So much pressure...

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ordep, Oct 25, 2009.

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  1. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I'm stressed...
    I have an exam (college, microeconomics: HELL) tomorrow morning. It's one of the hardest subjects of the course, and I'm having a hell of a time with it...

    I'm phisically tired...
    I haven't slept a good unworried night in a week, I have so much work... sleeping seems like a sin, like I'm burning precious time.

    I'm lonely...
    Haven't talked to anyone outside SF for 2 weeks now, except my parents

    I'm mentally exaushted...
    I can't stand to focus on this blasted pdf files and yet I have so many left to review.

    I'm fearful...
    I can't fail anymore classes or I'm out of college, it'll be the end of the very last thing I still had in my life. And all of that rests in an insane exam...

    I'm desperate...
    I've been losing everything I had from last year to now. If I fail any of the 3 exams I'll take, I'll come full circle by being left with nothing at all... not even what little seft esteem I have left.

    I'm suicidal...
    If I'm forced to leave college that's it for me. Even if I find myself a no end job, what's the worth? If I don't have anything going on for me, why should I live for a job that I'll hate? If any of these exams goes the long way, that's it for me...

    I'll even get a week off after the exams so I can plan everything without having to worry about anything else, I'm guessing God manipulated the "random" placings of the exams so I have them all on the first week, leaving the second free for me to wrap things up... He does have a sense of humor.

    How did it come to this? I'm putting my life on the result of one of the hardest tests I'll ever make... I know how, I left myself go down when I could not, now it might just be too late to get back up...

    Tomorrow I'm not just fighting for a diploma, for my self-worth, for my dream. I'm fighting for my life, and the odds are so against me...

    I blew it...
  2. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Wow! I don't get it. I don't get how you are so prepared to end your life because you may fail your exams. It does not mean to say you wont have a future just because it may change direction. We are so spoiled in this country, you need to regard yourself lucky that you are even able to get an education. In some countries you cannot, in addition to praying they get to eat some rice that day while their bodies are riddled with Aids or Malaria. You take your life and what you have for granted.
  3. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    You obviously aren't aware of the rest... and I don't have time to explain it right now... maybe it was a mistake to post this...

    Suffice to say, college is my very last line of defense, and it's not looking good.

    People like so much to thow in the poor countries argument they don't realize how flawed it is. It's not having nothing that hurts. What hurts is having something and losing it. If you never knew confort, you can't be sad for not having it. People don't feel quite as sad in those countries because they know well enough that their misery could not be helped, that they did their best. I dealt with some of the poorest people in Portugal, I know what I'm talking about...
    Last edited by a moderator: Oct 25, 2009
  4. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Pedro, you didn't blow it, I'm sorry you feel that way, but it's not unusual since you're under so much pressure. First of all I'd suggest you to log out of forum, turn to your books or computer or whatever you need for that exam tomorrow.It's 8 pm there now, right? So you have time to prepare for tomorrow, make a lot of coffee and study, after exam tomorrow sleep as much as you need. For the time being try not to think about anything else but focus on that exam. And know that whatever happens tomorow there is always a way to deal with problems, nothing is hopleless. However the exam ends you will be able to adjust to the situation, but don't think about the possibilities now, because of all this stress you cannot see any. Deal with the exam today and all the other things after it. Thinking about what you can or can't do, what will or won't be, cannot help you with studying, so please put your focus today on the exam and nothing else, take one thing at the time.
  5. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    That's what I have to do for sure... and what I've been trying to do for the whole day, well the end result can be seen all over the cofee house part of the forum...

    I blew it when I threw myself into deep depression a year ago and failed classes I should have passed easily. Now that I'm getting to the hard ones I'm out of "lives".

    Yeah, I'm gonna do one more push through the night, see if I can at least raise my confidence alittle bit. As it is I'm feeling more like dropping the towel...

    The funny part is that after the exam tomorrow I still can't rest because (un)luck would have it, the random exam plancings put another exam on Tuesday... Go me.... maybe I'll die by myself without having to do anything for it.
  6. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    I agree to an extent of what you are saying, but if you had something of comfort why not look back on the times and feel lucky you had it to begin with. Some people do not even get the opportunity. Anyway, I do wish you luck in your exams! Just don't throw it all away if by chance you fail.
  7. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    I know somewhat how you're feeling... I have four essays to write within the next two weeks to go towards a very important grade. It's very stressful.. but we can only do our best. If it doesn't work out, then we simply weren't meant to do that! Put aside two hours of just laying on the sofa or your bed and try to rest for a while. I can also relate to your loneliness.. maybe after your exam tomorrow give a friend a call or email? Don't spend the week after planning how to go... focus on yourself and try to have a nice week. Maybe do some activities you enjoy to help get rid of the stress. I'm here if you want to talk to someone going through similar things. :hug: I hope you'll be okay.
  8. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    Well Pedro, you won't die, but you might be dead exausted :). It's not impossible to do, I know if you really want to make it, you will give it your most effort and forget about everything else, even if you have 5 or 10 more exams. This is not the right time to think about your past mistakes or future worries, today is the right time for 1 thing only, that exam, and tomorrow for the next one, and it goes on until you're finished with them. I remember when I went to college there was time when I didn't sleep 2 nights at all, not 1 minute, you're young and you can do it! Don't let yourself think of anything else, study and let us know tomorrow how it was. Wish you the best:)
  9. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Pedro, you've worked too hard and too long to let it go that easily. Feeling like this is only winding you up when you really need to wind down, relax, realize that you've done all you could for now - the best thing you can do now is finish revising what you can, then rest your brain, get a load of sleep, and just go in and do your best. And worry about Tuesday's exam tomorrow.

    I endorse everything Morfea's said, be focused on one thing at a time - whatever's gone on before, that's not relevant right NOW. It will still be there for you to sort out, later. Right now, think only of you, and what's best for you.

    And all the best for that exam. I believe in you, I know you can do it - you know you can too!
  10. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    can you go to your professors with a note from you doctorstating the pressures you are under and get some of your exam times changed. I know with my daughter they allowed her extra time and quiet room and even changed date of some of her exams when she was depressed. Can you doctor do this for you and will your college allow this. Good luck try breathing in the box and do your best thats all any of us can do.
  11. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    I tried talking to a humans relations teacher in my college who is a phycology major and was kind enough to offer some support about my situation with my ex. We talked once and she asked the board, on my behaf, to put my name in the bottom of the list when placing the students in the exam rooms, so that I don't end up with my ex in the same room as me (our admission numbers are pretty close so the chances of that happening as it is are extremely high). They basically told her I had to suck it up.

    Doing something that takes so much goodwill as setting a special exam date and a quiet room for me... as much as I'd love to, I'd say only if the Pope lent a hand (well, it is called the Portuguese Catholic University for some reason...)

    Thanks guys, I just logged in to see if I had some replies. I'm still not very confident, but I'll see this through to the end. I'll have news tomorrow, good nights to everyone.
  12. JM18

    JM18 Active Member

    For every person studying for an exam is different. Some people need to study all night long, learn all the hard facts and they wont get any good from it cause they simply forget it, others do the same and get awesome grades.

    Yet again, there are those who don't have to study that much, who pay attention in classes and get by because of that.

    Find out which one you are. When it comes to sleeping, then yet again people are different, some people thrive when they go to sleep really late because of studying and others feel better when they sleep a full head and either study the day before or in the morning.

    Figure these things out. If indeed your ex being in the room causes you stress, then eliminate all other causes of stress that you can actually eliminate.
    Best of luck
  13. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Ok, first exam is done, and it went badly, really really bad. It's certainly a miss...

    tbh, there's still a small smally chance of getting this ubject done even by failing this exam (which I'm pretty sure I will) but it's a really long shot... I have to do really really good in the second exam so I can be admitted to the final exam and then I have to pass that one... not easy at all...

    I don't know what do after this Friday... I just don't feel capable of keeping this up... I really feel like giving up...

    My ex was sitting 2 rows in front of me for 2 and a half hours... for those of you who know how much that hurts me... yeah I'm that depressed right now...

    Anyway, for now it's study for tomorrow's exam. Hopefully I should be able to pass that one much easier.

    Thanks for showing your care all of you. I did thought anyone would listen to the bloody college mule in distress. Thanks again.
  14. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Being an old hand at sitting exams (lots of them over the years) I tended to find that when I thought I'd done abysmally in them, quite often the results were much better than I expected. So unless you know for sure you messed up on specific answers or replies, it's possible that your own mood is making you think you've done badly. Worth keeping an open mind anyway, until you actually know the results.

    And yeah, that's crap that she was sitting there, especially where you could see her. But as you yourself have said, you're going to have to put that on backburner until after your exams -just shut down on it for the next few days, grit teeth and get through. Worry about everything else afterwards.

    Easy words I know, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you :smile:

  15. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Yeah I know how that works (God knows how many times my ex said she'd fail an exam only to pass with flying colors) but I'm actually pretty acuratte, and on this case even more, given I left a bunch of questions blank.

    Thanks anyway, hopefully I'll get better tomorrow by doing good at the next exam. Signing off for today. Cya!
  16. morfea

    morfea Antiquities Friend

    wish you luck tomorrow and less blanks :)
  17. Ordep

    Ordep Well-Known Member

    Thanks. It went better, I think I passed this one, tough it was harder than I expected. At least I don't have another exam tomorrow, it was starting to drain me.

    Next and last on Friday...
  18. chooselife

    chooselife Well-Known Member

    Take some time out, maybe treat yourself to something. Give yourself a break so you can start refreshed. Best of luck!
  19. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    That's sounding more hopeful, well done! Yeah, a bit of a break from solid studying sounds like it should be on the cards. Now what was the name of that band again...
  20. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Good luck on Friday i hope all works out well I agree with the others try some time to just relax a bit have some fun Sending you lots of support and energy:stars::sparkle::cake:
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