So, I am in a crisis situation...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Apr 7, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    So, after I posted my last post in this thread, something else happened afterward that drove me to decide to kill myself:

    ^^^ After that situation, I head my fiance start crying, I came over to talk to him and try to fix things, and he said that he felt accused about me suspecting he did something because of the needle cap I found. He said it was old. But I don't know that for sure. And he said he refused to take another drug test to prove to me he was clean. He said he didn't want to live like that with me not trusting him all the time. But how am I supposed to trust him when I keep finding needles and other debris around the house that I don't know for sure whether it's old or not? I can't just take his word for it at this point. If he'd stayed clean for a decent amount of time, then I would be able to trust him more, but it's only been like 2 weeks that I know of that he hasn't done anything...and even then, I'm not sure if he hasn't or if he's been lying to me and just covering up getting high.

    And then he said the worst possible thing that I'd ever heard him say to me for as long as I've known him. He said "Well, then I think we should go our separate ways." I said, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, "I think you know what it means." I was like "What, are you saying you want to break up with me?" He said that maybe we should. I broke down in tears, completely hysterical. He's never said anything like that to me ever before. When he saw how upset I was, though, he said he didn't mean it and only said it impulsively because of how upset he was, and what he actually meant by "going his separate way" was killing himself. But my mind didn't take it in that way. Why would he want us to break up first before he killed himself? If he committed suicide, or I committed suicide, I wouldn't want to break up first. I would want to know that we still love each other and were still together. So, my mind took it as "I better kill myself then, before he really decides to leave me because he's the only thing I have...and without him, I have absolutely no reason to be here." I have no other support. My family isn't supportive, and I have no friends. So, all I have is him and if he even thought for one second that it'd be best "we go our separate ways" and break up, then he may want to break up with me one day. If not today, then some other time when something else goes wrong and we have an argument about drugs.

    And so, I feel like I now have to start planning everything that I want to get done before I die, and get ready to find some money to order the supplies I need to kill myself and stash them in my closet when it arrives for the next time I feel like he could leave me.

    I took way too many Klonopin again today just to be able to calm down. I was completely hysterical. And now I'm probably going to smoke crack too.
  2. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

  3. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    im sorry there is not much else i can say because i am in the same situation but you are in my prayers and i am sending healing energies your way. love and light
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Thank you Tia. I went with my fiancé to the hood to get the crack just to make sure he didn't get heroin as well because I care about him too much to let him do that. And 2 white people in that neighborhood looks pretty bad to cops so here's to hoping neither of us gets arrested. If we do, this will be my last post for a while cause ill probably be in jail. I usually wouldn't go over there with him but I'm going to risk it this time.
  5. Tia

    Tia Well-Known Member

    :( good luck , please be careful. I don't know if you believe in Angels but, I am (if you give permission) asking them to accompany you and protect you, both of you

    I doubt you will be arrested, just be real careful and if you need to talk tonight please PM me because I am willing to listen to you and do anything to help,ok?

    Im not against suicide, but, I feel your pain.



  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the well wishes. We didn't get in trouble for going down there and getting it, however I found out later tonight that he did end up getting heroin as well. And as usual he tried to lie and hide it from me, but I found out cause he's not that good of a liar. I'm miserable as hell. Today was horrible. The drugs made me feel better temporarily but of course, when they ran out, I still ended up feeling just as horrible as before. I really feel like my life is meaningless and hopeless. Even though I have a future ahead of me and i'm going to graduate this summer with my associates degree, and then start working toward my bachelor's, it doesn't make me any happier. I have no one to depend on, and the only person I do have keeps lying to me. So, I feel like I have no choice but to start planning my suicide and stash the materials I need in my closet for the next time I feel like I need them.

    I did start going to alanon/naranon meetings, and Ive recommended for my fiancé and I to go to couples therapy, but I just don't know if any of it is going to make any kind of difference. Only other thing I can think of that will spare my life is moving to a new part of the city and abandoning my entire life here where I am currently staying (including my relationship), but it's not like I have any money to do that. So if none of those things end up working/helping me, Im pretty sure I am going to die. It's the only other option I have.

    Thanks for the offer about talking, I may take you up on that tomorrow, as I am currently going to bed.
  7. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    So, here is somewhat of a "flow chart" for my life and which situations will trigger me to end it, as of this point.

    Firstly, I need to send in an admissions application to Temple U, and meanwhile finish my last few CCP classes and get diploma at the end of August/beginning of September.

    If I fail CCP somehow and do not get my diploma, I will kill myself. (by the end of August, I would be dead in this scenario)

    If I get my CCP Diploma, but do not get into Temple and cannot find a good job, I will kill myself. (Probably by the end of 2012 I will kill myself in this scenario)

    If living with my fiancé becomes intolerable an he pushes me to the brink of suicide somehow, I will kill myself regardless of how school goes. (could happen at any point and time)

    If I get into Temple, but my life with my fiancé is still miserable, and I am not able to move out and start my own life, I will also kill myself. (By the end of 2012 in this scenario also).

    I will make another post listing my goals ie. what I want to do before I die if it happens.
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    So I found out that if I want to die, I have an easy way of getting the money to do so.

    However I am still between a few different options as to HOW I am going to do it.

    As for my goals before I, fuck em. They may or may not happen anyway.
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member


    I am so sorry to hear about him and the problems that have goneoff recently.
    Idk.. i know you may need these anchors atm.. Yeah. well However it goes actually. Just keep your head up.. there is always something positive in life, and you've been doing so many of them. As far as the crazyness that he's showing now.. He needs help. And he's not doing you any favors by not dealing with anything. The fact that his mind flips from moment to moment, and he lies about drugs and the things he does.... well I can personally relate to that. And I know how damaging it is to those around you. I've got mine undercontrol sorta, I still make plans and then flip exactly like he has, but i hate it and feel horrible for my gf when Ive done it. Sorta why I keep away from her now tbh. It's debilitating, and I can't bare to see my issues affecting her.
    He needs to start.. looking at what he's doing now. Not use his past problems as an excuse. But if he's like any person, he's not going to see it like that, and he's never going to be receptive to that string of thought. He has to start trying to care about himself, let alone you. Cause look at this... you were more or less on a real positive note. Now it's like.. alot more difficult for you. Of anything he needs to remember how he wants to be, of who he is. Cause he's laying groundworks, and ... it's dangerous. Idk if he talks at all, but he needs to start.

    I really hope you're doing ok. Desite the ignorance of that, I really do, and hope you connect with the better parts of you again.
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