So it has come to this

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by BlindOrphan, Jul 25, 2009.

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  1. BlindOrphan

    BlindOrphan Member

    I understand that many other people in the world have it hard, and my heart reaches out to them, yet now my time worrying about everyone else my every-being is going to collapse, my issue is now memories i have stowed away for a long time that has flooded back into my mind just before i could even get a chance to fully recover...

    As a child i pretty much lived a happy life, care-free like every child should in Jersey City, my family was close and i had alot of friends, until that is my family moved to Pennsylvania pretty much where my hell began. I lived in the middle of the woods lost in contact with my friends forever and other family members and meet bullies of all kinds harrased me until my senior year in highschool. Since i had no one to play with i stayed in the house all day listening to my parents yell at each other and my mothers silent crys at night from the taunt hurtful words of my mother. Unfornuatly i gained weight due to the idleness in the household which made my harrasment worse,into beatings and sever mental torchure. At home was no safe haven either on the day before my birthday my mother sat me down with a serious face, being the "High spirited individual" I jokingly said "what you guys having a divorce?" That being said i saw in my mothers eyes that i stole the words she was going to regretfully utter to me. And so begin the years of turning 13. I was close with my father, i didnt even notice the changes in him even though they were right infront of me. I was still seeing my father from time to time after the divorce,though i ignored his drinking and verbal abuse toward me i still loved him, for he was my father.

    It never sunk into my head that he was turning into some sort of demon until the day i went to a little vacation with him to vegas with this girl he was seeing...I have to admit the west is beautiful i would like to live there but my fun was short lived by my fathers increase in violance. He started to hit me saying i wasnt his real child and that he was going to erase his past by killing me right then and there...(I cant bare to remember anymore right now...)

    Anyways...Throughout all this mental torchure my mind started to create its own when i was sleeping, horrible nightmares, that same child form of me crying looking for something but is lost. I know my mother and sister and step father love me so much but.....none of it is the same, everyone has changed and i refused to accept it.

    Theres this one girl though....shes far away in cali. But around the time of this crisis she is the light in my storm, she means the world to me and i love her so much, i wish i could finally see her for once, alas i cannot though, i lack the money and a place to stay. Shes the only one that has helped me through this nightmare, this hell on earth to me. But as i began to get older it seems im becoming blind to her too. Now that im in college and totally unprepared and unwanting to go by the force of my mother sets a hole no stressor that is un-needed. I feel as if now i have no home, i stil feel like a child looking for somebody to love me and fill the gap that my father left...And that girl is it, or was...im starting to realise it is impossible for me to see her. The only light that i see in this world is starting to dim.

    Thus, The thought of never being able to see her floods all the horrific memories i havent written here in my mind start to rip me to shreds once again and even going to the point to where im starting to become more comfortable with the thoughts of suicide which it is impossible to change my mind. So i have come here, to at least share my story...or someway throwing my hand out there so someone can at least catch it...
     
  2. Kishin

    Kishin Member

    Yes it is true that there is alot of people in the world with much greater problems then our own. But really it is ourselves that matter not everyone elses problems. a problem that seems small to one person is the greatest fear of an other. I truely don't know how some people can come out of their past life stronger and happy!! My father used to beat my mother and my sister would try to get in the middle to stop while my brother did nothing. I was to young and was to scared so I sat in bed with the covers over my head crying. My mother would usually come into the bed with me and my little sister and sleep. while my dad (drunk again) would yell out that he would burn us all like pigs. Nice bed time story eh!? Then after awhile he would come in and try to feel up my mother with me laying beside her. I would just lay there still as can be trying to pretend I was a sleep and so scared and disgusted. Now as a grown up I am messed up. Can't seem to know what love is. hate my self. I get used by people all the time cause i have no self esteem and in need of human contact so badly that i let them use me. wow writing this down is hard as hell. I can understand your hell. Life fucking sucks. yet i am still here fighting to keep those voices that are telling me it is time to let go. I don't know what i am trying to say here just Please respond back and maybe we can help each other, if you would like that is. take care.
     
  3. BlindOrphan

    BlindOrphan Member

    Thank u for replying and understanding but i cant seem to continue on, more importantly, i just don't want to.
     
  4. Kishin

    Kishin Member

    fuck i can understand that. that is how i feel every waking day for the last 20 years or so. may i ask if you do it how are you going to? if it was not for my kids i would be gone already. I tried a few years ago and almost died and at the time the doctors asked me how i felt about it the next day, i told them i wish it would of worked. needless to say they did not like that very much. so i was institutionalized. i don't know you but i hope you don't do it. i hope you reply back and maybe we can be friends if you want. take care.
     
  5. BlindOrphan

    BlindOrphan Member

    pretty much sleep aids bout 5 mins ago i just looked in CVS walgreens walmart and pathmark for them but i still cant find any, im going to try rite aid or something. Im aware they arent really that painless, but its better then my other ideas. *sigh* but yeah its going to be pretty hard for me not to do this. And sure its nice to have more friends.
     
  6. Kishin

    Kishin Member

    how old are you blind orphan? do you think if you talked to me about your past would that help you or just make things worse. do you have question to ask me ? you can ask me any thing. you know i have no idea what i am doing and why i am so compelled to try and help you. who are you to me. but i do want to help but it is like the blind helping the blind cause my views on suicide are very off of what society feels is proper. i don't even know if what i am writing to you makes any sense!?are you able to wait for a few days and talk to me and see if you change your mind? maybe we could chat on msn if you have that?! Please let me know i will be watching for your next post. i hope to hear from you again. take care and give your self a hug for me please.
     
  7. BlindOrphan

    BlindOrphan Member

    im 18 years of age, and i have yahoo I.M i think it works with MSN. and no it wouldnt bother me if i spoke about my past. And i would like to talk to somebody. Im glad you came along.
     
  8. Kishin

    Kishin Member

    your soo young. there is so much for you to experience in the world. but i am sure you have heard that from many people. well i will tell you my email then maybe we can start to chat or just email if you would like. it is "oasis_69@live.com" please feel free to email any time and i will try my best to get back to you asap. like i said if there is anything you want to ask go right ahead. hope to hear from you soon. hugs. i am glad your still around. :)
     
  9. BlindOrphan

    BlindOrphan Member

    i added you to my yahoo, sorry i havent repled in awhile ive been busy doing nothing, didnt mean to scare ya...*Sigh* well call it a sign knowing that no store near me carries OTC sleeping pills. so yeah...Everything just sucks..i just want to go to California, nothing else..
     
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