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So much has changed..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Hanging_Hope, Nov 2, 2009.

  1. Hanging_Hope

    Hanging_Hope Active Member

    So much has changed since the last time I logged into here. It's not that I stopped being depressed or anything of that sort, but I just didn't feel up to logging in.

    The last thread I made here was about the possibility of me having cancer. I got the results, and for more than a month now I'm forced to live with the reality of me having lung cancer. It's not as difficult as I would have thought it would be about 7 years ago, when there was no sign of depression within me.

    I've started my treatement, even though I'm pretty sure that things will probably go wrong again and I won't make it after all. Really, it doesn't matter. I have neutral feelings when it comes to it. I don't feel sad because of it. No, my depression comes from elsewhere. It's something I got used to, long ago.

    It's funny, because, ever since the day I learned that I'm sick, my life started changing rapidly as I thought it never would. I got back to the UK from Japan. I applied for another university, where I might get accepted. I got my first boyfriend, I met him through an old friend of mine. He showed an interest in me, and I admit I responded mostly because I felt the need to just be with someone for once in my life. We have been together for a month, and, well, it isn't exactly like I had expected it to be. I can't say I'm in love, I'm just..Well, I don't know. Maybe it was a mistake after all. I just don't know. And he doesn't know that I'm this sick either. Not many people know after all.

    And I'm just...Even though life is a bit better now, I'm still this way. And I hate it. Because I know I should at least be greatful for what I have now, and stop complaining already. It could be worse, it really could be worse..
  2. Chargette

    Chargette Well-Known Member

  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope your treatment goes well and you are able to enjoy this new life you have. I hope dr have you on something for your depression and fatigue. There is medicine that can give you energy while you are getting treatment for the cancer. There is always hope and i do understand the mood you are in right now like euphoria state no saddness just a weird calmness.