So many reasons to keep it together

I have got so many reasons to get my shit together. I am selfish.
I tucked my 2 beautiful children in to bed last night and that still did not stop me from thinking about packing up all of my stuff and stepping out on them and my husband.
I think they would be better off without me. I think I hold my husband back from a lot, and that my kids will grow up happy and healthy if I were not in the picture. I am sick, depressed, thinking about suicide. Thinking that I would be doing my husband and my kids a favor by taking my own life now and getting out while they (the kids) are still so young. They would stand a better chance at this cruel world without me complicating things for them.

Because they are not enough?? I have no idea why I can't get my shit together and be there for them like they need me to be. I am just tired of existing at this point. I keep thinking I am ready to do it. I can xxxx this time, but I am just a little hesitant. I am afraid of the outcome. I am uncertain what happens after I take my last breath...

 

I am so sorry for your pain...there are other ways to be there for your children...have you explored professional intervention (therapy, meds, etc.) which might allow you to be more available to them? Also, is there any respite care where you live? Many social services agencies provide care which will allow you to go out and do things for yourself...just my thoughts, and hoping you have a better day...J

 

See, here is my biggest issue. I cannot talk to my husband. If he knew what was going thru my head, he would not deal well with it. He doesn't deal w/ anything. I have to put on this great image for him and everyone else. No one really knows what I am going thru.
I can't even seek out help that is going to take up any of my time. I work a very demanding job were I am relied upon very heavily. I have 2 very small children, I attend school (on-line classes) as you can imagine, I keep up a very busy schedule. I am also a recovering addict. I struggle everyday to remain sober. I have almost 90 days of sobriety right now.
I am mad at myself because I let this depression in and now it has consumed my life. I just wish I had someone who knew how I really felt.

 

I think that sometimes, it is like the steam coming out of the kettle...depression takes over when we have had enough...maybe making your mental health a priority is what is needed now, no matter how busy you are...if you are not well, you cannot do the other things...as I said, maybe some respite would help...also, if it is online schooling, you have some freedom in your schedule...you need to consider taking care of yourself first, before all else spirals out of control...I wish we could 'will' ourselves well, but sometimes that is not the case...and you did not 'let' the depression take over...it is a disease...would you feel the same if you had a cardiac condition?...again, just my thinking...and congrads on your days...that is wonderful!

 

What is it that you think makes depression a disease? A lot of people say the same thing about addiction. I, however, do not think that addiction is a disease. This is just my theory. I know little about depression, except that it is killing me slowly right now.