so much pain... what am I even doing?

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by KittyGirl, Feb 18, 2010.

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  1. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    I've been doing so well lately- not throwing up.
    I've been eating regularly and keeping everything down.

    I couldn't sleep tonight though.
    I kept thinking about how much weight I must be gaining and how ugly I am and how much I fucking hate myself.
    ...ended up in the bathroom for 3 hours early thismorning- head in the toilet.
    My whole body aches now
    I just want to die and get it over with.
    I hate myself so much. even f I did like myself somehow- the person who I care most about doesn't like me anymore. It wouldn't matter how fantastic I looked- he's over me. sick of me.
    I am too. I'm so sick of myself and how much of a giant fail I am.

    My tongue is burning and I feel so weak
    I don't want to tell anyone.
    I just wanna fade away quietly. how much longer do I have to live through this pain?
    I'm not going to bother eating anymore. Just water.

    Hopefully no one heard me. -____-

    Can this pain really be stopped?
    -this gut wrenching feeling I feel all the time- the hatred I feel for myself and my image- the stress I feel every day even if I'm never in public...
    Everyone expects me to be okay. I've got to look decent- I've go to smile.
    I can't fucking do it anymore.
    I can't even fake it.

    I guess I wanted to know... has anyone truly recovered from their ED? honestly?
  2. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    i wanted to reply with ' oh sweetie' but, i appreciate you might not like being called that. but, it means i feel for you so much.

    yes. i'm recovered, i didn't consciously do it but it took me a good two years after i was left with no help and i couldn't walk/breathe properly.

    i hear your pain. if i could, i'd take it all away for you

    you sound like you're in deep hell.

    you talk about "he's over me"

    who is "he", has someone left you or treated you like shit and you feel worthless? you're separate from him, and there might be a time when all this anger, instead of being directed at yourself, will be directed to HIM.

    in practical terms are you getting bloodtests and your physical health - is that being checked?
    do you see a therapist?
  3. nos nomed

    nos nomed Well-Known Member

    "He" if I recall correctly was a boy kitty was seeing a few months back who left her. I am sorry to hear that it still hurts you so much and you have developed an eating disorder(ED is actually an acronym for erectile dysfunction so I don't use it). I am glad you didn't carry out the act of killing yourself when you posted in the crisis forum. From what I've read of your post you seem to be a very sweet and caring person. It is hard to move on took me 5 months to decide that I was done wasting time crying over my ex. However you have to realize that its better to learn early the two of you didn't work than wait till you get married and have kids to only learn he doesn't want you.

    The best advice I can give is get up and do something. Sitting around doing nothing only leads to thinking which only leads to more depression. Find some things that you can enjoy and have fun with make yourself into someone you can love then when you love yourself you will find relationships come much easier.

    As for the eating disorder sounds like you know how to control it yourself. It's not easy but it takes mental effort which you are putting in and just like drug addictions you will have moments of weakness and possible relapses. If you want to lose weight you should know in your mind throwing up food is not the way to achieve your goal healthy food in moderate portions is the only long term solution to weight issues.

    Realize beauty exists in you and the person you want to be with is the person who can see that and not some jackass who values women solely on how much attention and noteriety he gets for the girl on his arm.
  4. savetoniqht

    savetoniqht Well-Known Member

    I feel the same way so much of the time. I've been trying to recover for so long, and it seems like every time I make progress I end up backtracking and not being successful. I honestly don't know what to do sometimes, but I try and remember that people DO recover. Even if it seems impossible, I just try and remember that it IS possible. Every day you work at it you get stronger. I know how hopeless everything feels, trust me I understand, but I honestly think that someday you can beat it. Are you in any treatment or anything? If you ever need to talk feel free to PM me.
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