so painful...

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by crisis4Life, Aug 1, 2007.

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  1. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member

    I don't know what to do anymore, I can hardly take the pain... since I was 4, fucking 4 years old I have wanted to die... thats a whole 16 years of trying to fight this shit... 16 fucking years and no improvement, if anything, it has gotten worse...

    see when I was 4, I didn't care about what others thought of me... If I was upset, I threw a tantrum, didn't really care where or anything... though my parents sure did...

    But now that I've grown up, I have this sense of responsibility, respect for others, they don't want to see that shit, I gotta think about the consequences of my actions and all that shit... If that is the fucking screw holding my head together, I WANT TO LOSE IT... Trying to stop myself has only made the pain worse... the suicidal and self harming thoughts have only gotten worse over, more pronounced, and much more violent... but my mind has only gotten more sensible in stopping myself... ITS SO FRUSTRATING... I WANT TO SOOO BAD, BUT I CANT...

    And I cant even fucking do anything properly... I've tried overdosing at least 4 times... but nooo, I have to have a fucking problem with swallowing pills... i can only take about 5 or 7 before I feel sick and can't swallow anymore... I'm so fucking weak... I also can't cut deep enough because i'm such a fucking coward and weakling when it comes to pain... I don't have the courage to jump from heights... I can't do anything, but the pain is becoming soooo intolerable.

    Have I been on meds? oh yes, too many to count. Have I seen therapist? yup, also about too many to count... had one when i was little, at a youth counselling place... loved her, she was awesome, but IM NOT A FUCKING YOUTH ANYMORE... which means i dont fucking get access to her anymore... fucking health system... block you from the one person you liked talking to... the rest that I have had, I have hated... My psychiatrist is an un-emotional idiot... I only recently got the courage to ask for a new one... so now I have to wait for that request to get processed...

    If I wasn't such a coward, I would do it... why can't I fucking do it... man I wish I could... there is so much pain... oh so much pain...
  2. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I am sorry you are feeling so down at this time. We don't know what causes the depression to affect us in the way it does. You say you have been to therapists and been on many different types of meds. Was there any that helped more than others? Were the right combinations found for you? Did you connect with your therapist? sometimes it takes a long time for us to find the right combinations of therapists, psychs, and meds. Don't give up. someday you will find them and things may begin to look up for you.
  3. crisis4Life

    crisis4Life Member

    How many more fucking years will it take??? 16 years have already been wasted with NO progress made... meds have done shit all for me, as have therapists... they all tell you the same shit, you need to accept yourself, you're a wonderful person, ask you to reveal your life story as they comment on it, blah blah blah... they tell you to keep working at it... It doesnt help for shit... they all only tell you the same shit... different words, same shit... It's BS...

    p.s. im sorry for the language... but really, 16 years, and nothing has gotten better... it's really quite frustrating, and I need to get the anger out somewhere... I just don't know what to do anymore, I really wish i could just fall asleep and never wake up
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Feel free to vent as much as you would like. I know 16 years is a long time. Have you had any times you can remember that were good times? I really don't know much about you so I can help you to ressurect some of those memories. i would be willing to try if you would like. Feel free to PM me anytime if you need someone to talk with. :hug:
  5. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    They can't fix you, only you can fix yourself, they can help and guide you, but they do not have a magic wand, they are not miracle workers (therapists, doctors, etc...).

    It sounds like you are still hoping for someone to rescue your or save you from the pain, but the awful truth is that no one can do that. It has to come from inside of you. It sucks, I know.

    It also sounds like you have a lot of anxiety right now about not being able to hurt or kill yourself, and that is making things worse. Can you just accept the fact that you don't have it in you? Stop fighting it. And figure out what to do next about living your life and easing the pain without resorting to self harm or destruction?
  6. scott1891

    scott1891 Member

    I know the feeling wanting to finish things but never being able to . Then feeling 1000 times more worthless because you cant . I did the next best thing though I finally gave up on that and figured to shift my focus on fixing myself. Unlike many others I didn't use meds or even go to a therapist. I basically broke things down and tried to refocus . I stayed active doing things I like and even tried new things. It was very hard at first but as time moved on it got easier. There are still days that I wake up and am going through various emotions sometimes depressed and sometimes outright anger and it stays there and there is no reasons as to why its just there. So I know that it will never go away completely but I am more able to get a handle on it.. I think talking to others helped me out alot. I saw that so many have been through it and many have made it through which became an inspiration. Also I had a life changing event ..I met someone who I credit with saving my life ... she was the main reason I am here today and I am happy to say we are still together 11 years. I can tell you it is worth it to keep fighting for there is hope and when you find it grab on with both hands tight.
  7. blade

    blade Well-Known Member

    i kn ow what ur going through i sometimes have those moments..sometimes i feel soo worthless...cant control it..keep fighting.. :)
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