I'm feeling very jealous and angry, it seems totally irrationally so, towards my best friend. She just got married last October and she announced today that she and her husband bought a house and are moving in it in a month. I also know they are trying for a baby already and all of it is just killing me. My boyfriend and I both work in retail and can't afford to get married let alone own a home or have a family, all of which I really, really want. The thing that spurred this on was my subconscious I think. I had a dream last night where I was talking about my best friend and everything she has to a coworker and then I flat out said, "She's living the life I can only dream of." This morning I mentioned it to my boyfriend and I just started crying and I couldn't stop. Now I feel bad because he feels bad about not being good enough. I have assured him I love him so very much and appreciate everything he has done for us but...he's right. It just is never enough. I don't want to live a rich and fabulous life or anything, I just want to live comfortably and be able to have a family. My best friend is the same age as me and she's already ahead of the game. She has wealthy parents who have helped her out so much. My boyfriend's dad is wealthy but the man hardly ever speaks to my boyfriend even though he has made so much effort to be closer to his dad. My own parents don't have very much and when I do ask for help they basically tell me to figure it out myself. It just PISSES ME OFF!!! It's just not FAIR!! I just want to scream and shout and tell them how much I HATE THEM for putting me down a useless path of DEBT. All my dad ever does is encourage me to get more education when I already went through a year of trade school and put myself in $10,000 of debt for NOTHING!!! I tried so hard to find a job in my field and was constantly discriminated against because of my weight. (I am 5'5" and roughly 270lbs) I know I'm a fucking fat ass, but that doesn't mean I don't work said fat ass off like crazy. I am such a damn hard worker. I have had to work for everything in my life. Nobody handed me shit on a silver platter. But what has it gotten me? NOTHING!!! I'm working in fucking retail for $10 an hour for Christ Sakes. I've been working on finances and struggling with a 12 year old vehicle that's run down and beat up and constantly falling apart. I'm trying to plan and prepare for buying a new car and financing it for 5 years. If I do that I won't have any savings and I certainly won't have any money to go towards a wedding, a home or a family, but I need a new car because I work 40 goddamn minutes away from home and can't afford to continue breaking down on the road. It just makes me so ANGRY!!! I just want to scream and shout and I keep thinking about ways to end all of this bullshit. I look at my best friend who was so lucky to have parents who actually cared about her and helped her buy a condo 5 years ago which she is now selling and using the equity to pay off her NEW CAR and put down on a NEW HOUSE. This is so fucking depressing. I feel like I have nothing going for me. I feel like I have lost all my childhood dreams. I wanted to be a cartoonist, I wanted to be an animator and get into art and design, but the schooling was so expensive and my parents strongly discouraged me from following my DREAMS. Instead I ended up working part time jobs here and there while I took general education at a community college. Then my dad pushed me into picking a career path, strongly pushed me into the healthcare field. I picked one and blew money I did not have on schooling for it and ended up right back in retail and in serious debt. I'm just so tired of it. I am tired of feeling like I'll never crawl out of this hole. I am tired of feeling like I am just being a selfish bitch and for hating my friend who has everything that I've ever wanted now and have to work 100 times harder to get. She deserves to be happy and yet here I am jealous and hateful towards her. What kind of friend am I? Suicidal thoughts are permeating my mind as I struggle to think of ways to escape this crushing debt and lack of progress in my life. I just want to curl up into a ball and cry until I die.