I have so much hate running through me It is burning me out. I feel jeasousy too easily. I cry too often and over everything. I honestly want to die- yet If I could be happy, truely happy I'd want to live. I know I'll never be happy, why am I staying around? Why? because of my fucking family. I love them for not leaving me..for seeming to care. Yet I hate them for keeping me here. this guilt has been like a weight in my chest and I can't breathe anymore. I just don't want to keep going. I'm no more depressed than I have been, but I feel like i've been in a low for a long time. not my worst or anything, not a crash just very very low. I've been able to still do jokes, and have some happiness when I found my foster pup his new home. I can still make everyone laugh but I am hurting badly on the inside. I think part of it is I am sick, not really sleeping and before being sick I haven't been able to stop having thoughts (all thoughts about everything) and sleep without pills. It's too much. If I have to be here, I just want to be numb.