So sad i cant comprehend

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by simemsaa, Oct 24, 2011.

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  1. simemsaa

    simemsaa New Member

    This is the short version of my life.. one of six children the sixth sadly died at 2yrs. I myself am a twin. I am one of 3 girls always considered myself the ugly ducklying among the three of us the shortest the fattest the one with the dark hair.I got married first at 19 divorced at 20 but went on to have 2 children with my ex...we split when our girls were 1 and 2 my ex then went on to get engaged to my middle sister..(they are no longer together) i have always been closesest to my dad and my eldest brother we are the 3 amigo,s. to cut a long story short cos your all bored my now i was given a big responsibility that i betrayed because of the help needed by my twin.. i have always been the one that all members of the family get on with better im the one always there to help i want to help. needless to say majority of my family disowned me and moved away except my dad and brother. to cut an even longer story short. eventually the family forgave me though my dad who had been seperated from my mum since i was 13 had always been there my brother eventually after being very mad with me was there as well. my dad had had a couple of heart attacks over the year while all the family problems were going on but he was a musician a drinker a comdedian and went to pub straight from hospital. he always came to stay with me though.. then my brother who had had another child with a new woman ( he had two children to someone in our home town) decided to move to essex with her.. i was very sad escpecially as we were the three amigos. he moved. my dad kept getting pnuemonia and admitting to hospital then i got a call from my brothers new wife to say he wasnt well. he had only moved 3 months before but every couple of weeks came to stay with me to have the 2 children he had over here. i got a call to say my nephew who is disabled had also had a stoke. i went to visit him first in yorkshire but while there got a call from my brother askng me why i wasnt at the train station there to pick him up he was hallucinating. long long story short... left nephew went to visit brother who had just battled throat cancer and survived at 43 he just wanted me he was very ill had peritinitis liver probs i didnt recognise him while there got a phone call from my dads docs to say he had lung cancer... went home dad came to stay with me nov 5th 2009 i sent my girls to bon fire night with dad at 12 and 13 they didnt want to go my dad shouted me i was making him fish and chips but needed his fav tartar sauce.. he couldnt breath but didnt want me to call doc just yet i went to shop came back and he was dead i couldnt even go into the room properly i could tell from the door he was gone how much of a coward am i ....i know your all bored by now but i had been asked by my mother to visit my brother as he had come home but was still very ill i had asked my middle sister to come sit my dad but he didnt want anyone but me there so i chose to stay with my dad. nov 9th the worst day of my life i get a call to say my brother has been found dead in his sleep i should of been there but how could i be in two places at once...we had a joint funeral it was in the local paper the family,s double tragery look it up...most of my other family have now moved back now i am forever there for them i do all for them all i feel i owe it to them becasue of my past mistake... i am so unhappy i want to be part of the three amigos again and there is only one way i can do that... im sat here crying like a fool writing this i have two beautiful girls who all i know will say are worth staying for but they worry about me so much i have been under mental health for some time i feel they have more years worryig about me than years they would mourn me... i just exist for others im so sad and so lonely i only met one man shortly after i split from the girls dad but he beat me etc etc etc since then on my own im soo so tired now i have to go be part of the team again....
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I read your story hun and i can so relate hun
    You were overburdened and NO you cannot be everyones carer okay
    Ive been there done what you are doing and it dam near killed me too
    I lost my brother to suicide as well at the time i was trying to keep my twin alive and my daughter who both were suicidal I did not have enough energy insight to help my brother and i lost him
    The guilt i know you feel it is not right hun You cannot be there for everyone
    YOu two girls you will just be passing on the guilt you feel to them the pain you feel to them You will be passing on the suicidal trait to t hem if you leave
    You have to show them you can be strong enough to get the help you need to survive Show your girls how to cope how to fight to survive okay pass onto them that trait hun
    I am glad you are posting here hun you keep reachingout okay you keep doing things that bring YOU support because YOU deserve kindness and healing okay hugs to you
     
  3. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    You don't have to apologise for your thread.. Thats why we are here..I hope your dad and brother live RIP..IN your heart for a long time.. because that way they still live..I just lost my mom a couple of months ago..I talk to her at night..I agree with the other poster that you need to live for your girls.. They will need mom all there lives..I'm sure your dad and brother are in a better place..Take Care..
     
  4. simemsaa

    simemsaa New Member

    Thank you for your replies..It has helped this site in that when i read other peoples posts i see that i am not alone in some of my feelings, feelings that i thought made me mad or something. I am trying so hard to keep strong for my girls. It hurts though that when i have been poorly they then turn round and tell me how well i am doing when i am not doing anything silly. I dont want them to be proud of me that.. They see me getting strong again initially then they see me going down slowly slowly down again and i can see the worry in there faces.. whats mum going to do next.. I dont want them living in fear all the time its so sad to see. I even get them saying things to me like mum is depression and bi-polar hereditory that hurts even more because i know they are thinking gosh i dont want to end up like mum...I cant hold my finances together and i have started drinking again after stopping for over 6months as when i get past a certain level i just do silly things. it started just the odd glass of wine now ive back to asking the girls where they need to go etc and at what time so i know i can have a drink earlier and earlier i have got to the its in my hand before i can talk myself out of it stage... I had a DD 3 years ago which was very stupid but i did have a car at the time as well.... Im scared that i cant control my thoughts i really believe i am mad at times .... thank you so muchfor listening xxx
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 1, 2011
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