So I'm finally seeing a psychiatrist today

Mostly for meds obviously...I don't really believe in them much but Ativan has helped me get by so I've changed my mind a little bit at least on the anti-anxiety stuff...I've also had some mild past drug use which changed my mind about 'no substances for mental issues' a bit....not going to mention that.

I've had mood stabilizers and anti-depressants (even anti-psychotics for no proper reason, they dump them on you in the psych ward and they have horrible side effects) in the past when I was 17 and none of those did anything positive for me (it's been over 5 years since then). I understand why I was given the mood stabilizers in the distant past when I was an angry teen (as opposed to now when I'm very different) I guess, even though they had me all wrong even then.

Has anyone with existential type depression/anxiety been in this situation? It took FOREVER to get this appointment and I want it to go well; the last guy I saw was real creepy and I was completely unnerved by him...plus he wanted to dump me on this lithium shit which I really wasnt very comfortable with especially since I'm already numb as shit. If you read my other posts, you might understand something, but basically I have very elaborate and complicated existential issues which have resulted in massive anxiety and tension issues combined with fatigue and demotivation. My past has been less than rosy but the true source of the problems now is almost completely abstract/existential and I do not feel comfortable discussing this with a psychiatrist because it's so unusual and may cause them to cast irrational judgments out of belief that it's 'grandiose' or 'out there' or something. Like, as if its a bunch of symptoms of being a schizo nutjob rather than being a system of rationally formed belief. All of this makes it almost impossible for me to do *anything*. I will occasionally get outward 'classic' panic attacks but I usually have something that feels like an 'inward' panic attack where a wave of numb will wash over me as stress levels go over the limit. This, I've learned, is my defense mechanism against emotional pain as I don't have much tolerance for it any more. Sometimes this will be so bad that I will literally just freeze in this pseudo catatonic state where my logical mind is working but unable to talk or respond. It's either that or like I said, an occasional full blown panic attack/mental breakdown. My girlfriend thought I was blowing her off but I really just froze in my seat for 20 minutes one time.

I've been getting the anti-anxiety meds from Europe (a fully legit source that I checked out thoroughly as not a scam) partly because I was uneasy about seeing a shrink and had a lot of trouble getting one with the insurance issues, but I'd rather at the very least get them 100% legally so that if I ever travel, it won't be an issue. I'm thinking a longer term benzo would be better for the chronic tension shit than ativan, and maybe I can take ativan/xanax more occasionally for when shit gets really bad. I guess I'm willing to try other shit but I'm extremely uncomfortable with the area in general and I want to start with what I'm comfortable with. The big thing is that these anti-anxiety meds cool my tension off but still leave me feeling like *myself*. All the other shit makes me feel like something else.

I also get massive depressive episodes from time to time when I become too wrapped up in the existential shit as opposed to distracted from it, and generally I don't really feel like living any more, but I don't want to mention that. I'm a hyper-rational person and I'm not the type that would attempt suicide etc, but if I mention that it seems they assume you're unstable and a 'risk'. meh.

 

Hey HawthornePassage,

I'll have to look back at more of your posts to get more of a good idea about what's going on with you lately. Unfortunately, I'm not familiar with what you're experiencing, so as always I look forward to others' posts. I will be equally interested to see what replies you get regarding this.

Also, I have had bad experiences from meds given at psych hospitals too, and I once had a psychiatrist whom I thought was in it for the $ (that's the impression I got) and she tried to give me Lithium. I totally understand where you're coming from with those frustrations.

To conclude, I hope your appointment goes well! :thumbup: May your psychiatrist be kind and do a good job choosing which meds to try prescribing to you.

Best of luck,

Alex

 

Thanks for the reply. I can barely figure out what to put on this damn patient questionnaire because I feel like I'm playing a game of fucking cards. I have to include enough information to get the symptoms properly understood, but without all this existential crap.

 

I understand. :hugtackles: I've had to be psychologically "tested" for hours several times, and some of those questionnaires take forever and every once in a while I find myself having a temptation to put things that alter the truth about my situation. I always worried about those because my parents would find out about the results and talk with the doctors etc. so I didn't want them to think I was doing that badly.

 

Is there someone that can help you fill out the questionnaire your gp perhaps someone you trust The can be very daunting but try to stay truthful okay as it will help you get best treatment long run hugs

 

No, I can't fully disclose everything because my 'issues' are too bizarre and complex for anyone who hasn't known me for years and years to really understand (and even that thats not really enough). There's only one person who really understands them and knows that I'm not just some lunatic spewing shit as a superficial symptom of some kind of major disorder. This person is my best friend.... he has been since I was 4 or 5 years old.

I must say though that this guy is much better than the last one, so far. The atmosphere was much more welcoming too instead of the 'cold bleak office' I've seen too many times. And interestingly enough, he just wanted to talk. Don't see that much these days...

 

Hey HawthornePassage,

Great to hear from you! Also wanted to say that old bleak offices (especially ones that are small and crowded and cramped) make me extremely uncomfortable too before the appointment even starts!

Be sure to keep us in the loop about what's going on with you, and take care!

Alex

 

Yeah, there was even a welcome wreath on the door....lol. Next appt August 19. At 9 AM, nonetheless. I'll have my girlfriend drive me or something.