So Low...can't even find the energy to SH or suicide.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by GoldenPsych, Jan 30, 2011.

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  1. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I get like this. So low that all I want to do is stay in my bed, go on the internet and watch films. I am feeling so low that I can't even be bothered to self harm or suicide. It's when my mood lifts a bit that I gain more energy. It's then I can think about how I will do it, how and when I will SH. I can't even hide it at the moment. People are noticing that all I am doing is sleeping or in my room. It's then I remember how I feel and what I am like when I am like this and then it's bad. I am low and down then but this is when it's it's worst.

    Got PDoc appointment tomorrow. I really can't be bothered. I really don't like him and it just turned in to an arguement last time. I hope tomorrow I can argue back as if I feel like this I will just be sat there in silence. I can't be bothered to speak to anyone. I may as well not be here as I have nothing to offer at the moment. I'd rather be SHing or planning than feeling like this!
     
  2. Cute_Angel_Xx

    Cute_Angel_Xx Account Closed

    Hey,

    Doesn't seem your day has ben like many others, that can be understandable that you wish to do nothing if you have depression. Could you change your Pdoc I don't think it would be much help you arguing with him why not explain to him why you dislike him?
    Please don't turn to SHing I believe you are stronger keep yourself bust make your body do something, I would hate to see you getting hurt :hug: PM me if you need a chat :console:
     
  3. Ravenwing

    Ravenwing Well-Known Member

    I can relate to that. Big :hug:
     
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You know what i would do if my therapist made me angry i would yell back and get my point across i would make sure he heard how i was feeling and why.
    at least then you would feel you accomplish something hugs. tell it as it is okay
     
  5. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I've only seen him once before and he is as high up as you can get in the team I am in. He just wont listen to me. I wont SH today. I don't have the energy. It is something that will happen in a few days. I find it such a waste of time that I am considering just giving up on it all. I have asked for help, they haven't so what's the point. I am no better now now other people are involved than I was when it was just me battling on. If anything things are getting worse and worse. I really can't see the point.

    I have feelings that I have just given up. I don't care what happens anymore. I stopped taking the antibiotics for the infection in my leg hoping it would cause blood posioning or something. But the infection seems to be fighting itself. At the moment I don't feel as I can do anything. But I can stop. If that makes sense?
     
  6. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Ignore if you need to tough love coming.

    You take your medicines, all thats going to do is make you feel worse. Maybe the doc is trying to aggravate you to bring out some emotions, get mad about it, tell him to F off if that will make you feel better but you get up and go that appt, you know its hard enough getting them dont miss out on it.

    You feel to tired to do anything, well then just lay there but put on some funnies, watch a comedy or take a nap. Dont let the over take you, your stronger than it is, dont give up and give in. Fight it, you are worth it!!
     
  7. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I don't feel as though I have anything to fight for. I keep thinking about being in hospital and having dreams about it and I think that it may be on the cards and that if things continue like this then it would be the best place. Part of me wants to give in and just think fuck all of it and self harm and OD and make attempts. Yet the other part of me knows if I do this then I don't stand a chance with my career. At the moment all I have is uni and my career. I can't screw it up. But then on the other hand I am close to jacking it all in.

    I really don't like this psychiatrist guy. I am giving it one more go and if I don't feel right tomorrow I am giving it up. I still see a counsellor from the support network so it's not like I don't have anyone. I am just so tired of fighting these two alternatives that are going on. It's a constant battle. Even when I don't feel as depressed as I have done for the past couple of days I am thinking of death and a way out. What is stopping me now is that I don't have any energy.

    I have been in bed all day. I need to get up and wash my hair at some point as wont have time in the morning before psych appointment. But then I am struggling to find the energy just to do that. It doesn't help that it's a right kerfuffle doing it as I can't shower properly as of my legs and I can't take the dressings off or get them wet. I wanna stand under a really hot shower but I can't. I am so sick of all of this!
     
  8. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Is there anyway you can get a shower head that you can detach and handhold?

    Im sorry that your having a hard time, but like you say you do have things to live for you just need to remind yourself. I agree if you dont feel comfortable talking to this guy then give him the boot but that doesnt mean to give up, dont let him make that decision for you.

    The good is fighting the bad, its a struggle, stop fighting the good coming in, let it take over think of your job, of school, everything that you do have going for you, and grow on that.

    What are you going to be when you grow up, lol?
     
  9. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I'm doing a Masters in Social Work at the moment. It was my experiences from a couple of years ago with an amazing social worker which has led me down the route. So as you can tell, if I fuck it all up then I don't stand much chance as I need to complete the course, I need to be able to do well at it and not miss stuff so I can get a job at the end of it. I let the illness encroach on my last degree and only ended up with a 2.2 and I want a Merit in this.

    I know I am fighting between good and bad. It's just so hard. I don't know how much longer I can go on fighting for. I don't know how long it will be before I get to the stage where I think who cares. I wont be around to do it so why am I trying. I don't know if I am actively suicidal. What is that? I think about it all day everyday. I don't have particular plans at the moment. I know if I got the chance to make it look like an accident and wouldn't cause me much if any pain I would jump at the chance. I am too scared. I am scared of pain and I don't want to hurt my family by them knowing it was suicide. Obs I know if I died it would hurt but feel it would hurt them more if they knew it was through my own choice.

    I wish for something like a really bad illness, something that I have no control over and then I wouldn't have to worry. It's really getting out of hand. And how do I voice this to the PDoc? I worry when talking to them is that all they are assessing is if I need to be in hospital. Not what they can do. Which is why I never tell the truth. When I have seen nurseman I have never told him the truth as I think that all they are doing is making sure I don't need to be in hospital.
     
  10. doityourself

    doityourself Well-Known Member

    Wow I feel totally the same exact way. To have it taken out of my hands would be great, but this is my life and i want to choose when its time or not time.

    Social work is awesome, you will be able to help so many, will you work with adults or children. I would recommend children because adults are set in their ways and children can still change pretty easily with the right push.

    I understand what you mean about being scared to tell that they will commit you, but you have to be honest with them and with yourself, if a hospital stay is what you need then do it, and hopefully you will come out the other side feeling better. Maybe a new meds or a up is in order I know I get use to mine pretty quick and they are always upping the dosage on them.

    I also think of suicide everyday some days its a constant, but I dont think Im sucidial if that makes sense, i will not live my kids by my hands, I will not cause this hurt to anyone, I wouldnt want anyone to feel what I feel and I think killing myself would bring that on my kids and my H so they are what keep me going.

    Your reason is to go to school and make a successful person out of you, to make a future for yourself. Our goals in life change everyday so add some new ones, and I think as you build on them the stress and anxieties will lesson because you will see the reason your here, that your worth the fight. You are you know I know because just wanting to be in social work tells me that you care and have a huge heart. Spread some of that love around and watch it come back your way.
     
  11. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I was going to go in to Adult Mental Health, however, the UK government is not good at the moment and loads of cuts are being made in adult social care so there is not really great job prospects at the end of it. Also, being as though I am still involved in adult social care as of my own mental health it is a bit raw at the moment for me really. So think, I am going to take the childrens route to start off with and work in child protection. But I am lucky as the course is generic so once the government gets its act together and realises more money needs to be spent on adult social care I would like to move across. I would eventually like to do my AMHP's training which is basically having the power of section and doing mental health act assessments.

    Another reason why I am so scared of the hospital is that I have worked on all the wards I would likely be on if I were admitted and know quite a lot of the staff and quite well. So wouldn't be good for me really. Especially as I am a very private person and keep how I am feeling in etc. No one knows what I feel who I know so the last thing I would want would be people I know reading my vast medical history notes to do with my mental health. Also, if I had to go in to hospital it would mean I would have to re-do the year at uni. And possibly not be able to carry on the course as really you need to be quite mentally stable. So I am managing JUST to hold it together. Mental health is still very stigmatised and I don't want people knowing about it. I feel ashamed of the way that I feel. I keep it to myself.

    At the moment I am having lots of arguments over diagnosis. I am arguing and arguing about it as I feel it is just depression with self harm. The PDoc thinks because I self harm it is personality disorder. I am really against PD anyway and feel that it is often used to pathologise people as quickly as possible. Ok so I meet a couple of traits in a few of them, but then everyone does. We had this thing at uni a few weeks back and was a clinical psychologist who ran the lecture. He said he wanted anyone who didn't meet at least a couple of traits of one of the disorders to raise their hands and no one did. Even he did and the lecturers. So it just really annoys me. I have been over over and over it again. I said fair enough I def meet 2 possibly 3 of the 9 criteria, but you need 5 to be diagnosed with it andf there is no way there are 5. Then the PDoc went on to say how he thinks I have abandonment issues. I just laughed at him. I like being on my own. I have no idea where he got that from. It's comments like that that really piss me off. I said the reason I did it when parents and no one was around was because I had the opportunity not because they weren't there.

    They say they don't think i am depressed and I am feeling chronic feelings of emptyness. What is the difference? I have low mood continuously for days on end, some days worse than others. I don't think I feel empty. But then I don't feel full or I wouldn't be feeling so low. I really don't think I can win with this one. If this is not depression I would like them to tell me what exactly is. And Nurseman said something that really annoyed me last week that has been playing on my mind...he said...I know you..... No you don't. You don't know me, 1) I have not been honest with you and 2) how the hell can you "know" me after meeting with me 4 or so times for 30 minutes at a time. You don't know me. You think you know me as you are grouping me with other people you have seen who have been pathologised too quickly.

    I am not saying there is no such thing as PD's. There are. I have worked with people with PD's for 2 years now and can see that some of them have got a PD. But I feel a lot of the time it is given as a diagnosis to someone who is depressed and self harms.

    So I will never win really will I?
     
  12. DeAdwOrLD

    DeAdwOrLD Well-Known Member

    Have you actually tried to tell whoever is treating you any of this? Don't you think it would help? I've read your post and your blog. It's interesting in a really human way, funny too.

    Hope everything gets better, and you get the degree and job you want. It's really a difficult career you've chosen.
     
  13. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm trying something new wrt to self harm. i usually cut in the same place (left arm, but sometimes legs). anyhow i have written messages to myself in marker on those places. that way when i look at my scars , which i usually do as a prelude to cutting), i get to read these messages instead. at the moment my arm says "it's okay, don't be frightened. you are safe now." it's really helping to read this instead of cutting. it soothes me in teh ways that cutting does. i don't know how long this will last but i wanted to share my latest trick with you. good luck t omorrow.
     
  14. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    I have told peope. I had another discussion today with the PDoc. I started crying which didn't help. I apologised for seeming as though I was very stand offish and saying no to everything he suggested. I told him the reasons why I didn't think was PD, why I didn't want to be labeled with it as of the stigma even within mental health. I said to him along the lines of that yes I am worried about the stigma that goes with it, however, it is not just this for making me believe that it isn't PD. He said I haven't diagnosed you with anything as of yet but felt that PD services could help as they will engage with you even when currently self harming.

    He said he would like me to have psychoanalytic therapy (my thoughts were all very freudian and I will be asked if I have incestual feelings) as would be the best approach. I said I was willing to give it ago, however I would not do anything in a group. I said there were a couple of reasons 1) That I struggle to talk to anyone about anything and in a group there is no way I would be open and 2) In the job I have already done and in my future career I can not risk anything being group based as I am likely to run in to service users I have nursed before, am likely to nurse over the next couple of years or am possibly going to come across in my professional placements, or career.

    I apologised to him for being quite abrupt and saying what I would and would not do as I do not come across as a person who is willing to help themselves. I said I know it must be frustrating to you that you are making these suggestions and I keep knocking them down. But I know myself best. I know that group therapy will not work for me. If I can't be honest with one person who I am talking to how the hell does he expect me to open up in a group. And I know that increasing the dose of the Mirtazapine would mean that I am more unhappy as the increase in my appetite means i put on weight which makes me really unhappy. I want to try combining meds but he said wouldn't do that where we are now and would want to increase Mirtazapine first. He said it's only something look at when looking at admission to hospital as side effects can be worse at first. He said my risks were too high as I have been known to OD on Venaflaxine which is dangerous and can mess up your heart.

    Thanks for reading the blog. I use it as a distraction technique when I want to SH. I also use it formyself to look back on and see what I was feeling. I hope if anyone reads it will see that I am more than just a self harmer and there is more to me. So that's why I do it really. Although it's gone a bit negative at the moment.

    x
     
  15. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I am glad you got to talk openly with your doc and yes you are more then just a person that self harms you have so much to be dealt with and i do hope you continue to move forward in accepting the support you have been given and utilizing every bit of help out there okay. You deserve help and healing and peace
     
  16. GoldenPsych

    GoldenPsych Well-Known Member

    Thanks. I have been referred to a Clinical Psychologist as I wont go to group and they will work with me on an individual basis. It went better today than last week but maybe last week I was being defensive as I felt as I was being ganged upon by crisis team and the pdoc.

    PDoc also said I need to make use of crisis team. He said when I feel the need to SH building I should call them. He said wont be able to start psychanalytic therapy until I am lower risk of suicide and self harm. I said that I struggled as really didn't want to open up to someone over the phone who I didn't know and also I didn't see what they could do except coming round and taking my tools away. I said to him I am stubborn and once I have decided I am going to SH that I wont tell anyone as I don't want anyone to do anything about it. He said I need to learn to recognise when the feelings change from something I want to do to something that may happen before it gets to something that will happen. And, it's when those feelings change that I need to call.

    I really don't think I will be calling them. I have opened up to too many people now and I can't with anyone else. Especially someone over the phone who I can't see and whose reactions I can't gage.
     
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