So I Get This Phone Call..

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by texaskitty, Nov 12, 2011.

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  1. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Minding my own business and the phone rings, its my older cousin, I'll call him R.

    R is the son of my mother's twin (my mother passed 3 years ago this coming Feb. due to Alzheimers). Her twin is still living. He explained who he was and what was going on with his mother. He has moved in with her as Alzheimers has started and she is apparently going to be in a wheelchair for a while.

    Now this sounds quite normal doesn't it? Can anyone guess where the problem is?

    R is 10 years older than me and is one of my abusers. I find it incomprehensible that he can make a phone call like that and be all normal. Granted this took place what 35-40 years ago, maybe he forgot. Do perpretrators forget? I don't know. I certainly haven't forgotten.

    They both want me to drive down and visit. To be the good neice. To do the right thing.

    I don't want to. No way.
  2. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Then don't go. Do "the right thing" for YOU, no one else.

    I don't know if they forget, I wonder that myself from time to time.

    :hug: Sorry, this must have been a difficult evening for you.
  3. ExtraSoap

    ExtraSoap Well-Known Member

    what a prick! If he forgot about something like that then he isn't even human. I wouldnt go.
  4. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    I'm sorry that you had to hear from him again-- I'm sure you're upset, and are probably having thoughts that you'd rather not be having right now. I think that you should do what you feel comfortable with.

    I don't know if he would forget… I think it's possible, but if he was a teenager or older when it happened, then I'm not sure how that works. But if he hasn't expressed any regret or apology or given you any indication that he understands in all these years, then I can't imagine him having become a better person.

    It might be best to avoid the situation.
  5. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I would find his "forgetfulness" difficult. I think most victims/targets would. :hug:

    If you don't want to visit, you don't have to. That's the bottom line. :)
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Don't visit hun it will only stir up emotions that are better left alone now i think
    Teenager don't forget hun YOU have not forgotten so he would not forget
    You take care o f YOU okay and just spend time being kind to you
  7. texaskitty

    texaskitty SF Cat Lady Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I don't want to go at all. But I feel guilty cuz my aunt asked me to.

  8. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hun ask your aunt to come for a visit with just you and her can spend some time together okay tell her you just want some time to share with her alone.
  9. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    It is a tough spot.

    I'm guessing that getting your aunt to come see you would be really difficult if she's in a wheelchair/at an advanced stage. My poor sweet aunt has Alzheimer's and after a while her being alone in any situation was pretty much out of the question… she's not in a wheelchair, but she can't really do anything without help, and has to be reminded about where she is and what just happened, and a lot of what she says ends up going around and around in circles until it doesn't make sense. Or she just stays quiet and looks confused.

    But it isn't fair that your aunt suffers because of this, and I'm sure she would appreciate a visit-- maybe you could set some rules in advance to make sure you don't see your cousin?

    Or I suppose you could try to confront him about it-- it's an extremely difficult thing to do, but if you do it right, it could even help you to take back some of the power that was taken away from you, and help you feel stronger about everything. I know it sounds unthinkable and I probably would be really freaked out about it myself, but there's always the chance that he regrets what happened and has turned into a completely different person… but then, his reaction might just make it all worse.

    I know it's not something you can just 'get over' either… but if it were me, I'd probably fight through it and see my aunt anyways, if I thought it was important and it was something that I wanted to do. I mean, letting it stand in the way is sort of like letting the fear win… maybe you have tics and anxieties and such that you don't feel like you can control and I don't want to tell you what to do and I might be wrong but I think if you could just fight through it all then you might even end up gaining a little bit of what was taken away from you. But if he's violent or unreasonable or a pig, then it could make things worse… so I don't know. Could you ask someone else in your family about him and what he's doing and what his life is like?

    I'm sorry if what I'm saying sounds cold or ignorant… I wish you all the best and I really hope that you can get through this and be strong and do what makes you feel best about yourself.
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 12, 2011
  10. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    I wouldn't go. Being exposed to that type of situation will only make things worse for you.
  11. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Why not tell him you will come if he admits what he did? If he will not, the ball will be in his court. Yes, there should be nothing said to your aunt, but you will feel you did the right thing for yourself and your aunt. Another choice, is to tell him that you will see your aunt as long as he is not there as you do not forgive him for what he did...again, leaving the decision to him
  12. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

    That is a good idea. Angie, why don't you do that?
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