And I've decided that if I had easy access to a gun that would make it easy enough that I would actually do it. I mean I would really do it. It's not like I don't get any joy from life but, really, very little. Life's no fun when you isolate. That's what I'm calling it now: "I isolate". Truth is I'm fucked in the head. I went through bad experiences and it changed my personality, I don't think anything is going to change that. There's no solution to the problem. I barely function in the world at all - just the bare minimum to get by. I can't relate to other people. I know it's a problem and I know I should change but the truth is I don't want to. Any small social interaction and I'm set for weeks. I can feel the entropy around me. I'm getting older. My life's not going anywhere. The thought of ending it seems a lot easier than trying to change anything.