So irritated..

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Punkguru, Aug 22, 2011.

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  1. Punkguru

    Punkguru Member

    Today i feel like I am going to lose it.

    Im trying to get a job with the ARC in my county and that alone is just a stressful situation because I have to worry about my references and if they are reliable..so i tried to make sure everything was ok and i couldn't get a hold of anyone..to make matter's worse they already started calling them because one of my references got a message from them already. My parents just tell me that i am hig strung and treat me like a fucking xxx. I mean I got in a fight three times with my mother about it and tried to explain to her the importance of this job opportunity, otherwise i am screwed when it comes to finding a job in this area..its getting worse and worse for me..

    Then my Mom wanted me to use my godmother as a reference and call her..but I haven't talked to her in years..i'm not going to ask her for a favor when i haven't even talked to her for a long time..and the saddest part about that is NO ONE FUCKING GETS IT! WTF? I mean do i need to turn it into a fucking math problem for them? I feel guilty about it and the way my life has been lately I can't afford to make more people pissed off. Am I being paranoid or ridiculous? A little..but for fucks sake..I want these people to get into my head once in awhile to truly understand what the fuck i am trying to tell them.

    My GF was no fucking help..she just said she understood where i am coming from but its not that big of a deal and i said no i feel guilty i don't want to do that and she just laughs like my parents did..like i am a fucking . like my opinions or feelings don't fucking matter..and I don't want to here the bullshit "your feelings do matter to them. stop making this about you" because you know what i am tired of that fucking statement and i here it ALL the fucking time! And you know why? because I am looking out for people whether they believe it or not and when i do, i have to here my parent saying to think selfishly and all that shit..so which is it? think selfishly or walk in other people's shoes? If its the latter why the fuck should I when I don't even get that respect?

    I don't get it; this thing called life.

    And another thing; I still can't even vent or get a word in to my parents. They expect ME to be everyone's bitch and think about other's before myself and that the world doesn't revolve around me but isn't that hypocritical that I have to be sensitive to their feelings? It's like I am getting a fucking lesson in kindergarten again..I know this fucking shit! I have been that way since time I got scolded for it. And when I think I am doing the right thing I get scolded AGAIN.

    I wish I could vent to them or talk to them properly with out being frustrated because maybe they would understand how fucking out of it and depressed i am at all the shit i have gone through with this job searching; being laid off after a week on a job..and back on the unemployment line..going to the job service department again and again to no avail and having to be chastised like i am back in fucking diapers. They tell me not to be angry..how the fuck can I? I mean if anyone out there is reading this and giving a fuck..trust me..if you were in my shoes, HOLY FUCK, I think you would be fucking angry and depressed having to deal with these parents..you would probably have thoughts of suicide in frequent bursts because of this shitload of fuck!

    I'm so depressed that I have no energy to even continue job searching and even trying..everyone around me has something smart to say..they don't even know how to be compassionate..all they do is speak out of there ass just to make themselves feel more better.

    And as for this ARC job..if I don't get it..idk what the fuck i am going to do. I have no where to go in order to relocate..I miss having my apartment and my own free will and being away from my parents. I am tired of looking and looking for a job only to get something with shitty pay all the time..

    For anyone reading this; I just want you to know that I am not a self centered asshole who doesn't think of others..thats just something people say because they have nothing else to come with. I am actually very sensitive and insecure who cares about the sanctity of others to unusual levels sometimes. I do it because I know how it feels to go through this shit and I want to be there for people because no ones EVER there for me no matter how many times they fucking say it. But I am not going to lie, its becoming difficult for me to even care about people now because of how selfish and hypocritical they are..I see myself being a hermit without a home in the near future..if things don't change that is...
    I still do care when people are upset..even if I don't know them and hell even if I fucking suck ass I showing my affections and sympathy now..but I think its the thought that counts..if someone were truly there for me and not for themself and even that good at displaying emotions it wouldn't matter..i'd still be happy because of the thought..

    I need some sort of mental therapy or something to make me more calmer and less paranoid..my luck is so shitty that i have become worried about everything that will happen with the decisions I make..so I am lost..
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 22, 2011
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    My feelings are always, if you feel you need help, get help...only we know what is going on inside of us...sorry your family is creating so many barriers in your job search, as that is frustrating enough...hope you consider this and know that many of us second guess our decisions...J
     
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