... of being this person. Of these issues and insecurities and inhibitions. So tired of the penchant for curling up in a ball and crying about things instead of trying to fix them - tired of the endless loop of breaking things so badly they cannot be fixed in the first place. I hate the self centred egocentric whining and crying about much I hate myself, but try as I might I cannot find anything to like. And I hypocritically get irritated with the people who do not TRY - the people who complain about the same thing over and over and over without doing anything different. If you do what you have always done, you get what you have always got right? The definition of insanity (Einstein?) is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And I KNOW this - and I try to do different - to BE different - but I fall back into the same patterns of behaviour even whilst trying as hard as I know how to avoid them. Maybe because it is who I am, maybe because it is all I know - but it feels like I cannot escape from it. And if this is always going to be how it is - if I am always going to do these things and be this person - then I do not want to. I am tired of being this person. I can't stand her - she is loathesome. I am not sure I believe in hope anymore; I have reached the point of believing instead in the inevitable. It is inevitable to end up completely alone when you fail time and again to give people the things they need, the things they want - however basic and simple those things are. It is inevitable when you have nothing meaningful to offer, you will fail in the end to mean anything. And even the fact that 'meaning' something matters to me suggests a self importance that I find abhorrant but cannot shake. I want to mean something - to be important. If any one of millions, billions of people, could step into the space I leave personally and professionally in the world, likely filling it far better, far more completely, and with far more ease - then shouldn't I step aside and let them? I look in the mirror and I hate this person. I am so sick and tired of giving her 'one last chance' again and again - another chance to be different, another chance to be better, another chance to be worth the basic resources she consumes. And all it ends up being is more time to be insufficient, more time to prove to myself that I do not know how to be better. I do not have the capacity to be more. I am so sick and tired of telling myself to 'give it time' - to 'hang on until...' I do not want to anymore.