So im terrified of losing them all...if I end it all now I wont have to be

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by *rainbow*, Feb 19, 2008.

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  1. *rainbow*

    *rainbow* New Member

    So I’ve had the hardest 18 months of my life... and what’s more I know that its only going to get worse. And the future terrifies me, utterly terrifies me, cos I’m going to be left on my own cos one by one every single person I care about is walking out of my life.... so why stick around to see it happen?

    Half my family have cancer. Literally. My auntie died of it. My grandfathers got like 3 types but old age is likely to get him before they do. And my dad. My dads the one person in my family who actually likes me, or at least he did I’m not so sure anymore, but we always used to be really close. And before Christmas last year he was diagnosed with cancer, and they cant cure it, and they don’t know how long he has, its a ticking clock, its there all the time, whenever he's looking paler or feels more sick than usual, whenever he’s being in more of a bad mood than usual cos he’s in pain, everyone’s wondering you can see it in how they’re behaving, is it spreading, is it growing, is this gonna be it. It’s a horrible waiting game. It shouldn’t be like that surely. But when you know something’s going to happen, your waiting for it.

    And then my older brothers decided to move to the other side of the world, great timing, yeh sure our dad isn’t gonna be around indefinitely, so go move to the other side of the world. Great plan that. I cant understand it. But it means he’s leaving me with all the responsibility when dad gets sick. And when dad isn’t around anymore, I can guarantee my mother will go join him in australia, she wouldn’t even have to think twice choosing between me and my brother. She despises me. I don’t use that world lightly, she really really does, its the way she speaks to me, the way she looks at me, its with a look of utter disgust.
    The entire extended family are estranged over an argument over my dads illness. And I’ve come to realise in the last couple weeks that my 'friends' are the poorest excuse for a bunch of friends that you could ask for. Except one of them, my oldest friend, she’s all I’ve got, but I often wonder why she’s friends with me, is it just a sympathy vote?
    When I left all the bullshit behind at school where they all hated me n I had the crap bullied out of me every day (and again i wonder now why it didnt occur to me at the time that that same group of 'friends' would stand by and watch me getting the shit kicked outa me and do nothing, why the fuck did i think they were my friends?) and started uni, I got myself a place in the top uni in the country for my subject, it was supposed to be a fresh start, a new beginning, where id meet like minded people...turns out I hate it there, I cant do the degree its too hard im really not smart enough, and it makes me so fucking miserable being there.
    I thought id found a point to life in amongst all of this though, a reason to keep going, thought id discovered the point in life. I did the whole i think im probably gay thing. And then I met a girl. And against my better judgement cos i knew i wouldn’t be able to live with losing yet another loved one - so surely it would be better not to let anyone else in.... but I couldn’t help myself i fell head over heels in love with her. I dont know why, I cant explain it, but theres something between us, or at least I thought there was, that just felt so right. She looked me in the eye and promised me id never ever be alone. Said she loved me and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Being in her arms...for the first time in my life I felt safe and loved. That relationship kept me going through everything, my mum had a cancer scare too (and I still don’t know the truth over this as to whether she’s ok or not) and all this other shit happened there’s no point in listing it but it was focusing on her that kept me going. And then she walked out of my life too. It broke my heart. She’s seeing a bloke now. So what am I left with now?
    And so for the last few months I’ve yo-yoed through every emotion possible. I cried pretty much solidly for three days at one point, couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t eat a thing, couldn’t do anything; think I scared the crap out of my parents actually they had no idea what to do with me. Then its been like a roller coaster, every now and again I think ok this is it, I can pick myself back up, there’s still a small window of opportunity to save my degree, I can do this I can be ok…but then each time I crash back down further than before and its got to the stage where I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can’t eat anything because I just feel sick the entire time. There’s a physical pain inside that just hurts so so so badly that I cant bear it and nothing makes it going away, drinking doesn’t numb it in fact it only intensifies it, self harming was what kept me going for years and years but now it just wont hurt enough to take away the hurt inside. My head feels so muddled and confused that I cant focus on anything be it watching a t.v. programme or writing an essay, I can’t concentrate or focus. There’s like this huge huge pressure pushing down on me all the time.
    And im so so so terrified of the future. Of being alone. I really don’t think I have the strength to watch what happened to my auntie happen to my dad, I don’t want to see it happen, I *CANT*.

    I don’t want the future to happen.

    So then the answer hit me. It was so blindingly obvious. First off I thought fuck it I’ll leave them all behind before they leave me and I decided id move to New York. (I went there with my dad just after he had his diagnosis, and we pretended like everything was ok and had the most amazing week ever, I want to go back and relive those memories.) But at the end of the day if I ran away I’d have to come back and deal with stuff eventually.

    So I don’t want to watch one by one every person that means anything to me leave me.
    So why not just end it all?
    There’s no-one here right now, I’m on my own in the house, there’s plenty pills in my draws, all I have to do is reach over and get them, take as many as I can swallow, curl up under my duvet, and that’s it.
    Nothing else to worry about.
    Relief.
    If I’m clever about it no-one need even know it was suicide. I don’t want my bub cousins to know that I killed myself. So maybe I could go get a packet of dads super strong meds, text dad, n tell him I’ve got a headache and so I’m taking some paracetemol and going to bed, that I love him and I’ll see him soon, take his meds instead of paracetemol, they’d think it was an accident. No-one would know.

    I mean I want it cos I don’t want the next few years to happen. It would be best for everyone else too. My rents so blatantly don’t want me around, they spend the entire day having a go at me; we fight all the time, its not fair on dad. My bub cousins might miss me for a while but they’ve got plenty people who’ll look after them. My best friend might miss me for a while, but she’ll be okay, shes got a bright future ahead of her. My ex, she says she loves me and wants me to be a part of her life; but I doubt she would miss me, she’d be fine.

    It’s the perfect solution all round. So why am I scared?
     
  2. mean_szuszu

    mean_szuszu Member

    Afraid of dying but seeing no other way out? Welcome to the club.. Not good enough for college? I know where you're coming from.. If this makes you feel any better, I'm from a country where a degree is a must, if you want to afford an internet connection.. so I'll soon be cut off even from that source of comfort. My family will toss me on my ass the minute they learn about it , too.. can't really blame them.. I've wasted every chance I was ever given.
    Really, I can't say for certain I'm not gonna give up and end it soon, just cause I can't quite imagine the life I'd have to live if I tried to pull through.. but for now.. Kid. Nobody promised it was gonna be fun. Life's a bitch and then you die. But while you're still alive you can at least.. spit those words in it's face and just.. drag on. See where it takes you. That's what I'm doing so far.
    And.. yeah, I'll see. Hope you'll try too. Just for the sake of it, if nothing else.
    I'll think about you. I'm scared too.
     
  3. *rainbow*

    *rainbow* New Member

    thanks for replying. Good to know im not the only one out there that wants it but is scared. Dont say youve wasted chances, if things havnt gone as planned im sure its not cos you did it on purpose. If we try what more can they ask of us? trouble is they do dont do they. trying isnt enough.
    well its been 6 hours and im still here. im still tempted , cant stop looking at the bedside draw, thinking how simple it would be. But its good to know im not alone. I'll think of you too. Maybe we'll both pull through this, i dont know how, but maybe we will. good luck - i think we're both gonna need plenty of that.
     
  4. *rainbow*

    *rainbow* New Member

    okay so i still want it and i want it so bad and id stop being scared once id fallen asleep wouldnt I. I just want some relief. i want everything to go away. i wanna stop hurting just for a while. i dont want to die, but i dont wanna carry on living either.
     
  5. *rainbow*

    *rainbow* New Member

    im so tired of hurting. my head hurts so much. eveything else hurts so much. cutting wont take it away. i jsut want to sleep and not wake up. no more pain, no more hurting, no more fear. just nothing. it would be so easy. so so so easy.
     
  6. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i know all about the temptation...but don't give in. it's like you'd do anything for the pain to stop. but what i'm learning is that there are other ways to make it hurt less. there are plenty of ways to treat depression, would you be open to other options? if you read around the forums, you'll see things other people are trying,
    catherine
     
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