I'm new here, but I suppose that most people who come here don't have a lot of time to lurk before posting. I don't know if I'm in the right section. But here goes: For the past two years I've been trying to start my life over and having no success. I'm not sure how much is just needing more time to grieve and how much is just me not being strong enough or good enough or whatever. Rarely has a day gone by when I didn't think of eating my .38. I manage not to do it, but when I go to bed at night, I always wish that I could die in my sleep. I can exist for another 2 years or so on the proceeds of my husbands life insurance. So here's what I've been thinking: What if I just gave up on this idea of going on and just decided that I will kill myself when the money runs out? Would I finally find some peace knowing that I don't have to start over? Could I just enjoy going to the movies, sunny days, etc. without this constant worry that I won't figure out what to do with my life? It would be as if I had a terminal illness, and just had a finite amount of time to get what enjoyment I can out of my life. I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job, what would happen when I get sick or old or whether I will ever find someone to love me. Why bother with love when you're going to die? Could I actually enjoy living once I choose a date for dying?