So I Went to AA Last Night To Say My Goodbye

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Godsdrummer, May 26, 2009.

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  1. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Here's a question for you.

    What happens when you take a manic depressive, suicidal tendency alcoholic and throw in perceived problems?

    Well for me, that results in despair, chaois, intense sadness, and the road to insanity and death.

    I have 89,000+ miles on my car. My car is my survival. Without it, I am doomed.

    I live paycheck to paycheck. I have piss poor credit and am a couple days away from having a chapter 13 bankruptcy filed.

    So it is, that my car will need brakes. As a matter of fact, at one time during the weekend, I cried openly to my mother on the phone, because I didnt think I would be able to get the money together to get the car fixed.

    She is going to help me with that.

    Then....I convinced myself that for whatever reason my tranmission was about to go. I think the car is driving the way it is, because it could prolly use some new plugs, and then that brake deal. I think it needs it's rotors shaved or replaced.

    I can't check the trans fluid level on my car, as it doesnt have a dipstick, JIMMY! (sorry that dipstick Jimmy thing is from a tv commercial-tried to add a little humor to what is actually a pathetic thread).

    And so it was, that in my alcohol driven state of mind, that I went to AA last night and told the guys goodbye.

    Now I have no way of really knowing what is going on with my car. I tend to project the worst case scenario ALL THE TIME.

    So it is really stupid of me to take it to the level of wanting to die, based on some unknown, unrealized thing.

    Here's the rub.

    Since those thoughts came back into my head, the projections have gotten worse. For example, well the car is going to crap out sometime or another and I know I wont be able to get another one.

    I still miss my wife and it pains me to see her.

    I can't face my life alone, and I KNOW I WILL SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS ALONE!

    That kind of crap. Which is why, my life/death meter has spiked back the wrong way.
  2. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Sorry your (very creative) life/death meter is spiking the wrong way.
    Funny, I saw this before and thought (towards 100) that direction was positive (life) ? 100 = Nirvana.
    Does this mean I'm not REALLY depressed? Anyway, enough about me.

    You prob don't wanna hear this but...

    • 89,000 miles / Kms is not really that much. Most cars are well capable of at least twice that. So maybe you can defer the calamity there?

    • You don't know you're gonna be alone (depends on what you mean by 'alone' but I'm presuming you mean close intimate relationship)

    • Your mum sounds great.

  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    My Mom is great. She has been very supportive.
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Projecting the worst sucks. I've done it. It's like your mind grabs the worst case scenario and then tries to see how much worse it can possibly make it.

    But chances are, your car will be okay. I'm no expert on cars (the government frowns on giving blind people driver's licenses), but I know people who have three times that amount of mileage on their cars.

    I don't think you'll spend the rest of your life alone. Finding the right person seems like it can take forever. But it can happen. You have a lot of great qualities, so don't give up on finding the right person.
  5. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thanks WC....((((((HUGS))))))
  6. stormfront

    stormfront Member

    I'm with ya on the projection, Pete. I do the same thing. My car has over 100k miles on it and I'm completely out of the warranty - I've gotten SO lucky over the years with everything being covered, but now I know the timing belt needs to be replaced, its $600 and I don't have it - yet it could fry my engine if I don't eventually get it done. I'm scared that my car will just toast on me one day - and its the only car we have.

    My kid is having teen angst problems with her friends - I project worst case scenario and her suiciding due to all the stress of post high school decisions (college, boyfriend, etc)

    My wife is out with her girlfriend now - but I think thats she's secretly lying, and she's out with some dude just to get away from me. Yet there's no shred of evidence - its all conjured up in my wild imagination.

    Someone had a quote, not sure who it was, but it went something like this - "My life is full of misfortune, none of which has happened to me".

    Now, I've had awful credit, also bordering on bankruptcy. I turned it around, luckily - not proud to admit I let a lot of credit cards go to collection, but eventually they dropped off my report and I'm doing much better now. And your mom sounds great, just like mine - she'll drop what she's doing to help me out, its good for me and best of all, its free.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    ((((((hugs)))))) Just a PM away if you ever feel like talking.
  8. Maaso

    Maaso Well-Known Member

    Tranny problems after only 90K, and no dipstick...I'm guessing you have a Dodge?

    I am an ASE certified master tech, If you are at all mechanically inclined, and have basic hand tools. I can walk you through a brake job through PM or over MSN if you are doing the work youself.
  9. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Maaso, check your pm's.

    To everyone,

    thanks for responding. I think that my alcoholism has finally done it's deed and I really am going insane. I am still convinced that maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point my car will die, and I wont have the funds to fix it.

    Now...the idiotic part of that thinking is that the car only have to make it thru til the end of the year. in 2010 I can convert my Chapter 13 payback bankruptcy into a Chapter 7 free and clear start over again bankrupcty. Thne it wont matter if my car dies, because I can go to a buy here, pay here place and get another car.

    7 months, is what I figure I need for my car to live. Just 7 more months.

    Yet still, I took a tool (device I could use to end this misery) out and just kind of gave it a really minor test.

    Then I went to bed and prayed. What did my prayers get me? I had visions of severed hands and slashed body parts.

    And this morning I woke to another method of doing the deed. Not one that I would have considered before, but nonetheless there it was. It would seem as if God answered my prayers not by showing me a way out of death, but rather a way to come home to Him.
  10. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    forpetessake... I'm feeling emotional at the moment so excuse me, but you seem like such a good person. You know the way you get a 'sense' from words.... anyway, I just wanted to say there is nothing idiotic about your thinking. (Unless I shouldn't say that if you believe CBT can help you / us.).

    I wish your wanna live o-meter would go back just a tiny bit. I hope you are feeling even slightly better.
  11. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Thank you. I wished I had to opportunity to meet you in this world.

    Well no worries, soon this madness will end. I am currently researching methods online to find the right one for me.
  12. KJAB

    KJAB Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    That's how I ended up here. I'm still here (JUST). why was life so shit to us or us so shit to life?
    dunno what to say. Again. Again. Did you ever read Samuel Beckett's "waiting for godot"
    Anyway, please take (a little) care...
  13. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    KJAB is right. You seem like such an amazing person. I hope you find the strength to keep fighting. We're all here to fight right alongside you if you let us.
  14. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I doubt there is anything you guys can do.
  15. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I know it's not the same as having people there, in person. But we can be your friends, support you, help you in any way we can. You don't have to go through it alone.
  16. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    I seem to be feeling a bit better. Darned Bi Polar Manic Depression.
  17. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    Glad you're feeling better!!
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