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So much anxiety

Licorice

Well-Known Member
#1
I was suffering from suicidal ideation, but that has been replaced by compulsive catastrophic worrying of the most absurd kind. Viewed objectively, my life is pretty solid: I live in a safe country, I own my own home, I have a good job and some financial resources - not riches, but I'll be able to eke along. One of my adult sons is starting university again after dropping out from anxiety five years ago; the other one is starting grad school and has a lovely girlfriend who has managed to get herself on an excellent management training course with a famous company.

But all I can think about is, what if everything goes wrong? What if she breaks his heart? What if my son and his girlfriend marry and then have a relationship breakdown and get divorced? What if they have a child and they get divorced and she gets custody and he never sees his child again? What if he has an affair and screws up this great thing he's got going with her? What if one of my sons gets cancer? What if they both get cancer? What if he's out riding his bike and a bolt of lighting hits him out of the blue? Sounds ridiculous but it's happened.

Basically I'm worrying obsessively, compulsively, about things that are utterly beyond my control. Yet somehow in the back of mind there's the idea that if only I think hard enough, if only I spend enough time scheming and planning and arranging, I can prevent these bad things from happening.

And that's insane.

Since the suicidal ideation has ebbed I've been able to go back to regarding death as something in the more distant future, the final pleasant release from all the worries and responsbilities of this world. But recently I've started entertaining a new compulsive worry. What if this life isn't the end? What if there's an afterlife? What if this consciousness of mine has to go on and on ad infinitum? What if there's no escape? God I feel like screaming.

Why can't I just chill and enjoy the here and now?
 

Shade.

Well-Known Member
#2
I can relate so much to this. Especially how, if I worry and plan for all possible bad scenarios I can be prepared. It just drives me crazy. *hug
 
#5
Sounds so like GAD (Generalised Anxiety Disorder). Are you seeing a professional? Or, are you considering it? They may very well be able to help you get on top of this, with medication and/or CBT. Good luck to you!
 

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