So it's come to this...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SweetVitriol, Oct 12, 2009.

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  1. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Well I guess the remission was too good to last..

    I posted on here when things got too much last time and cannot express just how much this forum helped me through my darkest hour..But here I am again..

    It has been two years since I got my diagnosis and fourteen months since I quit my meds and the shrinks in order to try and straighten my life out on my own but I guess I overestimated my capabilities.

    Now I am back where I began..The dark thoughts, the voices, the suicidal tenancies..Hell..I am even on the cusp of losing my job..

    I wish I could find someone in the chatroom to talk to but they all seem to be teenagers with other things on their minds or seem hostile to an older member having problems..I will not bore you with my life story, I posted it before and writing it all out again would seem a waste of my time and of yours..

    I just want this to end...No more pain..No more feeling like I am the square peg forced in the round hole..To finally turn my back on this sick world..

    So far I have managed to alienate anyone who has reached out to me..My anorexia has returned and right now I am hell bent on starving myself and I do wonder which will kill me first..The lack of food or the dark thoughts that urge me to go..

    I do not write this for sympathy (I know those in the chatroom would never give that anyway) All I need is to know that there are others still fighting to make sense of this...Trying to find a way to survive.

    I wish I could cry..but there is nothing left..
  2. Pilko

    Pilko Active Member

    You are not alone. I am sorry that you feel this way. SF will support you again. I am here if you need to chat
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    Trying to find a way to survive?

    Understandable. I do that everyday. is enough, just for now to know, that our lives, yours and mine, are unique to the world.

    There are no other people like us. And so for today, just for today, I am going to live for me. And then I will get up tomorrow, and try and do it again.

    Live for yourself. Regardless of the issue.
    What have u got to loose?
  4. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    I try to survive each day as it comes but the void that exists where my feelings once were just eats away at me..

    I cannot understand this world..These people who I have dedicated my life to saving who then turn around and belittle and beat me..

    It makes no sense..It has no rhyme or reason..And my will is weak..
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I can hope you talk with your doctor and get back on some medication to help you through this rough time. We care here as you know and will support you as well. Depression does have it times when it seems like god will it ever end but it does. Glad you came back for support when you neededit.
  6. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Violet I thank you..But meds are the last thing I need right now..

    I need to have the courage of my convictions and leave..And I shall.
  7. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello SweetVitriol.

    It sounds a bit like on top of everything bad in your life, you've reached out for help here in the chat room, and been made to feel even worse? I'm thinking that maybe that's like the straw that broke .... Would it help to say what's been going on with chat room? I haven't dared venture in there properly yet, as I feel quite intimidated by the speed of the chat and how out of touch with the topics I seem to be...

    Maybe we should use the Antiquities room a bit more? What do you think?
  8. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Maybe..I for one will not be going back into the main chat room again.
  9. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

  10. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Enough..I'm off to medicate myself to sleep..

    It's days like this I wish I wouldn't wake
  11. SweetVitriol

    SweetVitriol Antiquitie's Friend

    Finally things seem to be coming to a head..
    After much thought I have decided to resupply my stash of meds and prepare myself for my escape.. Over the last few days everything seems to have become so much clearer..The voices louder and the pain, well..I guess everyone on this forum knows about the pain..

    Everytime I come on here and see how many wounded souls are crying out, it saddens me... If I could wrap my arms around every one of you I would..If I could carry your burden and remove the pain, I would..but I cannot..
    This world sickens me..The people, wrapped up in their pursuit of money and status seems shallow and pointless...
    Tonight I start another seven night run at my hospital and I shall be sheltered from all this by attempting to make someone else's life worth living, but at the end of those seven nights I shall be plunged back into my worthless existence and the void that I occupy..

    To punish myself for having stayed so long I turn back to my ED and the single minded pursuit of disappearing..the last week has seen me drop 10lbs and I know that until my time comes, I can continue making myself vanish pound by pound..

    I loathe this place..I just wish I could cry or scream but I cannot even muster the energy to do that...I just sit here starving myself..
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