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So much pain

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by DamageX10, Jun 5, 2008.

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  1. DamageX10

    DamageX10 Guest

    Hey guys

    I have one last chance this Sept to make friends or else...well I don't want to think what happen if that not the case. If all things go according to plan, I should have a lot of female friends next year and a very slim chance of a gf, but with that come the party scene and eating in front of girls.

    These are perhaps the two things I fear most. I have only party once in my entire life which is pathetic but I did enjoy it. I was really stiff in my dancing with a hot girl, and I should be more relaxing. After overcoming my social anxiety, I will be able to be relax a little more, not sure how much it would come into play. The party scene, it always cross my mind once a day. For a person who just overcame SA, the party scene is my worst nightmare. If it a sex orgy etc... party it gonna be worst for me, because I am still a virgin and it is like a taboo for me, because my parents are against I do, including finding a gf. Since I'm Asian, this is pretty much what my life is like with my parents http://bitterasianmen.com/parents.html

    So you can expect that I am entering unknown ground and I finally overcame the guiltiness that my parents have caused in me, so that a first step.

    I'm really down right now, I just want to say two quick thing is that it gonna be very to hard for me to bare this hellish college like high school years that once again I don't have any friend, and that will I be able to enjoy my life with the freshman since I have more work as a sophomore and less time, and also people say that freshman year is the best year of college and I don't know if that is possible to be a sophomore and still relive what I miss off my freshman year.

    Other that, the longer I am away from Sept the more paranoid I get. For example, I feel used up that maybe this year there were more nicer people than you know the freshman that will come this sept. Little like thing that is killing me inside. I am trying to make this thread the least depressing as I can, so it quite hard to express myself.

    The pressure is on more for me because I can't smile, so if I wanted to get notice by girls I have to approach them, and talk to them. That is the only way I can show interested in them and let them get to know my personality which is ridiculously hard because I can't smile. You can say life is unfair, people with SA are so unlucky such as myself, but then life is even worst for me, preventing me the ability to smile and the lack of it esp in front of a stage or something funny, and seeing I can't smile it devastating.

    I mean word can't describe how I feel. Being able to smile must be godsend to al l of yous out there. I have no idea what that feeling is like, where people find you approachable, rather than being snuck up or weird, because until I get some form of surgery, I will not be able to experience the joy of smiling, of life itself, and like I said word can't describe how I feel. For example, I could write about my life you know in 40 pages and it still wouldn't describe how I feel, the emotion I am going through, what is tearing inside, how many times I cry at night holding my comforter pretending that it a girl that I could hold on forever. So I'll just leave it at this because the truth is it not possible describe my life my pain, the suffering and certain that trumatize me, my high school year, umm pretty much it just amazing how much crap I go through in life.

    If you haven't notice the last few paragraph were from my heart, I type it as if I was talking to you because I feel that even though this thread isn't depressing as it should it, I am still in extreme pain, as I sleep using sleeping pill whenever I can.

    And you know waiting for this summer the only I can do to pass the time is play my xbox 360, and pretty much that about it. It not like family has change, so therefore it going to be a horrible summer. I just hope and wish upon a star that thing will change, because I am just hurting inside for so long now that it seem my life is a constant struggle and worry which is not what a child life should be much less an adult and from the article I hope you guys care enough to read it is how a small generalization of how my parent are, because everything in that article is true, but for my parents it is so much worst. So pray for me, I should post up a picture of myself soon, and my biggest enemy is time, and god knows what my future if there is one going to be like.
  2. Summer.Rain

    Summer.Rain Well-Known Member

    Hi there

    Well first of all, excuse me for my "far from ideal" English.

    Now about sex, look like it is a big issue for you.
    You never done it before, well i must tell you few things about it:
    First of all about 70% of all guys who heaving sex for the first time, fail.
    That right, thay fail becouse usally that are to scared and worry
    too much about it, So your pennis wount work as it should.. Trust me on that one...
    And as long as you know it, i hope you will use this knowlage to avoid embarsmant.
    Dont rush with it.
    Now maybe you dont know but girls are really complicated people...
    But dont worry about get knowing them, it is simple and you dont have to
    smile to do so... Just find a girl that you feel like she is ready to meet you
    usally by guts fealing, walk to her, ask whats her name, tell her something nice
    and invite her to a movie or something like that.
    Usally it works...
    If she will find you "good" enough, she will say yes...
    And again, dont rush with sex, normal girls dont like it, only sluts do
    and you dont want a slut as your g\f.

    Now about partys, i know from my own expiriance that most of guys
    age 18 to 25 finding it hard to be relaxed, alchohol help alot, and most
    girls usally know that we will talk to them only if we are drunk...
    Yes.. most of as are shy even of we dont show it...

    And abut freands, well that is the hard part
    freands are people with similar interests, you like xbox? that is a start
    for example i own a PS3 so we are both gamers and we have things
    to talk about, so we can be freands.
    In collage it is the same.

    Dont worry too much about anything
    just focus on your own image, be a gamer (or whatever), tell people about it
    find yourself a nice band (music), most girls like music, and you can always
    talk with them about it.

    Hope i helped
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