I'm away from home at college for the first time in my life, with nowhere to hide, and I'm finding out just how sheltered I've been, and it's killing me.
There are 3 things.
In one half of my course, I'm in small tutorials of 5 people most of the day, which means that for every essay or review we do I have to give presentations to everybody in the room and answer their questions before I can start it, which I just can't manage at all without looking a fool. I can't think on my feet and I speak almost incoherently around these super smart, confident articulate people who look at me like "How did she get in?"
The other half of my course requires sharing my creative writing, which is just the most painful thing in the world. The feedback I'm getting isn't all negative, but it bloody terrifies me how easily any little note of criticism can make me feel like pond scum. How much I've got invested in this when I'm just another hack. When my writing gets criticised I feel like my whole life is phoney, that I'm a ridiculous nothing with jumped up ideas. I started writing when I was happy, for fun, but somehow over the years I got all stupid and romantic about it, started using it as a crutch and stopped looking at it objectively, but now the truth of its mediocrity is out and I realise I have nothing to fall back on.
Then there's socialising, which I'm not terrible at (though I find it hard to make deep connections), but these days I'm so insecure that every time I raise my voice or speak or do anything to call attention to myself I feel like I'm being phoney again. I know that if someone criticised me harshly enough for it that I'd reflexively deny any opinion or personality I show before I could even help it, so surely that means to be anything is to be fake cos I don't have the strength of my convictions.
The criticisms I'm getting are killing me every day, I can't even look at people who I've made a fool of myself in front of, everytime I look at my own handwriting (even lecture notes) I get a sick flush of shame that stops me from concentrating. I used to automatically take notes in lectures and add little thoughts of my own which helped me work better later, but now I find myself having to steel myself against the mocking voice in my head if I'm even copying something down. It takes at least 60 seconds before I can write anything, and I rarely get beyond the first sentence. I feel like I'm trying to outrun the shame which can catch me midsentence and just make me tail off. Every time I get these little sharp moments of shame I usually yelp something like "no!", which probably doesn't helping my social cause any either... :laugh:
The worst thing is that I know it's not the criticism itself I hate (because I really do want to improve), but the realisation of how fucking weak I am. I want nothing more than somebody to tell me the truth about myself, I know that I need it. But I just can't take it. I just can't, something's wrong with me. I just can't express myself at all. It's making me despise myself. I've got nothing to back myself up with.
I've put all my life into unattainable dreams I know I'm not good enough for, and then I've done anything I can to avoid putting them to the test so I could live in illusion a bit longer. I spent all my teenage life getting lazy self-esteem from the fact I got good grades in a crappy school and that I did some half-assed angsty scribbles which my friends assured me were good. That was all I was, all I needed to justify myself, I never made the effort to extend or question myself once. I've been terrified of growing up, have drifted from my friends because I secretly resent them for growing up themselves, and I've stopped doing anything proactive with my life cos I'm terrified I'll be exposed for the sham I am. So for the last 5 years I've been nothing, and there's a big black hole where my personality development should have been. I really don't wanna kill myself, but I don't wanna kid myself anymore. It's just too late. I can't take this, and I can't live out a quiet life somewhere away from the university because this is what I want to be doing and I couldn't live with myself if I failed. I'm so weak. Suicide seems the only option. It's much better than becoming bitter and twisted, I don't wanna be hate-filled, but the more I self-loathe the more my inner mocking voice starts ripping on the outside world too. It's happening more and more. I really don't wanna die hate-filled!
I'm only book smart, and nothing, nothing else, and it's the worst thing in the world.
(Anyone who stuck out my navel-gazing to the end- you are a saint, even if you don't comment. Thank you. :smile
There are 3 things.
In one half of my course, I'm in small tutorials of 5 people most of the day, which means that for every essay or review we do I have to give presentations to everybody in the room and answer their questions before I can start it, which I just can't manage at all without looking a fool. I can't think on my feet and I speak almost incoherently around these super smart, confident articulate people who look at me like "How did she get in?"
The other half of my course requires sharing my creative writing, which is just the most painful thing in the world. The feedback I'm getting isn't all negative, but it bloody terrifies me how easily any little note of criticism can make me feel like pond scum. How much I've got invested in this when I'm just another hack. When my writing gets criticised I feel like my whole life is phoney, that I'm a ridiculous nothing with jumped up ideas. I started writing when I was happy, for fun, but somehow over the years I got all stupid and romantic about it, started using it as a crutch and stopped looking at it objectively, but now the truth of its mediocrity is out and I realise I have nothing to fall back on.
Then there's socialising, which I'm not terrible at (though I find it hard to make deep connections), but these days I'm so insecure that every time I raise my voice or speak or do anything to call attention to myself I feel like I'm being phoney again. I know that if someone criticised me harshly enough for it that I'd reflexively deny any opinion or personality I show before I could even help it, so surely that means to be anything is to be fake cos I don't have the strength of my convictions.
The criticisms I'm getting are killing me every day, I can't even look at people who I've made a fool of myself in front of, everytime I look at my own handwriting (even lecture notes) I get a sick flush of shame that stops me from concentrating. I used to automatically take notes in lectures and add little thoughts of my own which helped me work better later, but now I find myself having to steel myself against the mocking voice in my head if I'm even copying something down. It takes at least 60 seconds before I can write anything, and I rarely get beyond the first sentence. I feel like I'm trying to outrun the shame which can catch me midsentence and just make me tail off. Every time I get these little sharp moments of shame I usually yelp something like "no!", which probably doesn't helping my social cause any either... :laugh:
The worst thing is that I know it's not the criticism itself I hate (because I really do want to improve), but the realisation of how fucking weak I am. I want nothing more than somebody to tell me the truth about myself, I know that I need it. But I just can't take it. I just can't, something's wrong with me. I just can't express myself at all. It's making me despise myself. I've got nothing to back myself up with.
I've put all my life into unattainable dreams I know I'm not good enough for, and then I've done anything I can to avoid putting them to the test so I could live in illusion a bit longer. I spent all my teenage life getting lazy self-esteem from the fact I got good grades in a crappy school and that I did some half-assed angsty scribbles which my friends assured me were good. That was all I was, all I needed to justify myself, I never made the effort to extend or question myself once. I've been terrified of growing up, have drifted from my friends because I secretly resent them for growing up themselves, and I've stopped doing anything proactive with my life cos I'm terrified I'll be exposed for the sham I am. So for the last 5 years I've been nothing, and there's a big black hole where my personality development should have been. I really don't wanna kill myself, but I don't wanna kid myself anymore. It's just too late. I can't take this, and I can't live out a quiet life somewhere away from the university because this is what I want to be doing and I couldn't live with myself if I failed. I'm so weak. Suicide seems the only option. It's much better than becoming bitter and twisted, I don't wanna be hate-filled, but the more I self-loathe the more my inner mocking voice starts ripping on the outside world too. It's happening more and more. I really don't wanna die hate-filled!
I'm only book smart, and nothing, nothing else, and it's the worst thing in the world.
(Anyone who stuck out my navel-gazing to the end- you are a saint, even if you don't comment. Thank you. :smile
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