So, I guess I'm back, or whatever...

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by BeautifullyChaotic, Jun 18, 2012.

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  1. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Some of you may remember me, some of you may not and some of you are new so I'll reintroduce myself.
    I'm a mom and housewife and last year went through a rape and abortion and almost didn't make it out alive; if it hadn't been for this forum I would be dead now, my children would be motherless.

    Lately things are seeming bleak again...
    I'm pregnant again, with twins, a boy and girl due in October and I'm scared to death. I don't know if I can do it and I've been so very depressed for the last few months... that depression, combined with the hormones has me thinking bad things again and it's gotten so out of hand that now I even dream of letting go.
    A few days ago I found out that my husband has an online girlfriend in the UK... but her being across the pond doesn't seem to lessen the sting. The things he says to her, telling her she's beautiful, he needs her, he wants her... he never says things like to me. Hell, I'm lucky if I can get him to look up from him stupid game to acknowledge me when I speak to him. I have been begging for his attention and affection for a year. I finally gave up about a month ago; stopped asking him to do things with me, stopped asking for his help with the kids or the house, stopped having sex with him (how can one get in the mood when all they ever see is the back of their partner's head?).
    We got in a huge fight about this other woman when I found out about her and he turned it all on me. He said I've been "ignoring", not giving him enough attention, not complementing him enough... so I brought up all the times I've asked him to do things with me or with the kids and me, all the times I've come on to him to be told "hold on", or "give me about 30 minuets till this raid is over"... always being put second to a game. He then said "Yeah, but you gave up, you stopped trying! This is your fault".

    I know it's not my fault, I'm not a child and I'm not stupid... so I told him I thought we should get a divorce and he said "If you try I'll tell the judge you cheated on me and ended up pregnant, so I wont have to pay you anything". That cut like a knife. He threw a rape in my face and when I said he was disgusting for doing that he said "you weren't raped, you wanted it and you know it". He keeps saying he's so so sorry for saying that and that he loves me and doesn't want me to leave but IDK, I don't feel he would say something like that if he hadn't been thinking it to begin with.

    I do want to leave, but I also want to stay; I love him, even if he is a jerk sometimes. Over the last few days he's been paying more attention to me and the kids, but in the back of my head I keep wondering how long it can last and I feel guilty for that, he is trying, and I'm being so pessimistic. I'm scared that it wont last, I will have to find a place to go and raise all these kids alone and as depressed as I am I really don't think I can handle that.

    I don't suppose I'm looking for advice, but if anyone has any I'm open to it; I'm more or less just venting, getting it out and off my chest and hoping that writing it all out and reading back over it will give me some clarity. There's so much more wrong than just all this crap, but this is the freshest and is what's weighing most heavily on my mind.
     
  2. StevenSiew

    StevenSiew Well-Known Member

    Welcome back.
     
  3. yep

    yep Well-Known Member

    Hi, is good that you are back. Bad thoughts? Do you mean you are thinking about suicide? You are right, you don't need advice perhaps someone who cares and is would you until the storm is over, yes it is just temporal and you know that. You know you love your husband and you know he deep inside loves you and want to be with you and the children. Be brave as much as you have been sop far and be patienece too, because all you need is hope for the best and make it easy for the rest to follow your lead. In any case keep going knowing that you are not alone.
     
  4. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    Perhaps I'm the wrong person to be giving advice on a subject like this, but it sounds like he doesn't love you, or if he does, he certainly isn't treating you right. What he said to you when you threatened divorce is unforgivable. You were right to threaten to divorce him; if he is ignoring you and talking to other women, he is not being a proper husband to you. And I'm saying this as someone who is not being a proper husband to my own wife - because I don't love my wife. My own situation is a bit of a reverse - I asked for a divorce, and she refused... but still, even though I'm not in love with her, I would NEVER use a personal trauma against her. That goes way beyond being a bad husband - unless he actually believes what he said, that was a heartless and cruel thing to say - to ANYONE, not just the mother of your children. I know you're not looking for advice... and again, as an admitted "bad husband", I'm not in any position to give any... but it sounds to me like you deserve better than the way he is treating you.
     
  5. BeautifullyChaotic

    BeautifullyChaotic Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your responses.
    Wolf, my greatest fear is that you're right, that he doesn't love me. It's so confusing though, when I want to leave he begs me to stay... why would he do this if he doesn't love me? Maybe he's just used to me, used to having me around, used to being taken care of. He seems to be trying for now, and I suppose for the kids I have to give him a shot, besides, it's not like I have any place to go lol. Thank you for your thoughts, and for your honesty... I like honesty, even when it sucks lol.

    I'm so sorry for your situation as well, I know how hard it is to be with someone you aren't in love with, been there. It was that way with my ex and I think I stayed for so long because I didn't know anything else... I had grown accustom to him, to his face, his voice... it was "comfortable", but I wasn't happy. I hope you find a resolution so you can find your piece of happiness.
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Welcome back hardly seems appropriate given the reason you are here, but I am glad you felt you could come once again for support. i know how difficult your situation is. My ex husband did similar things to me. I finally got up the strength and courage to leave him despite his threats. I decided it was not a good situation for myself or my children. in my case there was lots of abuse involved as well. Not toward my children, but as much as i tried to deny they were aware of it, i know they were. it doesn't mean it is the right thing for you to do. If you both want to try and work things out, then give it a go. You may try counseling. You have nothing to lose by trying. If it doesn't work out you are in no worse predicament than your current situation. His using those threats against you is a form of abuse hun, and it needs to be dealt with or it will always come between you. He has to be willing to change. he may not even realize, or be willing to admit that his gaming is a problem. It is much easier to blame you. He may have said the things he did because he really knows he is at fault and needs to convince himself that it isn't. regardless of his reasons, he needs to take ownership in his part of the breakdown. As for the kids not being his? Easy to prove with DNA testing so he can't use that ploy. Also, depending on the state you are in, cheating is not grounds for divorce anyway. They may call it irreconcilable differences, but it doesn't matter what the differences were. Found that out the hard way as well. I don't know if this has been helpful to you or not, but please know that you have our support. Feel free to PM me anytime. I am thinking of you. :hug:
     
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