So I've Been Thinking. . . .

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bright1, Jul 1, 2009.

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  1. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    I'm new here, but I suppose that most people who come here don't have a lot of time to lurk before posting. I don't know if I'm in the right section. But here goes:

    For the past two years I've been trying to start my life over and having no success. I'm not sure how much is just needing more time to grieve and how much is just me not being strong enough or good enough or whatever.

    Rarely has a day gone by when I didn't think of eating my .38. I manage not to do it, but when I go to bed at night, I always wish that I could die in my sleep.

    I can exist for another 2 years or so on the proceeds of my husbands life insurance. So here's what I've been thinking:

    What if I just gave up on this idea of going on and just decided that I will kill myself when the money runs out? Would I finally find some peace knowing that I don't have to start over? Could I just enjoy going to the movies, sunny days, etc. without this constant worry that I won't figure out what to do with my life?

    It would be as if I had a terminal illness, and just had a finite amount of time to get what enjoyment I can out of my life. I wouldn't have to worry about finding a job, what would happen when I get sick or old or whether I will ever find someone to love me. Why bother with love when you're going to die?

    Could I actually enjoy living once I choose a date for dying?
  2. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    please reconsider bright1 :hug: there is more to life than what you've been through and please don't beat yourself up about the way things have gone :smile: it can be better!

    do you have a therapist you can talk to about how you're feeling? you seem as though you would benefit from seeing one - it helps a lot :hug:
    and about getting a job, it's not impossible, however hard it may seem right now. what do you enjoy? what would you like to work as? there are plenty of jobs that don't require much stress or responsibility so you could concentrate on getting yourself back on track at the same time :heart:
    triggs xx
  3. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    My problem is that I hate for anyone to know that I'm having trouble. I always say that I'm doing fine, that I don't need anything. I can't even open up to my therapist, so therapy is a waste of time.

    This comes from growing up with a father who's only reaction to any emotional outburst was to "dry it up." He was repelled by any sign of neediness or vulnerability, and so I learned that the worst thing in the world is to be discovered not to be strong enough to manage your life and your problems.

    I so want to be able to call someone and ask for help. Or just to ask someone to come sit with me and listen. But doing that seems less preferable than just dying--at least I won't have to hear about it when people find out I'm not the rock I pretend to be.

    What I want to do is write for a living. I'm doing a little of that now, but not enough to pay my bills. It's either the worst occupation for me (because of all the time alone) or the best one (because the tortured artist is usually the best). I'm also working for my friend's husband, trying to keep her business afloat for him, but I'm doing that without pay as a way to pay back my friend for having helped me through the last 18 months since my husband died (she died on May 2).

    I've thought about just getting a job as an administrative assistant or something just to get out of the apartment and around people, but I feel exhausted all the time, and I feel the most suicidal when I'm tired. I'm afraid going to work may wear me out so much that it puts me over the edge.

    But what about my idea that I should just pick and date and stop worrying about whether I'm going to kill myself or not?
  4. triggs

    triggs Account Closed

    picking a date doesn't really help you relax and forget about stuff - i've chosen so many dates at so many different points in my life when i've felt like there was no way out, but all it does is make you stressed, keeps you planning how/when/with what/who will find me/letters/no letters/tidying stuff up beforehand/whether it'll work. it's not as simple a way out as it seems, and setting a date, and pinning all your hopes on that, just makes you feel SO much worse if you fail or can't go through with it or something goes wrong. so no, along with it being a bad idea because dying isn't the best way to handle things anyway, it's not a good idea anyway. sorry to be blunt. this may sound a bit mean, but just expecting the worst of each situation doesn't get you anywhere, and you need to start taking action before you dismiss everything :hug:

    i think you should stick with your therapist - because they know that a lot of people find it hard to open up and accept they don't have it all together, so tell them and they will be able to help and listen :smile: or, if that doesn't work out, you always have us on here :hug: you can talk to me any time and i will try to get back to you as soon as i can and i'll help as much as i can. i'm not just saying this to seem nice, i really would prefer you to send me a message if you feel you need to talk or rant or anything okay :) i'm sure nobody here wants you feeling this way anymore :heart:

    getting a job can seem so stressful and tiring, i know, but it's a necessity, you know you can't be living off the money you have much longer and it will only bring you down counting down the days til it's all gone. so get a job, and use the money you have as a luxury. use it to get something that might make you feel better - maybe buy a DVD and invite one of your friends over, have a chat and build on your friendship so maybe in a few weeks you can feel comfortable enough talking to them about how you feel. i'm sure, as they know about your husband and your friend, they will be sympathetic and caring :smile:
    working for your friend, keeping their business afloat makes me think you're a lovely person, who cares a lot about their friends, so let your friends help you a little okay :)

    thinking of you :heart: triggs xx

    sorry i didn't address the issue of feeling more suicidal when tired, i didn't really know how to answer it.
    perhaps you could get a job that isn't too demanding and that only requires a few hours a day. i'm sure you'll find something. and writing you can do with your extra hours in the day and it may make you feel better too - do you think so? if it's something you love to do then you should embrace it :hug: keep safe xx
  5. bright1

    bright1 Well-Known Member

    And here I'd thought I'd come up with a unique solution. I did just spend a couple of hours making up a checklist of things I have to do before I kill myself. And it would be a terrible disaster, not to mention humiliating, if I couldn't go through with it and found myself "outed" as suicidal, hospitalized and broke too.

    Maybe I will go back to my therapist, but I can't admit I'm suicidal. It will then become illegal for me to own my handgun, which I will need if I decide to die. I don't know if they actually come take it from me or not, but I will certainly lose my concealed carry license, which I worked hard to earn.

    As far as inviting friends over, that's proving to be a problem. I never used to invite friends over because I was sure that my house wasn't clean enough--then after Hal died I started smoking in the house, which made it stink. Now I live in a new, clean apartment, but none of my friends want to come over.

    Also, I live in an area with a lot of small towns, some separated by tunnels and bridges. It seems that whenever I want to get together with a friend, I always have to be the one to make the drive to their town; it's too much trouble apparently, for anyone to come to my town to do anything. I used to not mind (too much) but now I find that spending long periods in my truck with nothing but my thoughts for company isn't a good thing. I've told this to my friends, but they have basically just said that they'll be happy to get together when I feel well enough to make the drive again.

    I can't help but feel that I deserve this treatment. I must have done something wrong somewhere along the way.

    Thanks for listening.
  6. LenaLunacy

    LenaLunacy Well-Known Member

    Noone deserves to feel this way, is the first thing i'd like to say, and neither do you. This is just unfortunate, that these feelings have befallen you.
    I would advise continuing to see your therapist. I can sort of understand you not wanting to tell about your suicidal feelings, but stay with them and keep talking, it might help you feel better to just have someone to talk to.
    Maybe you could throw a big housewarming party, so that lots of people are invited? They're more likely to come then, as noone can say no to a housewarming party and then they can see that your house is clean and smell free :) Then they'll be more likely to come over again.
    Why don't you play some loud music when you're driving over to friends? That would help to drown out your thoughts while your driving?
    Take care.
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