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So Much Stuff!!! (long read) :(

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Apr 1, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    So much on my mind.. so to make a breif list here it is:

    (Taken from my diary thread)

    Now to get into slightly more detail..

    So today my food stamps refilled, I finally got some food, but I'm way too concerned with money. And when I eat I feel sick for some reason.. I think I may have a gluten allergy because I've been having issues with certain foods, so today I bought all things without gluten..I got a whole cooked chicken, some gluten free crackers, some sweet and sour sauce to make another stir fry, hummus for crackers, apple juice, and some danimals yo-gurt for breakfast..

    Recently I have been hardly eating because I feel sick and I'm so concerned with money..

    I currently live on Disability and it is hard to do anything being in the USA.. It seems if I try to get a real job, I fear loosing my health coverage. And then it may also affect my Disability funds and my Food stamps.. So I have to find something I can get payed for with cash.. And I guess for now I may have something.. I have someone in my therapy program who just got a job at this pizza place and I may get payed from her to help with sign holding and to help re-do the place and get business.. As it is currently I basically see about $272 a month total for food, toilet paper, cat supplies, etc.. Everything except bills.. I'm really hating the USA right now..


    So I lost my brother in April 2005 a day before he turned 13.. And it always is a hard time of year for me. I also lost an Aunt to cancer in March of 2003.. Then I have some past history of suicide attempts.. One in particular where I was dead for a little while.. Yet I can't seem to understand what really happened.. Anyway, it's hard to explain..

    I just had a doctor visit with my new doctor yesterday.. Had to get STD tested because there was this jerk guy at my complex who used me for sex few weks ago.. Anyway, I was checked and got a pill for yeast infection and took the pill yesterday.. I'm worried about the STD results and I will actually know those results on my birthday, as I go back there for the results of that April 14th.. As well as I got my blood drawn for gluten allergies.. So I'll know that too.. And I get my 2nd Aids swab then.. Sigh.. Was really uncomfortable.. Anyway, I am still waiting for the pharmacy here to get in the cream stuff I'm supposed to use.. Unfortunately my insurance wont pay for it and I'm not sure how much it is.. I may end up not even getting it.. bleh..

    So April 9th I get to do this horse training to be a volunteer at a horse therapy place.. I'm kinda excited to go and can't wait.. My only concerns are if I will be able to handle being out so much and use so much energy with what little food I eat and be OK..

    I have a girlfriend now and I'm excited about that, but I'm also very nervous as I've had a lot of relationship problems in the past.. And I really don't want to screw this up..

    My Birthday is April 14th, I'll be 20

    I haven't had a suicide attempt yet.. And thats good considering I've had one every April since 2007..

    One of my Aunts will have surgery for a pacemaker for her heart on April 8th (Day before Horse thing) And I'm a bit concerned as I have already lost people this time of year that I was close to..

    So I guess that's the basics.. If you want to call it that.. My mind is just spinning a lot.. Going between happy, depressed and worried pretty quickly..
  2. Shax

    Shax Banned Member

    Hi Swift, hoping you get some more relaxed times soon, and that you break some old habits. Just glad that you have someone you care about.

    Best wishes.
  3. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Heya swift.

    So you think that crackers and breads and wheat products and other foods with gluten aren't agreeing with you right now? Are you worried that you have celiac disease? As far as I know, diagnosis depends on a blood test. I think you said you have a doctor, but maybe you can ask about that.

    My favorite food is oatmeal (and berries if i have money to throw at it). It's dirt cheap if you buy it from bins in bulk. But the problem is that it can be cross-contaminated by wheat products in the same factory or warehouse. Brown rice should be safe even if you have celiac disease, but some people suggest avoiding grains because of the cross-contamination issue. That might be too cautious though.

    Stick in there. Remmeber to keep in touch with all your friends as much as you can because without anybody to talk to there's nothing to hold onto when you fall. I bet you're nervous about the horse thing coming up. Reminds me when I've had jobs, but I always rubberbanded back after a few days. So if it helps just remind yourself that the nervousness should go
    away with time! That doesn't mean it'll be easy and it's harder for some than others.

    About the nervousness,...

    If you knew this was all a game, would it be easier? I've asked myself that for the past few days. All the things I worry about, the people that make me nervous: my social anxiety. If I knew this was a game or was temporary, I wouldn't be nervous. That's the truth. This life, of course, isn't a game and shouldn't be treated like one, but the the thought occurred to me and was interesting.

    I've always asked myself how some people walk through life and make it look easy. When you ask them, they'll say it was hard, but still, my mind tells me another story! They really do make it look easy, I don't care what they say! I bet there's some latent thing going on in my mind from my past, but I've always asked if it's just a matter of perspective. And that's why I asked: is RL a game, or am I taking RL too seriously, or not good at risk taking? I always feel so tense and people I've known tell me that.

    I don't know if these ideas help, but I wanted to share with you my own nervousness I have.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 1, 2011
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I just had the blood test to see if its gluten yesterday.. and I'm fairly certain as when I had noodles 2 nights ago, I got stomach pains almost right away, chest pains, felt nauseous, dizzy, and this kinda feeling like my head was made of lead, tired as hell, shaky, and my throat started getting tight.. I made a whistle when I breathed out hard.. sigh.. And I got results from the basic allergy test my last doc did and all was negative.. The only thing left that normal docs can test is gluten.. I'm going to try a gluten free diet for a while.. See if that stops.. UGH..

    And the horse thing I want to do.. As of right now, the best thing I can do is keep busy, because being at home all day right now, my mind in screaming!! I just came back from a short bike ride as I got a tire pump and filled my bike tires to ride it.. And I've been going off and online.. I just am so overwhelmed!! My head wont STOP!!!
  5. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Yeah it's not pleasant when your thoughts are flying and your head is spinning from it all. Best thing to do is keep distracted. It does help keep the spinning to something close to bearable!! Hope you get the results soon and can start to do what you need to be able to eat properly again.
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member


    I went out to take a small walk and clear my head and FUCK! My day gets worse :cry: I had an envelope on my door from my complex manager and have to provide information on my income and assets in 14days.. How the HELL am I going to do that?? And then I have the damn results of the STD tests day OF my birthday!!! Dare I say what else can go wrong??? :blub:
  7. AlopexAngel

    AlopexAngel Chat Buddy

    Don't cry Swift. It'll be alright. THe results will come back soon enough and you'll manage to get the info. Do you have anyone to help you provide the necessary paperwork?