Mostly for meds obviously...I don't really believe in them much but Ativan has helped me get by so I've changed my mind a little bit at least on the anti-anxiety stuff...I've also had some mild past drug use which changed my mind about 'no substances for mental issues' a bit....not going to mention that. I've had mood stabilizers and anti-depressants (even anti-psychotics for no proper reason, they dump them on you in the psych ward and they have horrible side effects) in the past when I was 17 and none of those did anything positive for me (it's been over 5 years since then). I understand why I was given the mood stabilizers in the distant past when I was an angry teen (as opposed to now when I'm very different) I guess, even though they had me all wrong even then. Has anyone with existential type depression/anxiety been in this situation? It took FOREVER to get this appointment and I want it to go well; the last guy I saw was real creepy and I was completely unnerved by him...plus he wanted to dump me on this lithium shit which I really wasnt very comfortable with especially since I'm already numb as shit. If you read my other posts, you might understand something, but basically I have very elaborate and complicated existential issues which have resulted in massive anxiety and tension issues combined with fatigue and demotivation. My past has been less than rosy but the true source of the problems now is almost completely abstract/existential and I do not feel comfortable discussing this with a psychiatrist because it's so unusual and may cause them to cast irrational judgments out of belief that it's 'grandiose' or 'out there' or something. Like, as if its a bunch of symptoms of being a schizo nutjob rather than being a system of rationally formed belief. All of this makes it almost impossible for me to do *anything*. I will occasionally get outward 'classic' panic attacks but I usually have something that feels like an 'inward' panic attack where a wave of numb will wash over me as stress levels go over the limit. This, I've learned, is my defense mechanism against emotional pain as I don't have much tolerance for it any more. Sometimes this will be so bad that I will literally just freeze in this pseudo catatonic state where my logical mind is working but unable to talk or respond. It's either that or like I said, an occasional full blown panic attack/mental breakdown. My girlfriend thought I was blowing her off but I really just froze in my seat for 20 minutes one time. I've been getting the anti-anxiety meds from Europe (a fully legit source that I checked out thoroughly as not a scam) partly because I was uneasy about seeing a shrink and had a lot of trouble getting one with the insurance issues, but I'd rather at the very least get them 100% legally so that if I ever travel, it won't be an issue. I'm thinking a longer term benzo would be better for the chronic tension shit than ativan, and maybe I can take ativan/xanax more occasionally for when shit gets really bad. I guess I'm willing to try other shit but I'm extremely uncomfortable with the area in general and I want to start with what I'm comfortable with. The big thing is that these anti-anxiety meds cool my tension off but still leave me feeling like *myself*. All the other shit makes me feel like something else. I also get massive depressive episodes from time to time when I become too wrapped up in the existential shit as opposed to distracted from it, and generally I don't really feel like living any more, but I don't want to mention that. I'm a hyper-rational person and I'm not the type that would attempt suicide etc, but if I mention that it seems they assume you're unstable and a 'risk'. meh.