A lot has changed since I was last here. I got more life experiences. I'm more mature and I think stable minded. However my old problems are still there and I have a bunch of new problems weighing me down. I try to stay positive every day of my life. And when I can, I roll with it. Sometimes I can't be and I wait it out. I know that these self-deprecating thoughts do not help me but I have them every fucking day, and I cannot stop. It seems one minor thing can go wrong and my whole outlook bottoms. I notice I feel a sick disturbed addiction to them. Wallowing in self pity. When I look at my life objectively, I realize there are things I cannot change and must accept. But I just can't. I can't fucking accept reality. I realize this and I seem to spiral down further. I've been trying to take care of myself. Been going to the doctor a lot. However, I feel it is a waste of time. Wait in a waiting room for hours, only to be told "take Advil". Oh your knees feel loose and are painful daily? Have some anti-inflammatorys. Had to nearly yell at my doctor for a MRI after 6 visits about it. I have a dozen things like this that the doctor won't do anything for. Finally got my nut up and talked to my doctor about my ED and childhood injury which had caused it. He gave me cialis but it has little to no effect. After a few visits and an inspection he concluded nothing was wrong... I told him he was wrong and that I want something done. He put me on a waiting list to see a urologist. I'm supposed to see the urologist this month. I'm trying to remain hopeful. Maybe something can be done. But I feel like nothin can be done. I feel like bad news will be too much to deal with. As a side note, I am sexually active. Albeit with escorts, (never could get a girl or a guy haha). The sex I have is barely that. It's painful with my injury. Barely able to perform, pushing rope. I'm 25, too fucking young for this bullshit. Sorry for the long post. Just been really down lately. Dunno what sort of decisions I'm going to make if I get bad news. Also sorry if I offended anyone in anyway.