So much stress

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ~PinkElephants~, Jun 7, 2007.

  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    sorry this is so long..bare with me..i needed to get this out.

    I NEED TO BE STRONG FOR HIM

    I need to be strong for him. I've been his life since he was not even two. Still in diapers, still drinking from a bottle, his mother took off and never even thought about the effects it would have on him later on in life. She never thought of what he might think or what might happen, all she cared about at 21 was her young adulthood and her life. All she thought about was the fact that she was missing out. She already handed her other child, a daughter, over to her mother years before Dylan came along. But, wouldn't one think, how could a mother abandon a child..especially one as beautiful and intelligent as Dylan. All I can say is the bitch missed out and even though he has part of her within him, I hope he never turns out like her...the sad thing is though...I hope he never turns out like his father either.

    Through everything I have always prided myself on taking care of him, of making sure that he had everything that he needed. Even though my brother is a year older than me, and i do admit that I'm immature at times, I grew up beyond my days. I became Dylan's "mother" so to speak. I am and always be his Auntie Kelly, but being his only female role model I am more of a mother than his biological mother will ever be. From the age of 1 1/2 until 3 I raised him. I quit my fulltime, full benefits job to get paid crap money but to spend time caring for, loving, and nurturing him. Those first few years I took so much shit from my brother. I worked 6 days a week from 7-4 and got paid $125 but I did it because I wasn't going to let Dylan suffer...EVER!! He was the innocent one in all the drama and crap that went down between his parents...and to this day neither of them have done shit.

    When he turned 3 my brother decided to enroll him in preschool so he could start being around other kids his age. I was devastated at first because we were so close, but I knew it was the best for him. What I thought was a bad decision turned out to help both Dylan and I. I ended up getting hired at the daycare that Dylan was enrolled in..that way I could have a fulltime job and I could also make sure Dylan was taken care of. Around that same time my brother moved out with his girlfriend and as Dylan called her "Mommy Lauren" Lauren was wonderful for him, I still watched him and he slept over the house on occasion. It ended up that when Dylan was five years old Lauren and my brother split. Of course it wasn't Dylan's fault or Lauren's fault for that matter. My brother...my brother is a slob. You think I'm kidding when I say slob...I'm actually under stressing it. He is disgusting..and I don't want Dylan to be that way. So after the split, my brother and Dylan moved back into my father's house with us. I gave up my huge bedroom to move into basically a closet in the basement just so Dylan at 5 could have his own room. That's when again I resumed basically being his main caregiver.

    For the age of 5 til now...he's 7. I have given everything to him, everything he's ever needed...including my heart. When he started kindergarten my father and I went out and bought clothes and school supplies. I bought and still buy all the groceries b/c if i didn't Dylan would live on canned ravioli and boxed mac and cheese...which yea is fine but not everyday. So i go and buy him real food, chicken, steak, ham...etc and cook for him. I take him or give him haircuts, I give him baths, I do his homework almost all of the time. Without my father and I, Dylan would be the stupid, dirty, smelly kid in class. My brother loves his son, I don't doubt that...BUT he doesn't love him like he should. When you lay down and create a life..your life is basically over. Your life is your childs life, your responsibility is that child...sorry if you are young..tough shit. He started first grade we again bought him his clothes....bought his supplies bought his food. I wish my father would have taken custody of Dylan and kick Shaun out so that way he has a change at a normal and healthy life..not a destructive one.

    Today, today Dylan is 7. He's fantastic though he whines sometimes, he's smart even though he pretends he's not. He's had so much bad shit happen to him in such a short amount of time. He has had his mother walk out on him and his Mommy Lauren leave him. He told me one day with tears in his eyes "why doesnt my mommy or my mommy lauren love me anymore?" I broke..that is not fair to any child let alone a 7 year old. He has also had my brother bring females in and out of his life with his recently ended relationship with his ex Megan(can't blame her from running), and his new whore Laura..which she is. My brother is 28 and she is 18. My brother is just using her for sex, but if you look at it, he's bringing these people around his son for him to see and learn from him. He is going to end up growing up resenting women and treating them like shit..and I don't want that for him. I want him to see me...look at me and see that i have been and always will be here for him. He is my heart!

    Someday I would like to have a life, I'd like to be able to just go, to take my money and spend it on what I want and where I want. I would like to be me, instead of someone I am not. I would like to smile and it not be so forced and so fake. I look at that lil boy and if you say him and i together you'd understand...you'd see...the bond..the light in his eyes when we hang out and I take him places. I would like to move out of my fathers basement..i mean at 27 I shouldn't be here...but I can't leave. I can't leave because if i leave what will he think in his lil mind..'oh my god, women are evil. all they do is lie and leave and abandon me' I WILL NOT have that for him..ever. Granted I might be dead and gone before I ever move out, or let go, or be me, or even breath a sigh of relief. I might be old and ancient..but at least, at least I'll know that Dylan is safe, and raised properly, and smart, and everything that he can be. I want him to reach his potential and exceed his wildest dreams. I want him to never have to look back and say...man i hated my life...like i say daily. The one and only time I had a break rom Dylan was when I went to NY for five days and when I saw him on the fifth day he ran up to me, jumped on me, and told me he missed me. THIS IS WHY I DO IT. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME AND I LOVE HIM DEARLY.

    THATS WHY I NEED TO STAY STRONG FOR HIM
     
  2. RainbowChaser

    RainbowChaser Well-Known Member

    :hug: That's so sweet hun!
     
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    :hug: kellz, that's so cute! :smile:
     
  4. Xalcro

    Xalcro Well-Known Member

    Heh... wow...

    I really admire you for that. Taking care of a kid is not easy, that's why I really don't want any, I could never balance out my love... But you really are a kind of role model, not only for Dylan, but all of us...

    It takes alot to hang on, to stay strong, and really when another life is involved... You are really brave, and I think it's really awesome... amazing how you've developed a beautiful and unbreakable bond with this child.

    I could say more, but I am late for school :sweat:

    All I can say is, keep it up, you're a true angel. Just spread your wings, give light to the rest of us...
     
  5. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Kells..... :cry:
     
  6. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I nearly lost my mind tonight. I nearly slipped and went completely insane. My nephew didn't come home from his baseball game tonight, he normally comes home with the neighbors..he always does. It's nothing new, it's nothing unusual. I was downstairs and I just assumed at 730, like always Dylan was home upstairs with my dad. I sat downstairs like an asshole, like a loser and just thought he was upstairs, instead of going to check.

    Well, 930pm rolls around and my dad hollers to me and asks me "where's dylan?" and I immediately went into panic mode. All the worst scenarios popped into my head. All the worst thoughts ran in my mind and I thought he was gone, lost, even dead. Even as I'm writing this I'm visibly shaken, I'm crying and I can't control it.

    I called my neighbor to ask where Dylan was and he tells me that my brother's(dylan's dad) girlfriend was at the game and said she was taking him home. Now mind you this fuckin' bitch has only been dating my brother for about a month. She has no right taking Dylan anywhere, especially since my brother has been outspoken about saying he's just using her for sex. So anyway I hang up with my neighbor who is now also in a panic and feels guilty as hell b/c we don't know where Dylan is. I finally get ahold of my brother at work(he works at a restaurant) and my dad had to take the phone from me b/c i was about to start going ballistic. My brother's whore took Dylan to Shaun's work. Now, not a phone call, not a message from either of them saying "hey I took Dylan, taking him to see his dad" or "hey dad it's Shaun, I've got Dylan"

    We have 7 people in this house panicking, we had the neighbors panicking and my dickhead piece of shit brother couldn't bother to pick up a fuckin' phone and tell us that Dylan was fine and that he had him. This is how inconsiderate my brother is. I'm furious at him. I want to take my fist and smash his teeth into his throat. I want to tell him that he's a selfish bastard who only thinks of himself.

    I just wish my father woudl take custody of Dylan, give him the life he deserves. Why does Dylan have to suffer at the hands of a shitty father? Why does Shaun even care?? It's not like he does anything for Dylan. i can't tell anyone when the last time Shaun bathed him, cut his nails, brushed his hair, made sure his teeth were brushed, made sure he was fed, or bought him clothes or food. I can't tell you the last time he even spent time with Dylan talkign ot him or playing with him. The truth is I'm embarassed of my brother. I can only imagine what the school must think of this family because my brother is a good for nothing father. I am embarased for my family because my brother doesn't love himself at all so how can he possibly love his own child.

    Im sad and sickened in so many ways...so many ways...but you know..how can I protect a child that's not mine. How can I protect him from the evils of the world and the carelessness of his father. I can't..and that..that breaks my heart to pieces..because he is my world.
     
  7. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    You and Dylan are very lucky to have each other. He will always remember the love and care you gave to him. You have been the one constant in his lif and that is so very important. I am sure you were all frightened and worried when you were uncertain of Fylans whereabouts. For the future could your families coordinate where Dylan should be and who should be with him.
     
  8. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    :( poor Dylan would be lost without you Kelly, and I know ive said many times you need to think of yourself a bit more, but I know its virtually impossible. I think custody for your father is a solution, but I dunno, I mean your father isnt a young man anymore, is it fair that he take on that sort of committment? its hard to see another option though. Fuck your brother just needs to accept whats happened in his life and try to make the most of it. He has a son that could make all the differance to his life if he just tried to be a father.