So much pain, can't cope anymore.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AngelsWings, May 12, 2011.

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  1. AngelsWings

    AngelsWings New Member

    Hi. I'm new here and this is my first post. I read the guidelines, and I hope I am posting in the right area.

    I am sitting at my laptop reading helpful things on the board when I read this:

    “Suicide is not chosen; it happens
    when pain exceeds
    resources for coping with pain.”

    That is so true. And, I never looked at it like that. I always felt defective and weak for my feelings. My life has been a box of shattered glass most of the time...but still my family, when they were around looked at me as broken...not under the pain of my situation...but below-par or sub-average as a moral/emotional person. outside looks ok. I'm 34, married, with two great boys, we live in a nice house, in a pretty nice area of town, I drive a shiny SUV, am well-read, intelligent, and ...on the inside I can't function. I'm sitting here, hiding behind my laptop, so my 4-year-old can't see the tears streaming down my face, uncontrollably.

    See, on the inside...I'm just a girl, lost, alone, and scared. My husband has a severe crack addiction that I have to "manage" as best I can, by covering for him to our boys, handling a pre-schooler and a 6-month-old, locking down the house, drying all the tears, disctracting them, on the almost weekly schedule of my husband's dissapearances. Then dealing with having to do without while paying back drug dealers for cars, a wedding ring, etc. etc. etc. All the down time while daddy is passed out after a 2-day runner. All the quiet time...when I can't talk to him and I can't talk my kids, because I want then to go as long as possible without knowing the truth.

    On the inside...
    I'm an orphan. My parents are dead. My sister is in a constant vegetative state from an overdose.

    I'm isolated. My best friend in the world had a crush on me I never even knew, until I got pregnant...and she tried to kill my dog and called businesses with my ss number and stole my identity and sent the police over and tried to get me to abort my child. Since, then, I don't really connect well with others.

    I'm a rape survivor. Gang rape. 4 guys holding me down. I still remember their names.

    I'm a child of abuse. My mother was sentenced to 14 years in prison for abusing a member of our household. That effectively knocked out my mom and then my dad was left with me...and couldn't deal. He sunk into a depression he never came out of, and I raised myself.

    There's so much pain.

    So many memories, I wish I never had.
    So much to face in the present that I can't change no matter how desperately I try.
    A future I can only cry about for myself...and my sons. What have I done? What kind of future will they have??

    In all this, I am a Christian. I should have the power of God in my life and I should reach out more and stop worrying about myself...but it just hurts so badly, everyday, day in and day out. I can't pull out of this painful feeling. Not sure how this will help, but I felt like I needed to get it out.

  2. Evanescence

    Evanescence Member

    Do you have a single person to turn to at all or is this it?

    And I have to say this: you've lived my worst fear of being raped. It's never happened to me, but if it did, I would likely turn into some kind of sadistic killer so you're already ten times stronger than I am-and to still have faith in God. That's impressive. You're not a coward like you believe. I don't know you, but it seems to me like you have more strength in you than you realize.

    All I can say about your situation is to evaluate the people in your life, and decide if they are good enough to be around your kids.
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Angel, I'm so sorry that you have been through so much pain. It's not fair.

    You've been incredibly strong though to survive what you have. I hope that you can get some therapy and support to help you to heal from the traumas of your past

    I think that the situation that you are dealing with with your husband would be difficult for anyone

    this might help
    National Domestic Violence Hotline
    24 hour hotline phone: 800.799.SAFE (800.799.7233)
    who they help: victims, survivors, family, parents, friends, offenders, community leaders. A resource to anyone who may have concerns about relationship being unhealthy or abusive, and it does not matter whether they are dating or married, living together or not.

    I don't think it's the case that you should stop worrying about yourself. I think that you need some love and healing and support, it's ok for you to worry about taking care of yourself, and I think that that would be the best thing for you. I think that if you are concerned about others, the best thing that you can do for them is to take care of yourself first

    please keep talking to us here if it helps!

    I hope that things can get better for you soon!

    :hug: :hug: :hug:

    :console: :console:
  4. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Angel is an appropriate name you have chosen, and your children are so lucky to have you.

    That said, you do need help with your depression and you do not say whether you are getting help.

    Your husband, he either needs to get help or I would seriously think about divorce proceedings. There are groups which could help with this - perhaps your church has something although divorce is not their forte.

    A doctor would help and you really need help in coping, not just with the current crisis but perhaps all this hurt you have so bravely held in for the sake of the family.

    Crack is an addiction which could take EVERYTHING, even your home, so you need to think about you and the kids. A woman will do this naturally, but with depression it becomes just another 'insurmountable' problem.

    Depression makes us think all our problems are like a mountain we can never climb. We become weighed down - literally, like your walking with extra added weight. Meds can help, therapy, sometimes life altering decisions also once our minds can work again.

    Please get some help - your a wonderful mum and as a wife I think your have done MORE than enough to help this man. Trouble is, he should be helping you and helping to carry the load a little. He either needs to change or you need to think about whether life without him might be better for you and your children.

    I wish you all the luck in the world and will say a special prayer for you - hoping the light that shines will shine on you also and guide you and give you the strength to overcome this horrible illness.

    Help is there - as a Christian, you know that its OK to ask for help when we are down. We can ask God, but we can also ask our doctors, as God in his infinite wisdom gives many of the answers we needs to other people.

    Keep the faith.
  5. Wanteddead

    Wanteddead Account Closed

    Hello Angel, I'm sorry you're going through a hard time, and I'm glad you found this forum. I must say given all that you've been through in life and your current circumstances, it's very understandable for you to be having a hard time coping.

    Without a doubt there is almost always more then meets the eye.

    Crack addiction is horrible you should look into treatment or something like that for him, if you can get your husband cleaned up it will be sure to make things better. I understand crack addiction is very powerful, one can easily blow their life savings on it. I'm guessing he is the bread winner which would make quite complicated if he were to go to treatment.

    You're past sounds quite traumatic I can only try to imagine what it would be like being an orphan, as well as some other bad things that happened which you didn't deserve.

    Having no friends can be hard and being isolated is hard I've been doing it for years, I kind of had one friend and he was far from a true caring friend he was at the club a couple year ago the night I got invited out only to be taken to a secluded location and toyed with in a sadistic manner(I ended up with broken bones).

    I wish I had some good suggestions for you to reach out and meet some new people. Feeling isolated, misunderstood and unwanted is terrible especially when you're just barely coping. You could consider going out to the park with other parents arrange play dates, maybe take your kids swimming or for swimming lessons.

    I can tell you're a fighter to make it through all that's gone on in your life. You need to keep on trucking not only for yourself but for sons. You sound like a caring compassionate lady who has had to deal with more then her share of problems.

    Best of luck I'm wishing you future happiness.
  6. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    I agree with Peacelovingguy, You need to decide if it is in your best interest to stay with your husband..Crack is one of the most addictive drugs out there..Theres a saying( once a crackhead always a crackhead ).. It's not easy to kick it and stay clean..I lived with my cousin for a while and he was a crackhead.. He would wait until I was asleep and steal my car to go buy crack..He tore my exhaust off it one night running from the cops..I think therapy would help you sort some of this out..Your a brave woman and deserve so much more..Take Care and keep posting here..
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