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so much pain

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Azul, Oct 14, 2007.

  1. Azul

    Azul Well-Known Member

    I am in so much emotional pain, I feel like I'm stuck. Death would be such a great relief but I can't leave my mother, brother and sister with so much grief.
    I just can't seem to live. I feel bad constantly except sometimes when I'm studying, really concentrating on something, or take huge amounts of drugs.
    no replies needed, i just wanted to say this.
    I really am desperate. Tonight I'll throw two dice and if it's two threes I'll do it.
    I pray to God but the sky is empty, as Sylvia Plath wrote.
  2. twilightki

    twilightki Well-Known Member

    I'm glad everyday that the sky is empty. I wouldn't want someone controlling and watching every aspect of my life. Even if it means I will be saved. I'd rather take a leap in the dark than believe in something I know to be false just to give me strength.

    Why do you feel bad? Studying is a good outlet, but loading up on drugs is harming your body. Not only will it kill you in the long run, it also affects you in the short term too. You become reliant on them. Don't let your strength come from a substance.
  3. Azul

    Azul Well-Known Member

    I don't know why I believe in God, I just do. But I respect your attitude. Believing in God changes nothing, I don't believe in a God of love. Maybe it's a sort of schizophrenia. A very widespread form, nevertheless.
    I know what you mean by leap in the dark, but I can't deal with that. I want hope, and structure.

    You see, i don't care if I die that's why i smoke and do drugs.
    Maybe I don't have such a valid reason to feel as bad as I do. I have hearing problems, but I have learned to live with it, in a way. I guess my despair is rooted in desires that can't be fulfilled, in perpetual and seemingly unending love for someone who doesn't love me back. These feelings can be very intense.
    thanks for listening. it does feel good to get a reply.