so many worries and so much pain

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by among the stars, Jan 20, 2011.

  1. among the stars

    among the stars Well-Known Member

    I really dunno what to say, life has been bad on a personal/emotional level so bad that i wont talk about it nor am i able to do anything about it. My worry level is thru the roof for my grandma...things are not going exactly to plan. She had more bleeding during and after the surgery than they initially thought. Also she will be having chemo pills and as well as radiation...they keep saying it just precautionary but i no longer believe that. If it were just a precaution..why would they be making such a big deal of it? What are my grandparents and especially my Grammie not telling me? They cannot make the excuse that im not old enough...they tried that when mom was sick...i was old enough then and im old enough now to know whats really going on. Im a mess as it is, i dunno what would happen if....

    Each day I want to end it cuz i know i cant take much more, i kno the more i worry the worse off i will be but i cannot help it. I dont really sleep anymore and when i do all i ever have are nightmares. Crazy, disturbing, violent nightmares and no matter what i do they never stop. So much I would like to walk out the door and say im done i cant take it anymore but i cant, i never will be able to. It would shatter my family's (grammie especially) already broken heart and I cant do that to them. I'd rather stay and suffer in silence and yet in staying, i kill myself a lil everyday. My spirit and my soul cries out for someone to care, for someone to hear and understand but i know no one ever will.

    As i sit here typing this, i listen to my immortal by evanescence over and over and over again. It was the first song i heard that actually spoke for me, i heard it a few days before my mother passed away. As the years went by the song became an escape for me, traveling back in my mind to trips to the ocean and laughter and love. Her smile that lit up a room, her laugh that could you up no matter how down you were, and her hugs...hugs that filled your body with love and compassion. I have very fond memories of my mother but also some very bad ones from the weeks before her death that i will never be able to forget, they have been burned into my memory forever. I listen to this song over and over until my wall comes down and i let a lil of that burning pain out but soon i harm and tell my mind and my heart to shut up, it is the only way.

    Looking at all of this i realize i have said too much, but this is now my only source of support and i know i cant survive keeping it to myself.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    It is so good that you did express sounds like you have experienced such deep losses that it is no wonder you worry so much about your grandma...I do hope she will be OK and that you continue to post how you are doing so that we can be there for you...big hugs and wish I could give you one in RL, but my cyber hugs are all I can do...J