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So Much Pressure

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Forest124, Sep 9, 2016.

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  1. Forest124

    Forest124 Member

    My mom reached the point where she just doesn't care about herself. She decides not to go to the doctor to check up on her heart (since she's always under stress and her heart began hurting), with her reasoning being that she has to continue taking care of her family. I've told her thousands of times and even argued with her that she doesn't need to always watch over me all the time, because I'm 20 years old. I can do my own shopping, I can eat healthy and properly on my own, I can keep myself hydrated, I'm responsible with my classes and with work, and she just ignores all of those facts. After my whole family's been exposed to my abusive, careless, and especially worthless father, her mind got corrupted and now she thinks she's not worth anything. She actually wants to continue to take care of me, my sister, and unfortunately my father, until she dies. I don't know who to go to this because everyone keeps telling me that it's a family issue and that only I have the power to control it.

    My father, sister, and mother all don't listen to me. They're driving themselves to a slow and painful death, and I can't do anything about it. I also don't want to grab their shoulders and shake them out of their insanity because that's only going to make them angry, but the fact that they're doing this already makes me angry. Do I call the cops or something? I don't know what to do, I really don't. My mom is busy 24/7 with so many things like going to her classes, driving my awful father to the hospital for chemotherapy, shopping, getting gas, paying her car payments, and a few other things that I can't think of at the moment. She has NO time for anything. It's almost as if she preoccupied herself with so many things just so no one can help her. A tiny part of me feels like she's been exposed to so much abuse that something's not right in her head, and I don't mean that as an insult. She avoids help from me because she doesn't want me to worry, and purposely tries to avoid it.

    I'd also like to note that she's the only person I care about in this world. I hate my sister and father in so many different ways, and honestly feel like my mom would be normal again if they both weren't in her life. Right now I've ceased doing the huge amount of homework I have, stopped listening to music, basically took everything off my mind and am now 100% dead-on focused with this problem that I CANNOT solve on my own. I need help, I need advice, I don't know who to go to. I don't know who to report this to. I don't know if the cops can do anything. I don't even know if this can be helped, if something like this is truly something only I can do. Specially after several years of this nonsense (yes, she's felt like this for a couple years now, and during that entire time I've been trying to seek help from outside sources but nobody seems to give a damn). She literally said to me that she won't create an appointment with her doctor and just keeps saying "I'm fine", when she's really not.

    Actually, I'm 100% sure that she's scared of my sister and father. I don't know if I should go in-depth with this since this will take me a couple hours to piece together. There's a laundry list of reasons I can come up with that will explain how my mom is scared of both my sister and my father. I don't even think it's worth talking about at this point. I don't care about them, right now I'm worried for my mother and really do not know where to go from here. It's like she purposely took every single possible route and option from me to try and help her, and left me stranded somewhere where I should just go on in life and not care about her when she passes away. That is 100% not the case, and she fails to see that. That doesn't mean that she doesn't care about me, though. But for some reason she doesn't expect anything from me. My grades are pretty damn good, I have a well-paying job, I'm in a chemistry research group at my university, and things are going great. Except for me having to worry about something like this, that could be so easily prevented if she just realized that she's not caring about herself enough.

    Everytime I bring that up, she tries to change the subject, almost as if she doesn't want me to discuss it at all because she thinks it'll lead nowhere. Which it usually does because like I said, she doesn't care about herself enough and constantly changes the subject. She's also afraid to make an appointment because she thinks she'll miss the appointment due to having to tend to some other task (like driving somewhere). What do I do? I really have no idea what to do at this point.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I don't think you can really do much if your mom is refusing to get herself help. Keeping herself busy may be a coping strategy. What about going to a doctor or counsellor to get yourself some help?
  3. Forest124

    Forest124 Member

    I really don't think her trying to keep herself busy like that is actually helping her, seeing as she was actively trying to avoid going to the doctor for ridiculous reasons. Because at that point, she's advancing her death if she doesn't want to make sure if she truly is fine or not. As for me? I tried all of those things countless amount of times, and nobody really told me anything helpful. The psychiatrist I was speaking to a little while back just said "okay" after everything I said, and followed it up by a generic "method" to cope with stress, which never once worked in my life.
  4. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    You are trying to find a solution, to where there is no solution. I know you love your mother. I know you want to help your mother. But you can not control your mother. The only person you can control is yourself.

    It is obvious that this situation is really stressing you out. I have found exercising is the best method for me, when I am stressed out. If exercising is not your cup of tea, maybe you should google stress coping mechanisms.

    Your mother is obviously an adult and is lucid. So no outside agency could step in, and take control, like you want to see happen.

    Does your mother have any siblings? Maybe, she would listen to them. It is obvious she is not going to listen to you. She is doing what she think is best. I know you do not agree with it, but it is something you can do nothing about it.

    If it becomes too unbearable , maybe you should find somewhere else to live.
  5. Frances M

    Frances M Mountain Woman

    Speaking from experience...my boyfriend is emotionally abusive to me. I'm very forgiving and tolerant. Like your mother, I try to keep as busy as possible and detach from the problems because I simply cannot emotionally cope with knowing someone who claims to love me can treat me that way. My situation is different, I am choosing to be tolerant only for the next 6 months, then a big decision will be made. But I can understand why she doesn't want to "burden" you with what she sees as a problem that probably won't end. If your father and sister are causing her fear, then it seems she's accepted it. It's sad because I know how low a person can feel and how self-esteem washes away to nothing where you're at the point where you kind of believe all the abusive accusations and feel you deserve what you're getting. Taking care of her family, despite how she may mentally and physically feel, is a way of making herself feel important.

    I know you don't agree with that at all, and it's great that you care so much. But this is a decision she has to make herself. I think that you shouldn't give up though, keep talking to her, trying to get her to open up...but really just offer her support and love and gratitude. Sometimes people just need that from you, not to be fixed. Hope my experience helped you a little. xx
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