Some of you may remember me, some of you may not and some of you are new so I'll reintroduce myself. I'm a mom and housewife and last year went through a rape and abortion and almost didn't make it out alive; if it hadn't been for this forum I would be dead now, my children would be motherless. Lately things are seeming bleak again... I'm pregnant again, with twins, a boy and girl due in October and I'm scared to death. I don't know if I can do it and I've been so very depressed for the last few months... that depression, combined with the hormones has me thinking bad things again and it's gotten so out of hand that now I even dream of letting go. A few days ago I found out that my husband has an online girlfriend in the UK... but her being across the pond doesn't seem to lessen the sting. The things he says to her, telling her she's beautiful, he needs her, he wants her... he never says things like to me. Hell, I'm lucky if I can get him to look up from him stupid game to acknowledge me when I speak to him. I have been begging for his attention and affection for a year. I finally gave up about a month ago; stopped asking him to do things with me, stopped asking for his help with the kids or the house, stopped having sex with him (how can one get in the mood when all they ever see is the back of their partner's head?). We got in a huge fight about this other woman when I found out about her and he turned it all on me. He said I've been "ignoring", not giving him enough attention, not complementing him enough... so I brought up all the times I've asked him to do things with me or with the kids and me, all the times I've come on to him to be told "hold on", or "give me about 30 minuets till this raid is over"... always being put second to a game. He then said "Yeah, but you gave up, you stopped trying! This is your fault". I know it's not my fault, I'm not a child and I'm not stupid... so I told him I thought we should get a divorce and he said "If you try I'll tell the judge you cheated on me and ended up pregnant, so I wont have to pay you anything". That cut like a knife. He threw a rape in my face and when I said he was disgusting for doing that he said "you weren't raped, you wanted it and you know it". He keeps saying he's so so sorry for saying that and that he loves me and doesn't want me to leave but IDK, I don't feel he would say something like that if he hadn't been thinking it to begin with. I do want to leave, but I also want to stay; I love him, even if he is a jerk sometimes. Over the last few days he's been paying more attention to me and the kids, but in the back of my head I keep wondering how long it can last and I feel guilty for that, he is trying, and I'm being so pessimistic. I'm scared that it wont last, I will have to find a place to go and raise all these kids alone and as depressed as I am I really don't think I can handle that. I don't suppose I'm looking for advice, but if anyone has any I'm open to it; I'm more or less just venting, getting it out and off my chest and hoping that writing it all out and reading back over it will give me some clarity. There's so much more wrong than just all this crap, but this is the freshest and is what's weighing most heavily on my mind.