i been jacking off all day. i went 3 days without and now i have cum 4 times, spent the whole day trying to cheer myself up. i have so much work to do and am not bothering what is the point? i work hard on my college work, or my drivers test, deal with the torture of concentrating on something whille my heart is beating violently and in pain from despair, guilt, anguish, worry, my heart asking for relief with fantasy and porn. i dont care about this accomplishment bullshit i feel the same way if i get 40% in a exam as if i got 100%. i dont want 100% on an exam i want a woman. what is the point it will not make me happy. the void i need to fill is a woman, i cannot stop thinking of it and if i got one i would not be so hopeless. mastrubating relieves me somewhat, but after i cum i feel terrible and lonely and the haze is cleared. after next week its like a month before i go back to college. at least in collge i can keep trying and failing to talk to girls. everyone moving on except me so no wonder i wont get a girl, i dont even wantto move on i want my time back, its easy to move on for them. after next week i have a whole xmas in isolation apart from my family, they are useless i don't want to spend time with my family i want a woman and stop telling me don't be desperate, because the situation im in causes me to be desperate i can't just turn it off and on. i want romantic conversations with young women if any conversation i dont want stupid pointless disgusting conversations with men and old women unless im trying to get to know her social group or with my gaming partner online. i dont like it because i want what i want, i dont want something else, ffs, dont give it to me fuckign keep it. ive spent xmas alone every year xmas is the loneliest time of the year, it reminds me of my failure etc. valentines day is not the worst for reminding you of your worhtlessness, valentines day is one single day, this fucking xmas shit takes weeks and even though its not designed for couples and romance i see these commercials with couples iceskating at xmas then it gives a closeup of there hands holding it makes me sick and i hate myself. im sure a lot of sex happens on new years and other parties also. i have to sit or lie here knownig that there is probably hundreds of women in my city having a great time being fucked by some man at the very moment i am thinking it. a couple new years i got very drunk in my room from vodka to ease the pain of hearing all the fireworks outside. new years, GREAT! another shitty and pointless year of failure gone. i absolutely hate xmas and the 'xmas dinner' just makes me more depressed i wish there was none. i dont want or need a stupid xmas dinner which my mother waste so much time by her own will making this shit whether i tel her its a waste of time or not, u put the fuckign food in your mouth and keeps u alive, thats the fucking purpose u eat enough to fucking live idc about dumbass useless luxuries whats the poitn seriously? i dont want an xmas dinner, i want a woman. i have a feeling this xmas is going to be the longest and hardest i've had. i wish i could move out but i have no money or job and i dont want my job back tbh. if i cut my throat it would cut short this bs.