so sad

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ema, Jul 16, 2010.

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  1. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    I have no idea what to say, except that I feel so lonely and sad.

    I'm stressed about finishing school -- has to be done soon.

    My marriage is struggling and he's off to California for 2 weeks. The house suddenly feels really empty.

    I upset somebody on chat last night and now they seem to be running from me and I feel sick about it. I was sick all night thinking that I hurt somebody so much.

    And, my eyes hurt and they tell me there's nothing they can do. My eyes are my life. I mean, I can't do music anymore because of a tumor I had to have removed from my hand years ago. So, I read all the time. I was a librarian up until a few months ago. I'm a researcher. What will I do?

    I just want to disappear so badly. Just disappear. Not be.

    I never say that on here because it is so stupid. And people just say, "don't think that way." But, I don't know what to do at the moment. It's the feeling that got me here in the first place.

    And, I try to be positive around here. I don't know why, but it seems like the good thing to do. And, I like all the people.

    Why does it have to hurt so much? It just hurts so badly.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi ema, Wow you are really having to face and battle a lot of hard stuff no wonder you feel beaten and is truly a lot.
    Let me ask you are getting outside support like a pdoc or therapist? It really helps to get through the particularly rough times and give you tool to cope with the depression.

    I go myself and am on meds so there is no shame in it really.

    We of course are here for you so please use us, especially why you husband is away and you feel alone.

    Remember too that feeling like you want it all to end is about the sad emotions and not ending life you have anything that brings you joy? Can anything be done at all for your eyes..? Perhaps a second opinion?
  3. Dave_N

    Dave_N Banned Member

    Hi ema. I'm sorry that you're hurting so much right now. Don't worry too much about upsetting someone on chat. Sometimes things are said with the best of intentions and can be misinterpreted or taken out of context and someone can be hurt by them. Misunderstandings are bound to happen. Have you had your eyes checked out by an optometrist? Might as well make sure that there is nothing wrong with them, because vision is very important. :hug:
  4. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    Thanks for the kind reply.

    Yes, I see a psych regularly. I had a bad session this week. He basically told me I need to stop wasting time and get busy. He's right, and I did work on school when I could to try and get back on schedule. But, I think he misses the suicidal part sometimes because it is such an ever present thing with me. It's hard to communicate to him that it is really bad sometimes.

    As for my eyes, two docs looked at them and three consulted before they gave me the news. It's a degernative corneal disease. Eye drops is about all they can do right now. It is just painful. I think the drops are supposed to help ease the pain, but since it just started, they just suck up the drops and keep hurting. I have to do them every two hours. It is kind of funny, though, because I'm not good at this and I have terrible aim. You would think I would know where my eyes are!

    I'm trying. It helps to come here. Not as lonely. But, it still hurts inside.
  5. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    I know what you mean about it hurting inside...I am 44 and feel like it never ends on a certain level.

    First about your eyes please please see about medical marijuana for your pain..I understand it is phenomenal for eye pain which is largely due to pressure build up against the cornea...I hate pot myself but have been known to take a toke for my migraine pain and it works.

    Now I am just speaking from my own experience but I have found pdocs not so good for talking...for that I prefer a psychologist, but maybe that is what you meant....I don't know my pdoc is just so calloused about my personal life..great about the meds and getting that all straight away but he himself says he is not best at talk therapy and so I don't use him for that at all.

    I am glad coming here helps you..I honestly wouldn't know what to do with out this place it really helps me...

    I am here if you ever need to talk..I hope posting has helped you feel better and remember we are always here for you..

    Take care and I am listening
  6. ema

    ema Antiquities Friend

    I've been with my pdoc for almost 10 years now and he is really really good with therapy. He's just trying to push me along. I will have to be more honest with him next week.

    My eyes aren't a pressure problem, unfortunately. The cornea is actually eroding away. Kind of. It's weird. It's getting thick from bad cells that won't leave and they grow into cysts and rough spots which then make the cornea rough and yucky. I don't know if that would help with this condition. I go back in 2 weeks, though, for more tests and can find out more.

    Thanks for spending time with me. It helps. I mean it. Thank you.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Anytime, and rest assure someday you will repay the favor I am sure.

    Yeah don't think that pot is gonna help, my understanding it is it just helps with the pressure build up so probably not and besides I hate the buzz it gives me.

    That is so great that you can talk with your pdoc and see that he is not being insensitive but rather being a "friend" in pushing you along..we all need a bit of that I know I do.

    Feel free to post or PM me anytime you need to talk I will reply for certain..
    Nice meeting you and spending time with you.
    Hugs Bambi
  8. Marty482

    Marty482 Well-Known Member

    Hi ema,

    I hope you are feeling better. Im praying for you. PLEASE feel free to write of your feeling down or need a friend.

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