I own a couple of guns. One I just use to play with at the target range, two of the others I have for their historical interest. And then there's another one... It's a black powder kit pistol, you know, one that you can build yourself. It's just a single shot pistol, not really good for home defense or hunting or anything like that, but sometimes, a single shot is all you need. It's a muzzleloader, which means that you have to load it from the top like one of the muskets used in the Revolutionary War. It takes a long time to load, with several steps to it. Each step gives you time to think. Think about the terrible turn that life has taken to lead to this moment. Time to think and decide whether or not it is the right thing to do. So far, I've never come close to loading that pistol for it's intended purpose. But tonight, as I write, that pistol looks awfully tempting. It seems that the planets have aligned to screw me over in every way. School, family, friends, relationships, money, everything just seems to fall apart at the slightest touch. And there's nothing I can do to put the pieces together again. I don't know what to do anymore. The pistol calls to me. And I'm not sure how long I can resist its call anymore.