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So lost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by belladonna88, Feb 5, 2013.

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  1. belladonna88

    belladonna88 Member

    I'm not really sure where to post this. I have just joined this site. I am feeling suicidal and have done for the last few weeks. I have obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and severe depression, and have done for around 6 years. I have attempted suicide a few times. I am also a prescription pain-killer addict, have been for the last 3 years. I abuse my body everyday with these pills and honestly don't know how long i will live until.

    Things got from bad to worse a few weeks ago. I had been with my ex partner for 4 years. a short time into our relationship he cheated on me and i took him back, but wish i didn't. we stayed together for three years after that, and all the while i had strong feelings for a friend of mine who i had known for years before. I loved him for 3 years. The romance in my relationship had died a long while ago, but we still went through the motions. a few months ago i broke up with my partner, he got a new girlfriend and i told my friend how i felt about him, he said he felt the same way and we got together. I felt like i was happy for the first time in years. I felt strong and like i could give up the drugs for him, but a few weeks ago he left me. without even a reason, just pushed me out of his life, with only a text message telling me he was sorry.

    I have felt so lost and lonely since he left me. I am back living with my mother, who does not tolerate mental heath problems. I have no where else to go though, and feel unable to get a job. I am sleeping so much, taking much more codeine, because i can't stand feeling sober, it hurts too much. I just really need some help, i need someone. i've tried to reach out to others tried to make new connections, but i feel like i am too depressed to socalise. and i feel alienated around others, because i don't want to admit to people i a mentally ill in case they don't want to be around me. I'm so lonely and scared.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun I think the first thing you need to do hun is talk to your doctor and get help to get off the pain meds that much tyleno hun will destroy your organs Also talk to your doc about your depression This guy he may have had problems of his own hun not telling you abt them Please hun don't give up on YOU ok Get some help for you is the most impt thing to do right now hugs
  3. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Sorry to hear what your going through! Reading it pretty much sums up how I feel as far as feeling alienated around others. I have found posting to be therapeutic, since its almost impossible to tell any of my friends my feelings, I find its a good outlet to let some emotions out. I'm gonna try seeing a psyc to see if it helps, maybe it's something to look into if you haven't already? I hate the feeling of being alone in this fight as well, just trying day by day to get through the emotions. Hope you start to feelin better.
  4. belladonna88

    belladonna88 Member

    thanks for the reply's. I do want to stop with the pills but feel like they are the only thing keeping me going right now. I have tried giving them up quite a few times but the pain from the withdrawal is something i just can't cope with right now. I take the pills because of how i feel, but in turn the pills make me feel like scum, it's a never ending cycle. I hate myself for being a drug addict, and i hate myself in general.

    I think i'm a very dependant person. Although i do like to spend a lot of time alone, i need someone to love me, or else i feel really worthless. I really just want to love myself, but i can't.

    i'm scared of pain. I'm scared of death and hell, but i am also scared of life and living.
  5. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    I am sorry to hear about your struggles belladonna. I am sorry that you have been treated badly by your ex bf's and it is no wonder that you felt like you had to turn to drugs to escape the pain. It is do-able though hun, and maybe the time to give up the pills is now. If you feel at rock bottom, then what have you got to lose? You can gradually build up your life again, get some self esteem back and learn to love yourself again. There are many facilities you can use whilst you withdraw from the pills. It may mean a short stint and hospital, and probably a long time in therapy but it will be worth it in the long run. You are worth it, and you CAN do it :hug:
  6. belladonna88

    belladonna88 Member

    thanks butterfly. what i am scared of is telling my doctor, i am scared they will get angry. Also i fear that when i d tell them there is no going back and i will not be able to get pills anymore, which i know is a good thing, but i'm scared because the times i gave up the pills i felt even more empty inside. I think part of it is also self harm, i felt this strange feeling like i was treating myself too well, and i needed something to harm me. I know it is the best step to take, just so afraid of getting my life back, i know that sounds strange. I've also heard that alot of doctors will just give you diazpam for opiate withdrawals and i have tried that before and it did' help, still felt alot of pain. am from the uk btw.
  7. Butterfly

    Butterfly Sim Addict Staff Alumni SF Author SF Supporter

    Don't be scared of telling your doctor. They are supposed to be non-judgemental people looking out for your best interests. It if their job to listen and treat you accordingly. If you will be at risk whilst you are withdrawing e.g suicide, self harm risk then they will usually say it's best you detox in hospital. In fact, I have not really heard of anyone not detoxing in some sort of acute hospital setting. They don't just give you diazepam and let you get on with it. If you are in a psych ward there are benzo's which help the physical effects that you will experience whilst coming off the drugs, but you will also have the support of staff, doctors and therapists, which will also carry on in the long term to help you through. Many NHS trusts also have specialist Substance Misuse teams who are the experts in that field to provide the best care possible.

    I know where you are coming from with the SH thing though. Sometimes I poison or harm myself because I take great pleasure in knowing I am harming myself because I deserve it. But with the right help you can overcome it. I also know what it feels like to be so used to your illness, that it is frightening to want to recover because the illness has been part of you for so long, even though it makes you eternally miserable. I am trying to get the path started to recovery also, and I am absolutely terrified, but I know that I can't live like this anymore.
  8. Lost in translation

    Lost in translation Active Member

    Know what your saying bout the doctors though, I have my first appointment booked for Thursday and I'm terrified. I'm a little different in terms of I'm not on any meds and I'm scared they'll try and put me on some, and since I have an addictive personality I feel I'd never get off them. Also fear the doc putting me in the hospital for something I say. Like butterfly said though, there supposed to be non judgemental so I'm a give it a chance. There has to something milder that they can use to slowly take you off the meds i would hope, just a thought.
  9. CGMAngel

    CGMAngel SF Supporter

    Hi Bella;

    I read your posts and wanted to let you know I could relate to so much of what you have said. OCD, anxiety, severe depression, too depressed to socialize, alienated around others, lonely, scared of death, scared of life.... I could go on!

    There are a lot of very kind, understanding and supportive people here who will listen to you without judgement. (Being negatively judged seems to be something you worry about.)

    I hope you will feel safe here, surrounded by people who really care. I agree with "eclipse" that the guy who left you probably had problems of his own. I think it is human nature to blame ourselves when someone rejects us, but so often the cause is a weakness in the other person, not us. No matter how some people may treat you, you deserve only the best. Never forget that.
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