I don't know what to think of this. It gives me a blank emotion. My health hasn't been so good for the past few months. I've lost more weight than I should have, I can't sleep no matter what, I'm constantly feeling weak. The first few days when I got to Japan I was quite well. But then it turned over again and I ended up feeling way more ill than before. I blamed everything to my depression and isomnia, but turns out there's more to it. I've been coughing a lot randomnly this last month; At first I thought I had the new flu, but I'm not sure anymore. I'm a former smoker and also a passive smoker, since both of my parents always smoked a lot. I even coughed blood a few days ago, and my cousin made me go to the hospital for a check up. They as well thought it was a symptom of the flu, since things in Japan are also pretty hectic with this whole thing. The doctors checked me and everything; They looked pretty serious, they also made me take a blood test and told me to come back on Monday for another check up. They must have told my aunt something, and he keeps avoiding eye contact with me as much as possible. I'm sure it's something bad, and I keep thinking that it might be lung cancer. I seriously don't know what to think about this. It seems like a joke at the most. I had the urge to laugh at myself because of that the other day. I mean, this would be the cherry on top of the cake. I thought things couldn't get worse, but look, they're actually getting worse. Maybe that way, I won't even have to try to die. It'll just flow naturally on its own. I just wish that before I do die, that I manage to feel happy for even just a minute. That there will be someone who will love me and hold me and tell me that it's okay, that he'll actually really love me for who I am and won't pretend just to please me, that there will be someone who will say these three words and mean them- That's basically all I'm asking for. I don't want to spend a week in a super expensive luxery hotel, I don't want to accomplish my craziest dream, I just want to be loved. But that will probably never happen. And never is such a short termed word right now...Sorry I sounded so melodramatic... I was right when I thought that maybe I'm just not meant to be. If I learn that I do have cancer, I'm just going to stare at everyone blankly. It'll leave me emotionless. It'll be another dead end that won't go away.