So, I'm not exactly sure what's wrong with me.

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Elly Toad, Nov 10, 2008.

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  1. Elly Toad

    Elly Toad Member

    This is my first post, but whatever, I'm desperate.

    I could go into how I'm a developmentally stunted child in an adult's body (I'm 23), having been coddled my entire life, but I'm not quite sure if that has anything to do with why I'm depressed.

    Every time I explore the possible reasons, my mind always comes back to one thing: college. But why? I take the minimum amount of classes needed for full-time, and I don't have a job. My mom drives me to and from school herself, and I only have to go twice a week.

    So why is it bothering me so much?
    That's the mystery. All I know is that I dread it, and would drop out today if my parents weren't so intent on forcing me to go. I'm being forced, yes. And that's the catch... I'm not doing anything else, so school is my last ditch attempt at making something of myself in life. And since I AM at my parent's mercy, with no means of moving out or even making the bulk of my choices, my only other alternative of escape is to die.
    And I don't want to die. A large part of me still wants to live. But I tell you, the future doesn't look so inviting with several more semesters of hell skulking inside it.

    If I can't name one large reason why school is my evil overlord, I can at least vent about the smaller details. Such as the photo printers. I have a curse. I can never print something from my Graphic Design classes without bad luck following me around. The printer's out of ink, I missed one tiny detail in the print setup page that threw the entire image quality out of whack (I've wasted so much expensive paper from this alone), and trying to find a time and place to get to the printers themselves before the deadline comes along. So far I've managed, with sweat and blood, to meet the deadlines. So far. But I could really, really go without the sweat and blood part.

    There is also the matter of the fact that my teachers are MASTERS at making me feel like an idiot. I was crying behind my sunglasses in second period today because my first period teacher had spent the entire time shaking her head silently as though thinking "What a fool" every time I asked one of my admittedly stupid questions. I'm somewhat hard of hearing, so I know that I'm not stupid, just confused. Still, it's times like these that I realize how much better I'd feel if I never had to interact face-to-face with a teacher during college ever again. I'm a perfectionist, but not for myself. I need to be perfect so I won't have to face my teachers' disapproval.

    This past summer, I took the semester off. My parents wanted to make me take the summer semester because they want to pull me through college as fast as they can, but after four consecutive semesters of that mysterious hell, I was dying inside. I would have done anything to make them let me stay home. Anything. Oh god, I needed those four months so bad. I'm glad I got them.

    But I hate that now this semester is almost over, I'm beginning to feel the burn again, of dread and wanting to escape through any means possible. And I'm sure my parents will never let me take next summer off, as it was like pulling teeth just to succeed in having the last one.

    Okay, that was long. I thank you, whoever took the time to read through that. It means a lot to me.
  2. SadDude87

    SadDude87 Well-Known Member

    Independence is something extremely important, especially since it's a trait our culture associates with masculinity.

    Being self reliant is a great gift, and something which you should strive for. Nothing feels better than knowing how to do things yourself, and getting them done. It's great.
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