so pointless, so suicidal

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by hollishollis, Dec 4, 2009.

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  1. hollishollis

    hollishollis New Member

    I'm only 15 but I just want to kill myself so bad, I fail at everything, I don't fit in anywhere, I have no friends or family, and I just always get in the way. I don't see why I'm not already dead, or why my past attempts all failed and I'm still alive, I'm a pathetic waste. My parents told me I was a accident and they never wanted me. I was left with my mom who was always gone doing drugs and sleeping with men.

    She'd slap me around and tell me I was worthless. We lived in trailer and barely had food. I've never had a birthday or christmas, all holidays Id sit alone in that damn trailer and just stared at the ceiling. I never had any toys, no tv, nothing. She had money, but she kept all for herself for drugs and for when she went out. I had to manage for myself.

    We were driving down the highway one day and I decided to jump out of the car into the way of oncoming traffic. Not much happened and I sat in the hospital for about a week. After coming out of all that hell though, the most wonderful things happened to me. My brothers eventually found out about all this and took me to live with them. Im kind of estranged from them and theyre not much better off, but its SO much better then living with my mom.

    But then, I met this boy, he attented school with me and apparently all year long he had a crush on me and was too nervous to say anything all year. I was so flattered, we instantly became really good friends and I would always go to his house and he was very rich, so I would have the best times. We dated a year, happiest year of my life after like 14 years of pure hell. But he was 19, turning 20 and getting ready to go away to college. I was still just 15 in highschool, so this was conflicting. After a few weeks of talking about this, I wake up one morning to a text message left on my phone, it was him saying goodbye and that he had decided to leave for college and we couldnt date anymore.

    Im so hurt and destroyed, I was going to have my first christmas ever, first christmas tree, first everything, I wanted to share it all with him, everything. He actually doesnt know of my bad past, he thinks I'm just average kid with a great life, but not really, he just made things so good for me. He was the only thing I had, I spent all my time with him. So I have nothing now, no family, well my brothers, but they dont really understand, they care kind of, but the really dont know the true depth and pain of it.
    Im so depressed now, all my grades are failing, Im not in the mood for anything anymore, I just sleep all day, I dont eat anything anymore, and I just cry so hard I vomit it up anyways. Everything seems so stupid, I just want to die, whats the point of anything? Its so stupid.

    All I have are pills and razors, but they seem scary and risky, if I had a gun though, oh I would be so happy.
    I wish though I could just be happy again like I was with him, he was so sweet and caring.
    But hes long gone now.
    I have no family or friends to talk to really, I am really shy around people, but around him I could talk a lot, but I never told him about my suicidal thoughts and attempts.
  2. wheresmysheep

    wheresmysheep Staff Alumni

    i am sorry you had a rough up bringing, but your in a good place with your brothers by the sound of it.
    your ex bf may come back college isnt forever, but he has to think of his future that doesnt mean he doesnt love you or doesnt care. you maybe should have been honest with him about your past so he understood you better.
    your not stupid nor is this hurt you are feeling. it can lift tho :hug:
  3. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    You're too young to know whether this life is too stupid or not.

    Give it a chance.
  4. morning rush

    morning rush Well-Known Member

    I'm so sorry you suffered hell. It must've been so hard with your mom...that's just terrible. You are strong though, to have survived this. First love is always hard to get over but you just takes time. Have you tried writing a diary, writing all your thoughts? Maybe it could help you...

    Give yourself time, its okay to be sad and depressed...its a normal reaction to what's happened to you...

    I wish I could be there to give you a hug and tell you everything will be okay. I can only give you a cyber hug. If you ever want to chat, my pm box is always open:IrishDoll:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Right now you are hurting so you won't beleive this.. But there will be other boys in your future.. You are greiving right now next will come anger..Hopefully that will help break that ball and chain you are dragging around..Keep posting here and let us help you..Work on your studies right now.. Get your grades back up and then go to college..You will have all kinds of guys chasing you and then you can be selective.. I hope this helps just a little..Take care Of Yourself!!!
  6. FourWalledBox

    FourWalledBox New Member

    I'm 15 aswell and i'm going through a similar situation. Everyday I wake up just to fall back asleep, i'm not aloud to go anywhere because money is always an issue. Things are complicated that i've been taken out of school fo a while and waiting for my mum ( i don't like to call her that cause she doesn't act like one) but i'm waiting for her to come get me to take me to a proper home but I don't think she's coming any time soon. So everyday I just sit here in behind these four walls sobbing but no one hears me and I feel so trapped and lonely.
    Life IS pointless, no matter what anybody says, I can never change my mind cause i've been through much shit with my mum.
    All I can say is there are other people in the same position and all we can do is be there for the other person, just hoping that they will hang on, like I do. Hoping that one something will change.
    But know if you need anything, i'll be here to chat.
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