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So, I put something in motion

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bayareagirl, Mar 18, 2015.

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  1. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    I have just decided I can't get through this depression. Despite the fact that I know people who do and that we are many of us in the same boat here, just trying to keep going. I took a step today that really could be the beginning of my end. Well, my downfall started over a year ago. But I just took a step on part one of a plan. In some ways there's relief because going round and round the same thoughts is just utterly exhausting.
  2. IJ (it just is)

    IJ (it just is) Well-Known Member

    before you take that next step think it through carefully. I dont wanna give you any of those cliches of "dont give up" "hang in there" or "dont do it" but its a big step to take and you cant reverse it. so just think it through. Do you go to therapy or on meds? The only reason why I am asking, is I myself find its the only thing keeping me alive right now. I have been on various meds until I found something that helps a little and then I have been seen my therapist for 3 years now - I now its long but it helps to talk to someone not connected to your personal life and it an outsider. So please dont take that step until you have tried various other things to keep you alive.
  3. Travsmate

    Travsmate Member

    Hi Bayaregirl,

    It sure is very exhausting, I find myself to be at the point of feeling very emotionless where I can't love anyone or even myself but this post is about you so...

    My suggestion is each day set a plan to do something different to your usual routine that can really shake up a life that may be repetitive and pointless.

    Every step is a small one but please no that help is here, there and everywhere - On this forum, through hotlines which you can google for the telephone number and through your loved ones.

    Everyone is pulling for you and always will - You are IMPORTANT!
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Hi bayareagirl,

    I know life can be a major struggle but you have to keep moving past the next hurdle, the next piece if crap life throws your way. I have seen many many supportive posts made by you on this forum, I think you are a great person who enjoys helping others in their darkest hours. I wish you all the best and keep talking to us here if you need to.
  5. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Thank you. I'm still in a rocky place. I'm actually scared of the pain and process of dying but would just like to not keep on going. These feelings are really intense so it absolutely leaves me with a feeling of being totally trapped. Like I can't go on but I can't find the way out. It's horrific. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?
  6. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    Hey Bay

    I guess I'm kinda in the same boat as you, took the first step in my plan over a week ago. I know better than to try to make you think otherwise (And it would be rather hypocritical of me) but I do think you should sit on this a bit longer, even while progressing your plan, whatever it is. That's what I'm doing, anyway. I know I'll live at least till the end of summer, so I'm using this time for just myself and the things I still want to do. Sometimes I think I should stop, though nothing has ultimately convinced me yet. But I'm still giving it time for the possibility of something changing, even though I can't even conceptualize what that would be.

    I know what you mean by relief too. My attitude has changed, and I feel happier than I've been in a long, long time. It's interesting how much your perspective on life changes when you know it's going to go on without you, all the things you worry about disappear, and you can just watch the world go by. I wonder if this is what old people feel like. :|

    My mom says that every time things in her life fell apart, before they became extreme, some opportunity would present itself. While I don't think that's a very logical belief, it would be awfully disrespectful of me to not wait at least a little while for some opportunity to show its face. Personally, I'm not the kind of person who wants to wait a lifetime, but I'll wait a little, and in the meantime, I'll hoard all the things that make my day happy like a selfish douchebag, because why shouldn't I be greedy when it comes to my own life and making most of the time I have left?
  7. bayareagirl

    bayareagirl Well-Known Member

    Thanks for your input Luie. I'm freaked out today. I spoke with my psychiatrist yesterday and we actually talked about my plan. Yep, he let me have that conversation. I'm freaked out because he put it to me that nothing is certain and what I thought would be a peaceful way to go may not be as much as I thought - we got a bit medical believe it or not. So I feel trapped. I'm trying to sit tight a bit longer. Maybe I'm just deluding myself that there's any such thing as a peaceful way out but I am sure drawn by that notion.

    In my more hopeful nanoseconds, I think about the possibility of something changing and can't conceptualize it either but I know what you mean, even if it's a very fleeting thing.
  8. Luie

    Luie Well-Known Member

    There is such thing as a peaceful death, but obviously we can't discuss that here.

    That's not for me though. I don't deserve something painful, I just don't want anything impulsive. I don't know, I just don't like the idea of going quickly and quietly. But everyone has their own personal definition of death and what it means to die.

    Glad you found a psychiatrist to talk to about that. Talking about that topic is the one thing that keeps me from going back to psychiatrists and such, I can't just count on trust. He's right though, nothing is certain, nothing, but plenty of things are to the highest degree of certainty. It's all about the process of getting to that point, so it's good that you have someone to talk with, especially if they disagree!
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 20, 2015
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