For those who don't know me (which, judging by all the new faces I see on here these days, is probably most of you) I've been a member on here for a few years now. I don't really post on the boards much anymore because I'm sort of at a stage now where I'm moving on with my life. Getting better, losing weight, keeping active and busy...so I don't see much need to post here anymore. However, for those who do remember me, you might recall that for the past few years, I've had some on-off issues with a girl I've been having an online relationship with. It's all kind of a long story and I don't really want to explain it but if you go through my past posts then you'll see a pretty clear picture.
Anyway, at the beginning of the year I resolved to turn my life around once and for all and since then as I mentioned I've been trying to make a bit more of an effort to do things again other than sit around and mope on the computer and I do seem to notice my confidence slowly coming back.
However there was always one thing which kept on dragging me back to square one and it was this online long distance relationship. I'd been deliberating ending the relationship for a few months because I came to the realization that I'd wrapped myself up so much over the past few years into some fantasy which wasn't real and never will be. I think I was more in love with the idea rather than the actual person because I've never had any real life girlfriend before so I saw it as a means to an end. An escape from reality and I just deluded myself into thinking it was something more.
For a while, I went back and forth on the whole issue, afraid to do anything because I felt that this was all I had ever known and all I ever will know. That no one out there could ever possibly love me again so I should cling onto it no matter how unhealthy it was for me.
But yesterday I made the bold move to end things with her once and for all. She responded by saying that she was past that whole stage anyway and just wanted to be friends/buddies. She just didn't want to hurt me. So we both agreed that it would be best if we ended that chapter of our lives.
Rather than feel bitterness and sadness like the last time she broke my heart, I just saw it as a learning experience and decided that I wasn't going to mope or feel sorry for myself. I was going to move on with my life now and not have to feel guilty about her not being a part of it (at least in "that" way). But yeah, I felt pretty relieved and fine after that. Realistically, we probably weren't ever going to meet and I pretty much figured she just saw me as her online buddy and nothing more so I accepted that. No regrets either. If anything, it's led me to where I'm at now which to be honest is the best I've been at (both physically and mentally) in years!
I will admit though that after listening to a sad song over the radio this evening, I did get a bit choked up and teary eyed and started to sting a little bit which I guess is natural. I mean, 4 years I'm bound to feel some kind of withdrawal symptoms. I think at that point the realization just suddenly sank in and I thought: "Wow! This is really it! This is really the end for us!" So I had to grieve a bit. It's an end and we mourn whenever things end. Probably won't be the last time that happens either. She's been a pretty big part of my life for the past few years.
But I'm not going to give up the good work I've been doing so far and I'm just going to continue to focus on myself for now. If Mrs. Right should come along (in real life this time as I don't plan on doing the online thing ever again) - great! If not then I won't lose patience and I'll just keep fighting and ploughing on through life.
I wanted to post this partly just to give people an update. Might be nice to hear from a few people I haven't seen in a while and also maybe someone out there is going through a similar situation right now? I don't know. But in the event that they are then hopefully they can take something away from this.
I have been on an amazing inner journey these past few months. I've learned more about myself in that short space of time than I have in all my 22 years alive. I've really matured as a person as well, I feel. So I guess my point is...if anyone is finding themselves going through a pretty rough breakup atm or not quite knowing what to do or maybe you're just plain old down in the dumps, chin up. Because I did just that. I just lifted my head up one day and liked the view so much I didn't want to let it down again :tongue: Nah, seriously I just want to let you know that there is hope out there and it's natural to mourn and feel bad for a while because we're only human. But trust me, life does start to feel a whole lot better once you say "To hell with the world" and start living for yourself.
For me, it started with getting a Wii Fit in the new year sales lol and then from there I got a little bit more serious with my exercise and joined a gym. Lost 2 and a half stone so far. Then when I started to feel a lot more confident, I started going to an Art workshop on a Thursday morning and then a Creative Writing workshop and now I'm looking into part-time course so things sort of spiral from one thing to another. It's funny how that happens.
I was going to post this in the relationships forum since it started out as a relationship talk but I think I'll put it here in the positive messages forum as it would be a more appropriate place. Don't really want anyone to feel as if I'm shoving my successes in their face. I'm just proud that I was finally able to snap myself out of it. I still have my ups and downs. Believe me, Ned Flanders from The Simpsons I am not lol but I'm trying to get into the mindset now where I'm just going to keep on fighting even when life just wants to cripple me completely. And it will if you let it, I'll tell you that much. I also have quite a long way to go yet but I won't let myself slip back again.
So....ha ha....rambled on for longer than I expected. Eek! Sorry!
But yeah, I do hope this gives some people at least a little bit of hope. 'Hope'...that word wasn't even in my vocabulary a few months ago lol
True, life is f'd up and we might not always get what we want. But if we're going to go down then we may as well go down fighting.
Anyway, at the beginning of the year I resolved to turn my life around once and for all and since then as I mentioned I've been trying to make a bit more of an effort to do things again other than sit around and mope on the computer and I do seem to notice my confidence slowly coming back.
However there was always one thing which kept on dragging me back to square one and it was this online long distance relationship. I'd been deliberating ending the relationship for a few months because I came to the realization that I'd wrapped myself up so much over the past few years into some fantasy which wasn't real and never will be. I think I was more in love with the idea rather than the actual person because I've never had any real life girlfriend before so I saw it as a means to an end. An escape from reality and I just deluded myself into thinking it was something more.
For a while, I went back and forth on the whole issue, afraid to do anything because I felt that this was all I had ever known and all I ever will know. That no one out there could ever possibly love me again so I should cling onto it no matter how unhealthy it was for me.
But yesterday I made the bold move to end things with her once and for all. She responded by saying that she was past that whole stage anyway and just wanted to be friends/buddies. She just didn't want to hurt me. So we both agreed that it would be best if we ended that chapter of our lives.
Rather than feel bitterness and sadness like the last time she broke my heart, I just saw it as a learning experience and decided that I wasn't going to mope or feel sorry for myself. I was going to move on with my life now and not have to feel guilty about her not being a part of it (at least in "that" way). But yeah, I felt pretty relieved and fine after that. Realistically, we probably weren't ever going to meet and I pretty much figured she just saw me as her online buddy and nothing more so I accepted that. No regrets either. If anything, it's led me to where I'm at now which to be honest is the best I've been at (both physically and mentally) in years!
I will admit though that after listening to a sad song over the radio this evening, I did get a bit choked up and teary eyed and started to sting a little bit which I guess is natural. I mean, 4 years I'm bound to feel some kind of withdrawal symptoms. I think at that point the realization just suddenly sank in and I thought: "Wow! This is really it! This is really the end for us!" So I had to grieve a bit. It's an end and we mourn whenever things end. Probably won't be the last time that happens either. She's been a pretty big part of my life for the past few years.
But I'm not going to give up the good work I've been doing so far and I'm just going to continue to focus on myself for now. If Mrs. Right should come along (in real life this time as I don't plan on doing the online thing ever again) - great! If not then I won't lose patience and I'll just keep fighting and ploughing on through life.
I wanted to post this partly just to give people an update. Might be nice to hear from a few people I haven't seen in a while and also maybe someone out there is going through a similar situation right now? I don't know. But in the event that they are then hopefully they can take something away from this.
I have been on an amazing inner journey these past few months. I've learned more about myself in that short space of time than I have in all my 22 years alive. I've really matured as a person as well, I feel. So I guess my point is...if anyone is finding themselves going through a pretty rough breakup atm or not quite knowing what to do or maybe you're just plain old down in the dumps, chin up. Because I did just that. I just lifted my head up one day and liked the view so much I didn't want to let it down again :tongue: Nah, seriously I just want to let you know that there is hope out there and it's natural to mourn and feel bad for a while because we're only human. But trust me, life does start to feel a whole lot better once you say "To hell with the world" and start living for yourself.
For me, it started with getting a Wii Fit in the new year sales lol and then from there I got a little bit more serious with my exercise and joined a gym. Lost 2 and a half stone so far. Then when I started to feel a lot more confident, I started going to an Art workshop on a Thursday morning and then a Creative Writing workshop and now I'm looking into part-time course so things sort of spiral from one thing to another. It's funny how that happens.
I was going to post this in the relationships forum since it started out as a relationship talk but I think I'll put it here in the positive messages forum as it would be a more appropriate place. Don't really want anyone to feel as if I'm shoving my successes in their face. I'm just proud that I was finally able to snap myself out of it. I still have my ups and downs. Believe me, Ned Flanders from The Simpsons I am not lol but I'm trying to get into the mindset now where I'm just going to keep on fighting even when life just wants to cripple me completely. And it will if you let it, I'll tell you that much. I also have quite a long way to go yet but I won't let myself slip back again.
So....ha ha....rambled on for longer than I expected. Eek! Sorry!
But yeah, I do hope this gives some people at least a little bit of hope. 'Hope'...that word wasn't even in my vocabulary a few months ago lolTrue, life is f'd up and we might not always get what we want. But if we're going to go down then we may as well go down fighting.
