So scared...

Next month I have an appointment at a medical clinic to see how much of my life they can save. I have a non-life threatening condition, though ironcally this "non-lethal" condition is what brought me to this place. I feel that I may never find love the way things have gone the last 9 years. I`m not even sure the doctors can really help me and I`m going to have to wait for over a month before they can see me. All I can do now is wait. And I`m tired of fighting it. I can`t cope with this suffering anymore. Needless to say my alcoholism has gone through the roof. Made me wonder... what is actually worse? A lethal condition (that obviously kills you) or a non-lethal condition that makes you want to kill yourself...?

 

i would say a non-lethal condition that makes you want to kill yourself is worse. that's how it seems to me anyway. i've wished to get really sick so i don't have to think about killing myself in the near future but could just wait for death to come without having to suffer for years on. that's just me though. i guess, it's best that you're in a non-lethal condition and find the strength to make the best of your life.

 

I guess you're right... I sometimes wish I could trade all my problems for a lethal disease. At least then I'd feel like I'd have something worth fighting for. There is still hope, and I will try to make the best of the situation whichever way it turns out. However if I come to find that my condition will stop me from having a normal life I won't hessitate to end it. I've been unhappy for long enough now and I don't think I can take the situation much longer if there is little to no hope of ever being happy.

 

there is always hope in being happy though. life is a thing that has multiple unexpected turns. you can never know for sure what will happen. as you've probably heard, some people survived fatal illnesses or managed to walk again when doctors said it was impossible. yeah, it also happens the other way around, you can suddenly get kidnapped or hell knows what but that doesn't mean one should give up. death is the only thing that is determined in the future, i think that's why some of us reach out to it. cuz then we know where we're headed, we don't feel as lost. but if you reach out in an other direction, do something you love you can find new ways to find some halt in life.