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SO MANY THINGS please help

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Very confused and need solutions to my problems, I'd appreciate any feedback. I want to be able to enjoy what life I have, but right now that doesn't seem like an option which is why I'm contemplating suicide. I'm an eighteen year old white male.

- I'm agnostic, most of me believes that once you're dead you possess a lack of all thought and you simply rot in an unconscious unaware state. The other part of me says there is a hell and I'm doomed for eternity if I go through with this.

- I don't know how to kill myself. The LAST thing I want is to endure a shitload of pain in a failed suicide attempt and then go through life under constant surveillance in a mental home in some shitty wheelchair with half my neck hanging off. If I had a gun in my possession, I would have already killed myself for sure 100 times. Every other way I think of leave a huge possibility of just really badly injuring myself.

- I've planned to go to film school for the past two years and I'm currently at comm. college and im fucking everything up. Im only taking 12 units and im too fucking pathetic to even pass half my classes, none of which meet more than twice a week. If I can't do that how the fuck do I expect to be a successful film editor, or get through a REAL college? I have no motivation to ever do my work, even the work related to my film classes. I'm a smart guy and know if I did what was asked of me I could get straight A's with no effort. I could've gone to a University straight out of high school if I really felt like it

- I have a tiny dick. I don't see it maturing any time soon and don't want to wait. On top of that, I'm terrible in bed (yes I've had sex, took me a year to show the girl what a pathetic dick I had) and am plagued with pre-mature ejaculation. To add on to that, I'm a very very horny 18 year old who's #1 priority right now is having sex with random girls which Im afraid to do out of humiliation of being rejected, or mocked after a one-minute sexual encounter that was horribly dull. Im considering penis pills/enhancement what-nots but it all seems like a huge scam and just another thing to depress me.

- Im a talented drummer who has wanted to do Drum Corps for the past 3 years, but Im way too afraid to hop in a shower with a bunch of older guys on account of being the laughing stock of the entire corps.

- I havent been able to get in the shape I want despite several attempts over the last 3 years, it's pathetic how I cant commit to ANYTHING, no matter how easy which to me shows how I should just give up completely.

On the outside I seem like a perfectly normal person. I fucking WON HOMECOMING KING less than a year ago, had a pretty girlfriend for two years that I dumped, and not the other way around so I have no depression over that. I have plenty of GREAT friends who I spend lots of time with, more than I have in years upon years, I love my entire family A LOT A LOT, I have a lot of talents (drumming, film editing especially) that I could excel at if I chose to. I'm fairly good looking I say (6'1 160 lbs.) and have the ability to attract most girls I want, have a job that I like, have more money than I need or even really want for that matter, noone I know would ever want me to commit suicide.

I just seems like a great escape to all my problems. My tiny dick will never go away and Ill be a failure at sex for as long as I live. This semester of college was a total waste and I cant see how I could possibly recover, nor do I have the desire to do my work, especially at this point in my life where I see myself dead within a week. I have no desire to do anything productive it seems. I dont see my future career as a film editor going anywhere.

I cant take the stress and EVERYTHING going on in my life. I see my future being just as miserable and I've reached a stump in my life where its all downhill from here, and its already shit. All these things seems so simple and easy to deal with for everyone else, but its so hard for me which is why I feel like I'm not cut out for living, and don't deserve what I'm given. It'd be SO easy to just end it and never ever worry about anything, no sadness, and the happiness I wouldnt miss cause Id have no though at all hopefully.

Im afraid of the unknown in death, or else Id be gone by now. I also would feel really bad for my mom who'd have to deal with this all. I have all the advantages and priveleges a guy could ask for and I would blow them all away in a second. What the hell is wrong what am I missing in my fulfillment of life? Why does everyone else like it so much and why go through with it when I could just die and not worry about a single thing the SPLIT SECOND AFTER.

If you read all this, I really appreciate that and would eternally appreciate feedback. Thank you.
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Hey I am right there with you in school. I work my ass off and barely manage to get Cs and half of those are me making deals with my profs. I am lucky to be graduating. I put in just as much time as all the other students around me, if not more. And yet I only get Cs it is very fucking depressing.

As for the penis issue well I wish my penis was small, not that it is large I think it is just below average.... uhhh anyway that is something we can discuss in a PM session if you want. I have reasons for not wanting intercourse and for wanting a tiny penis... but that is not for open discussion... PMs though. Anyway, if all you want is sex then just have it and not give a fuck about the partner be a selfish prick say it was good for you and that is all that matters. Or take a random trip somewhere far away give off a fake name and do the sex there. Either way it is up to you.

I find that most of us crumble under stress, some thrive but they are few. You just need to stop and relax everyonce in a while. Stop thinking about what is causing you stress and do something you enjoy.

As far as the drum corps, which corp do you want to join, just out of curiosity I love DCI I wish I could watch more? While I have seen the living conditions of most corps I don't think that group bathing is one of them these days. And even if they are do what I do whenever I have to shower. Take your shower when you know no one will be there.. so late night early morning.

When it comes to getting in shape commitment is key unfortunately. But there are many ways to do so. If you are looking to lose weight eat less. My uncle lost about... 80 lbs, I think somewhere between 60 and 80 lbs. Just by eating 1/2 of what he normally ate... well and skiing but he still lost the weight. There are tons of ways to exercise. Me I like to go on multi-mile hikes or bike rides sometimes. Or I go backpacking, 2 or 3 day treks. I play DDR, I get up and walk the simple stuff is what matters. Hell masturbation is a method you can use. Really you only need about 30 min of vigorous activity to keep in shape. I cannot teach you commitment. Really the only way you can get commitment is to have a friend be your prod.

I don't know if I have helped I am just saying what came to my mind.


Well-Known Member
Mandarins Drum Corps, mediocre corps but very local to me and I have a lot of friends doing it.
Oh cool local is the way to go. The only Corp near me is the Blue Knights and I am not even sure how close to me they are. Oh well I have been out of the game for too long so it would be hard to get back in the swing of things.... not to mention I am too old.

Maybe you should just play in a regular symphony band no? That is what I do.
You shouldn't feel as you do about the size of yourself. You've had a girlfriend, you have lots of friends, and you won homecoming king!

And as for joining the corps, do it! If it's something you want to try, try it! And you shouldn't worry about them laughing at you... I don't think many people would make fun of you, for the simple fact that if they did, they would acknowledge looking at your penis, and most men wouldn't admit to that.

You also shouldn't let the size of your penis affect you in sex. If you suffer from premature ejaculation, there are methods to prevent that, and other things you can do...

If you want to talk, I'll send you a pm,

Take care, :hug:

One Who Listens..
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