so scared at the moment

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by lav11, May 21, 2012.

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  1. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    so i havent purged in two-three months now.. and ive been fasting a lot recently.. well ive eaten a lolly today and then i had some chocolate and well... i purged .. the first time in two or three months that ive forced myself to throw up.. I felt alright about it though.. just a step on getting back on the right road i thought..

    Well then i ate dinner and dessert and i forced myself again to throw up, in my bedroom into a bag (couldnt use a toilet cause im in a group home and if anyone hears i can get kicked out).. so yeah, but turns out even though i had my music playing one of the guys came down just as my music finished.. he made a gagging noise as i walked past as we were joking about over eating and who would be able to eat the most before throwing up and i said id be able to eat the most tho id throw up first.. but yeah long story short, really worried what happens if a staff member finds out.. i'll be kicked out for sure.. and my T thinks i have my eating under control, and i thought i did as well.. purging wise.. i cant believe ive taken such a big risk and got caught

    UGGH just cant imagine what will happen if they find out.. i cant even stand to look at this guy now.. im worried if he figures out that its because of my body image i purged not because ive got a weak stomach.. or if my T finds out
  2. Medusa.

    Medusa. Well-Known Member

    One slip doesn't mean you have to keep falling.
    If you can't get out of the purging cycle you should tell your T about it.
  3. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    i dont see it as falling now though, i just feel like im getting back on the right track.. Ive since eaten another meal and again purged.. i dont want to stop again..

    aye, thanks, ill think about telling her. we are meeting again on thursday though i dont think its really a big deal besides the fact i might get caught again but i think i can figure out how to purge without getting caught..but yeah.. thanks
  4. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    That sounds super stressful.. :( Does your T have to report to the group home? If not I'd maybe try and talk to them idk.. I can't really imagine.. Sending my hugs :hug:
  5. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    hey, thanks.. yeah i spoke to my T about it..

    as far as i know she hasnt and isnt going to talk to the workers here.. she spoke about how i really needed to put fuel into my body even if it was just a cup of tea and what not but i said im not going to..
    she spooke briefly about how if i wasnt concentrating at school, over working at my job, not eating, thinking about self harm etc etc if i thought hospital would help which was a definate no from me... but yeah she also spoke about how no-one could force me to eat and it was ultimately my choice but im makeing this whole journey towards recovery a lot harder by refusing to eat and purging everytime i do eat..

    but yeah :dunno: no workers are being informed as far as i know
  6. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Well.. idk.. honestly I'm not sure.. are you some sort of urge, making yourself purge, etc? Idk.. just sounds kinda bad imo if she told you your making it more difficult on yourself (on purpose) when maybe it's not you specifically,it's the conditions you live with.. but maybe I'm miss-reading.. anyway.. I hope you will be alright hun. Sending hugs..
  7. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    nah.. i think she just means that i need to try harder at recovering .. like she knows that i struggle with purging and eating and what not but i can usually try and keep it somewhat under control enough that im not going to end up in hospital for it though but ive really just letten go this past fortnight, she knows i can try harder to recover and i have been up until now..

    I know i keep this up im just causeing way more trouble and i assume thats what she was implying but i just cant stop.. not now anyways :/
    i will after i lose a few more

  8. Gimiq

    Gimiq Well-Known Member

    Wow it sounds like its really hard for you to stop. What goes through youre mind right before u purge.
  9. lav11

    lav11 Well-Known Member

    that im gross, fat, disguisting and that i dont even deserve to eat...

    i dunno, ive been trying to block out these thoughts and keep something down.. anything but every time i eat it just feels like ive eaten wayy too much.. everything is too much and just feels like a massive binge

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