So, I had a birthday in the past week..

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Unregistered9901283012, Jul 6, 2008.

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  1. And here I am, sitting at my computer, drinking a beer. I can't login to my account to post this, apparently I'm too chicken - hard to believe with all the shit I've done in my life.

    As far as it all goes, I'm at a crossroad of thoughts, where they're not all clashing just yet, but waiting for the other to go through the stop sign, y'know? But anyway, onward with the point. Here's the 4-way stop my mind is at.

    I've lived my life all these years, and it feels like totally nothing - save for the very few good things I've done. Needlessly said, I've been a rotten fuck for most of it, and it's caused me to be where I am now - and I admit that. I feel.. empty inside, like I'm already dead, and I just don't know it yet.. maybe should I crawl into a hole and let myself die with the void of nourishment.

    I have close to nothing in my life, save a couple close people, one in particular whom I love dearly and cherish every day being with, even though I can't quite be with her yet.. I yearn for it, I want it, I need it.. I love her, God as my witness.. but I can't help but think that in the grand scheme of my life, it won't matter.. but I know it does, because she's a part of it. She means everything to me. If not for her, I wouldn't get my ass out of bed in the morning.

    I have little family contact, granted I only like a select few of my family members. I just feel like the rest ridicule me. I know they don't, but I can hear them in my head.. The only person I really have contact with anymore outside of email or a random phone call here and there, and if I get lucky, a visit, is my mother, and God knows she works all the fucking time. I mean, it annoys me sure, but I love my momma. I understand why she works, and I understand that she does it for my well being.. but christ, can she have a bloody day off..?

    Now here's the real stopper. I have the tools, the resource, the mindset, and the drive to kill myself. I have a numerous amount of ways, ranging from A-to-Z. I've decided on a select few ways, but none shall be listed here as they are void of rules, and I don't feel like getting banhammered. But, I just.. I can't kill myself. Something is stopping me, whether it be my mom or my girlfriend.. probably the latter, now that I think of it.. God I love her.. and christ do I sound like a babbling idiot. At any rate.. I'm at a stopper here, and at some point there's going to come a truck to push the cars at the stop sign.. I just don't know which it's going to be, and the fear of unknown is really starting to make me fucking paranoid. I'm starting to see shit, and I've slept in the last day. I haven't been drinking with exception of the single beer, and I haven't done any drugs today.. but I just.. I'm bloody scared, and I don't know what to do.. this is the first time I've ever felt scared in my life, and I kid you not when I say that I have faced death. I didn't even cringe. That should scare me. Not me..

    So, suffice it to say.. help..

  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Belated happy birthday and so sorry things are so rough right now...hoping the yr improves and that you find the happiness you deserve...big hugs, J
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