One event can completely derail your entire life. It can hurt so bad that when you think about it, you want so badly to cry, but all you can manage is a halfway laugh. For me this happened in April of 2010. I recently found a song that personifies my feelings about it, its so depressing but i can't stop listing to it, and even if i did it would be playing in my head anyway. I am reluctant to divulge details because I would hurt someone I still feel loyalty to, even though such feelings are ridiculous and needless. for over two years its been eating away at me from the inside, its starting to break through the surface, I'm becoming more and more bitter. I would just kill myself to be honest if it was an option, unfortunately or perhaps fortunately, that is not an option. I don't like what I've become, and like even less where I see it going. I don't know how to explain how I feel, but I don't really feel this is a crisis situation, so I'm posting it here. I feel so half dead. I've been catching myself saying out loud when alone: "I wish I was dead." I guess its a true enough statement. just a bit unnerving to be saying such things out loud to myself. I wish I could just quit, but I can't.