So I’ve had the hardest 18 months of my life... and what’s more I know that its only going to get worse. And the future terrifies me, utterly terrifies me, cos I’m going to be left on my own cos one by one every single person I care about is walking out of my life.... so why stick around to see it happen? Half my family have cancer. Literally. My auntie died of it. My grandfathers got like 3 types but old age is likely to get him before they do. And my dad. My dads the one person in my family who actually likes me, or at least he did I’m not so sure anymore, but we always used to be really close. And before Christmas last year he was diagnosed with cancer, and they cant cure it, and they don’t know how long he has, its a ticking clock, its there all the time, whenever he's looking paler or feels more sick than usual, whenever he’s being in more of a bad mood than usual cos he’s in pain, everyone’s wondering you can see it in how they’re behaving, is it spreading, is it growing, is this gonna be it. It’s a horrible waiting game. It shouldn’t be like that surely. But when you know something’s going to happen, your waiting for it. And then my older brothers decided to move to the other side of the world, great timing, yeh sure our dad isn’t gonna be around indefinitely, so go move to the other side of the world. Great plan that. I cant understand it. But it means he’s leaving me with all the responsibility when dad gets sick. And when dad isn’t around anymore, I can guarantee my mother will go join him in australia, she wouldn’t even have to think twice choosing between me and my brother. She despises me. I don’t use that world lightly, she really really does, its the way she speaks to me, the way she looks at me, its with a look of utter disgust. The entire extended family are estranged over an argument over my dads illness. And I’ve come to realise in the last couple weeks that my 'friends' are the poorest excuse for a bunch of friends that you could ask for. Except one of them, my oldest friend, she’s all I’ve got, but I often wonder why she’s friends with me, is it just a sympathy vote? When I left all the bullshit behind at school where they all hated me n I had the crap bullied out of me every day (and again i wonder now why it didnt occur to me at the time that that same group of 'friends' would stand by and watch me getting the shit kicked outa me and do nothing, why the fuck did i think they were my friends?) and started uni, I got myself a place in the top uni in the country for my subject, it was supposed to be a fresh start, a new beginning, where id meet like minded people...turns out I hate it there, I cant do the degree its too hard im really not smart enough, and it makes me so fucking miserable being there. I thought id found a point to life in amongst all of this though, a reason to keep going, thought id discovered the point in life. I did the whole i think im probably gay thing. And then I met a girl. And against my better judgement cos i knew i wouldn’t be able to live with losing yet another loved one - so surely it would be better not to let anyone else in.... but I couldn’t help myself i fell head over heels in love with her. I dont know why, I cant explain it, but theres something between us, or at least I thought there was, that just felt so right. She looked me in the eye and promised me id never ever be alone. Said she loved me and she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. Being in her arms...for the first time in my life I felt safe and loved. That relationship kept me going through everything, my mum had a cancer scare too (and I still don’t know the truth over this as to whether she’s ok or not) and all this other shit happened there’s no point in listing it but it was focusing on her that kept me going. And then she walked out of my life too. It broke my heart. She’s seeing a bloke now. So what am I left with now? And so for the last few months I’ve yo-yoed through every emotion possible. I cried pretty much solidly for three days at one point, couldn’t get out of bed, didn’t eat a thing, couldn’t do anything; think I scared the crap out of my parents actually they had no idea what to do with me. Then its been like a roller coaster, every now and again I think ok this is it, I can pick myself back up, there’s still a small window of opportunity to save my degree, I can do this I can be ok…but then each time I crash back down further than before and its got to the stage where I can barely get out of bed in the morning. I can’t eat anything because I just feel sick the entire time. There’s a physical pain inside that just hurts so so so badly that I cant bear it and nothing makes it going away, drinking doesn’t numb it in fact it only intensifies it, self harming was what kept me going for years and years but now it just wont hurt enough to take away the hurt inside. My head feels so muddled and confused that I cant focus on anything be it watching a t.v. programme or writing an essay, I can’t concentrate or focus. There’s like this huge huge pressure pushing down on me all the time. And im so so so terrified of the future. Of being alone. I really don’t think I have the strength to watch what happened to my auntie happen to my dad, I don’t want to see it happen, I *CANT*. I don’t want the future to happen. So then the answer hit me. It was so blindingly obvious. First off I thought fuck it I’ll leave them all behind before they leave me and I decided id move to New York. (I went there with my dad just after he had his diagnosis, and we pretended like everything was ok and had the most amazing week ever, I want to go back and relive those memories.) But at the end of the day if I ran away I’d have to come back and deal with stuff eventually. So I don’t want to watch one by one every person that means anything to me leave me. So why not just end it all? There’s no-one here right now, I’m on my own in the house, there’s plenty pills in my draws, all I have to do is reach over and get them, take as many as I can swallow, curl up under my duvet, and that’s it. Nothing else to worry about. Relief. If I’m clever about it no-one need even know it was suicide. I don’t want my bub cousins to know that I killed myself. So maybe I could go get a packet of dads super strong meds, text dad, n tell him I’ve got a headache and so I’m taking some paracetemol and going to bed, that I love him and I’ll see him soon, take his meds instead of paracetemol, they’d think it was an accident. No-one would know. I mean I want it cos I don’t want the next few years to happen. It would be best for everyone else too. My rents so blatantly don’t want me around, they spend the entire day having a go at me; we fight all the time, its not fair on dad. My bub cousins might miss me for a while but they’ve got plenty people who’ll look after them. My best friend might miss me for a while, but she’ll be okay, shes got a bright future ahead of her. My ex, she says she loves me and wants me to be a part of her life; but I doubt she would miss me, she’d be fine. It’s the perfect solution all round. So why am I scared?