So my friend killed herself...

Discussion in 'Grief and Bereavement' started by Brighid Moon, Jul 17, 2010.

  1. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Nothing's much more of a suicidal ideation-damper than having a friend who kills themselves. I tried for months to help her, and stop her, all to no avail. She had a pact with her husband: her husband and she gave their son pills, she took pills, they fell asleep, he killed them both, then hung himself. Its been months. I still miss her. I really understand why she did it, but I can not forgive her for taking the life of their innocent son in the process. I also mostly blame her husband, because he was so abusive and manipulating towards her, and the entire incident was his idea, originally. I am sure he put her in the headspace that it was the only way out. All about his ego. I hate narcissists! I still miss my friend. I think about her always. Now I know what its like to be on the other end of the rope, so to speak. I still get my frustrated rages over things that are going on, and things that I have no control over, or things that are not going on that should be, or even over people who really piss me off, for one reason or the other - but I'll never do to my friends what my friend did to me and her family. I still feel I can't talk to anyone, and that no one cares - even more so, now that my friend is gone. I feel like I should have done more for her, but I have no idea what I could have done. In the end, it was her decision. I still love and miss her. I wish it would have been me. It always should have been me. :sweetheart:
  2. nolonger

    nolonger Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry to hear that :(. It must be traumatic having a whole family die. I would be at a state of "What the hell just happend???".

    Have you been able to talk to anyone about it? Counselling maybe?

    I really hope you get better :(. Stay safe...:hugtackles:
  3. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend


    When it first happened I was in shock. After the initial shock wore off, since then I've just been missing her. It was a really complicated friendship, and she was such a good, honest, caring woman - but naive and sheltered, and stubborn as a mule. I miss her terribly. She was actually a better person than I ever have been. But I can't forgive her for killing her son. That's something I could never have done. I've said, before, my dogs are the only thing that keeps me alive - I certainly couldn't imagine killing them when I'm in one of my suicidal fits. How much more your own child? That's the only thing I can't get past.

    That and my anger at her husband. He had brought up the idea to her two months before they did it. I tried for those two months to talk to them both, and do all I could to dissuade them - all to no avail. I'm angry it was all over his own ego. I hate him.
  4. Ihatemyfamily

    Ihatemyfamily Member

    that is really sad..i sort of understand where she might have been coming from when she thought to take her son with her..i thought about taking my child with me because i couldnt bear to leave her without me as i knew that nobody could look after her better than myself..i didnt want her to be left hurting without me but at th same time i was thinking i couldnt hurt her myself,what if she died and i didnt,i couldnt harm a hair on her head ever so i decided to wait till shes grown up and end my own.
  5. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I had told both her, and her narcissistic husband, that to take another life was the epitome of selfishness.

    Sometimes I still feel guilty for not telling someone they were making these plans, but at the same time I was fairly sure they were not really going to do it. And I would have had no one to tell. When you are planning on killing yourself, the only time anyone will interfere, professionally, is if you admit you are going to do it. Had someone come to their door, they would have done as I have done before - lied. Thus there would be nothing the authorities could have done anyhow. I remind myself of this all the time whenever the guilt returns.

    This woman was in an abusive relationship with a sociopathic narcissist. The sociopath convinced her to kill herself and her son to protect his ego.

    Let this be a lesson to others who are in these bad relationships - GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN!!! Do not listen to them!!! They LIE. They DO NOT LOVE YOU. They are incapable of loving anyone, including themselves. They will do anything they can to protect their ego - INCLUDING KILLING YOU AND THOSE YOU LOVE.
  6. shades

    shades Staff Alumni

    Aside from the specifics, I feel exactly as you do as it pertains to the suicide of my best friend last August. He left his elderly mother with no assistance and for that I can never forgive him, though like you, I miss him terribly.

    I'm so sorry for your loss and can honestly, and sadly say, that I know just how you feel. It's been almost a year now and I think of him almost daily.

    Like you, this has definitely made me think about what would happen if I did the same.

    I hope that in time the wound will not be as deep but I don't think we will ever be the same.

    If you want to send me a pm I'd be ok with discussing this further.

    Please take care...

  7. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you, Mike.
  8. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Actually your friend was murdered, an it should not have been you. My heart goes out to you, and I pray that one day you will be able to deal with this situation better. Blessings..
  9. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    It was a murder-suicide. You're right about that. But she was aware of what she was doing and chose to do it. Its not like someone hadn't been there going "Hey, D-----, this is wrong, don't do it." And she, herself, called it suicide, when she spoke about it. Things like this are so complicated. She wouldn't have chosen to kill herself, and her son, if it weren't for her husband. In that regard, it was murder. But she did choose to take the pills, and allow him to do what he did.

    I thank you very much, Daphna, for your compassion. It means a lot to me. This is (and has been) very hard to deal with.
  10. Psychic24

    Psychic24 Member

    :( But What was the reason for this act? why did her husband do this? I can understand manipulation but taking your life and your child's life? I don't understand....or should I say comprehend...
  11. Brighid Moon

    Brighid Moon Member & Antiquities Friend

    I don't truly comprehend either, except that it was an act of ego.

    They were from another country. They moved here and settled, buying land, opening businesses. Her husband had been having affairs on her, leaving her alone to do most of the work, and she was exhausted. She was raising their son basically alone, as they were living in separate states. She did not have family support, and only a few friends, and had limited English. Her family was against him, and were doing everything they could to separate them, due to his treatment of her. She was alone and scared, and clinging to him. She forgave him things that I never could forgive a person.

    He suffered from manic-depression and was in a down-cycle upon their return. Financially things began to get very grim, due to US economy, and due to certain people in her family. I kept telling her that this person had no legal bearing and was only harrassing them, and even her attorney told her this. That prior spring, her husband was so wrapped up in his illness, and his affairs, that he forgot to update their visa. They went back to their country in the fall, and returned back here in the winter. She had issues with her family, about her husband - and honestly I can see their side. But like me, she is rebellious. And they were unfair to her.

    Anyhow, when they returned, that's when he started bringing up this murder-suicide idea. I talked to them both. I really thought that at least she would have the common sense to not go through with it. Clearly I was mistaken. However, I was also led, by her, that things were getting better in the month before this actually happened. Apparently it was part of the plan, as everyone else was hearing the same stories.

    But really, it just boils down to his ego - he couldn't stand "losing" and he was too selfish, and expected his family to "go with him". He was planning on killing them, no matter what. She just happened to be alone, terrified, and clinging to him, and went along with it.

    I still can't believe she killed her son. I will never get over that part, especially when she had so many people, including myself, who would have helped her.
  12. alison

    alison Well-Known Member

    Jeez, that's terrible. I'm so sorry :(
  13. Paigeee

    Paigeee Member

    This isn't your fault at all, you tried to help her but the hurt she had was too powerful. Sometimes people cannot be stopped, and sometimes it isn't your job to stop them. You need to understand you was a good friend to her that tried their best to help, and she will remember this forever. Don't blame yourself for something that isn't your fault.
  14. cashing_out

    cashing_out Well-Known Member

    Not your fault. Even if you would have called the police because you were in fear for her life, its still not your fault. I did call the police on my brother when he locked himself in the bathroom with a loaded gun. They came and got him, held him for an evaluation for a week, let him go, two weeks later, he blew his head off. This time he didnt call me. There was nothing I could have done. There was nothing you could have done. It iz wut it iz and now you do wut you have to do. Forgive yourself cuz its not your fault. You also have to forgive your friend. I know it sounds stupid but you do. She was not in her right mind and she did what she thought was best at the time. Glad your still with us.
  15. Black Beauty

    Black Beauty Well-Known Member

    Unfortunately many women are biologically attracted to abusive ('dominant') men. See the following article:

    The only way to get a woman out of this sort of situation? Well, many people will advise getting counselling. But often even with counselling the victim will continue going back to their husbands. So really what is needed is for another 'dominant' male to enter into the picture and make her move on, and for this new dominant male to treat her good (without acting submissive).

    This is a really sad situation and I'm sorry to hear about it. What's done is done and you just have to try dedicate your life to helping the thousands of other families out there going through the same thing.

    Take care.