So a friend moved away. We organised a trip up so I could see her. The first day and a half was amazing. She had organised a night at her friends for us the second night. It was my friend, her partner, me and her friend. We all went to the pub for a few drinks and then back to her friends. The evening started out great. Her friend made us all chilli for the. We were all drunk and pretty stoned aswell. Then it came time for bed. I made of point of telling her friend I would see him the next morning. I went to the room I had been given and tried to sleep. Next thing I know he came into my room. He said he had nowhere to sleep. I laid there pretending to be asleep. He got into bed. I thought he would go to sleep. He didn't. He started running his dirty hands all over me. I just laid there I thought he would give up. He pulled down my leggings and kept trying to roll me over. He kept shoving his hand between my legs and I just laid there. He couldn't get me onto my back so he gave up and went to sleep. I laid there for over an hour. I needed to be sure he was asleep. I got myself dressed and went downstairs to find myself face o face with his 9 year old son. What could I have done! I put on a brave face and settled on the sofa. We were in the middle of nowhere. He was a single dad! How could I tell anyone now! The next morning came. I avoided him like the plague. He took me to my transport stop and I left. I got home hours later and scrubbed myself red. I washed everything that had come with me. But what could I do. My daughter was on her way home. I had to put on that face and act like everything was OK. Days later I knew I had to report it. So I did. Back and forth weeks of questions and the police trying to pick at holes. Something. Didn't add up. No further action to be taken. My friend. She took his side! She told me to drop the charges. Why would I want to put myself through the court system. She got what she wanted. The case didn't make it to court. Now 6 months later I'm still broken. It's not just what he did to me. He also opened up those memories to the months of rape I put up with from a violent partner. The fact that my beautiful perfect daughter was a product of those months of rape. So here I am. In the middle of a nervous breakdown. Desperately clinging to keep my head above water when I know I'm drowning. I'm not a bad mum. I love my daughter. I she wasn't here I would be dead. I think I want to be dead. But I can't leave her. So I fight day after day to keep myself alive. To be the happy mummy. To go to work. To keep studying at uni. To keep lying to my family that I'm ok. The family that doesn't know I was raped or abused or in domestic abuse relationships. They try to help but how can they. They don't know why I'm suffering.