So, after I posted my last post in this thread, something else happened afterward that drove me to decide to kill myself: http://www.suicideforum.com/showthr...e-to-find-out-for-sure-if-he-s-in-drugs/page3 ^^^ After that situation, I head my fiance start crying, I came over to talk to him and try to fix things, and he said that he felt accused about me suspecting he did something because of the needle cap I found. He said it was old. But I don't know that for sure. And he said he refused to take another drug test to prove to me he was clean. He said he didn't want to live like that with me not trusting him all the time. But how am I supposed to trust him when I keep finding needles and other debris around the house that I don't know for sure whether it's old or not? I can't just take his word for it at this point. If he'd stayed clean for a decent amount of time, then I would be able to trust him more, but it's only been like 2 weeks that I know of that he hasn't done anything...and even then, I'm not sure if he hasn't or if he's been lying to me and just covering up getting high. And then he said the worst possible thing that I'd ever heard him say to me for as long as I've known him. He said "Well, then I think we should go our separate ways." I said, "What the hell does that mean?" He said, "I think you know what it means." I was like "What, are you saying you want to break up with me?" He said that maybe we should. I broke down in tears, completely hysterical. He's never said anything like that to me ever before. When he saw how upset I was, though, he said he didn't mean it and only said it impulsively because of how upset he was, and what he actually meant by "going his separate way" was killing himself. But my mind didn't take it in that way. Why would he want us to break up first before he killed himself? If he committed suicide, or I committed suicide, I wouldn't want to break up first. I would want to know that we still love each other and were still together. So, my mind took it as "I better kill myself then, before he really decides to leave me because he's the only thing I have...and without him, I have absolutely no reason to be here." I have no other support. My family isn't supportive, and I have no friends. So, all I have is him and if he even thought for one second that it'd be best "we go our separate ways" and break up, then he may want to break up with me one day. If not today, then some other time when something else goes wrong and we have an argument about drugs. And so, I feel like I now have to start planning everything that I want to get done before I die, and get ready to find some money to order the supplies I need to kill myself and stash them in my closet when it arrives for the next time I feel like he could leave me. I took way too many Klonopin again today just to be able to calm down. I was completely hysterical. And now I'm probably going to smoke crack too.