SO sick and tired!

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ZasuArt, Nov 22, 2011.

  1. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    I'm so unbelievably frustrated and am so sick and tired of my pathetic, shitty life. My insomnia has been relentless lately. Last night, I was exhausted as usual, so I went to bed around 8pm and fell asleep around 9pm, before my partner came up to bed. I woke up suddenly around midnight with my heart racing, on the verge of a panic attack with no idea why. It was also strange because sometime during those whopping 3 solid hours that I slept, my partner managed to come up to bed without waking me (which is unheard of, as a spider fart would typically wake me). I laid there from midnight to 1:15am, and finally just got up when it became obvious that I wasn't going to get any more sleep. I've felt weird, exhausted and just yucky ever since.

    When my partner got up, she asked how I was feeling and I told her first about zonking out hard for a few hours then waking up so early. She then began to argue with me, "Well you were sound asleep when I came up to bed, and you didn't even wake up, so you must have gotten some good sleep!". Allrightythen... so 3 hours of sleep is adequate as long as it's uninterrupted? Hmmm... I'll have to remind her that next time she gets slightly less than her usual 8-10 hours. Then I told her that I was feeling a little weird and dizzy, and that I thought I might have caught the cold she is just getting over (the same cold that as usual, turned her into a whiny, needy baby for 2 weeks). She responds by asking me if maybe I was "making myself sick to get out of having to go to Thanksgiving". Really? REALLY?!?!? It's true, I f**king HATE the holidays, but if I can't bring myself to go to Thanksgiving, I don't need to make myself sick to choose to get out of it. Needless to say, I was delighted to get her out of the house this morning.

    Then, on her way into work she leaves me a message (I was so irked, I couldn't even pick up the phone) suggesting that my bad attitude was making me sick, and that I needed to "snap out of it or we'd keep passing this virus back and forth". Then she told me that she wanted me to work on organizing my studio (which is a disaster area right now) so that I can start cranking out some new pieces. Despite the fact that I have dozens of completed pieces collecting dust because even though everybody claims to love them, no one is buying them.

    So, to summarize:
    1. My insomnia can't be so bad because I didn't wake up when she came up to bed. And it doesn't matter how little actual sleep I get while she is sleeping, because when she closes her eyes, the world stops and disappears until she opens them again in the morning.
    2. When I get a virus, it is either manufactured or my own fault, and denial and positive thinking is the cure. When she gets a virus, I must drop everything and tend to her like she is on her deathbed.
    3. Once again, I've reached my depression time limit. So since I have complete control over my depression (apparently, I just like to be depressed), I can switch it off at any time, pull some inspiration out of my ass and crank out some new pieces that I can will people to buy.

    Am I being unreasonable?!
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Boy i do hope your partner starts really listening to you hun and i hope your day goes better hugs
  3. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Thanks so much, Eclipse. This is not unusual, but she seemed so much more understanding and patient lately (until today). I feel bad because I have a lot of guilt about not holding up my end of the bargain in our relationship. In many ways, I think that I set myself up for this with her over the last 12 years. I downplayed my needs and my pain so much and made it all about her. Now I'm in a position where I can't hide what's going on with me anymore, and she just wants it to be like it used to be. I wish I could just shut it off, but I can't. I keep telling her that if she can't handle my depression, she should be with someone who doesn't share my struggle. Of course, if she did leave me I would have nothing else to live for, and a part of me really wants that, so I could just end it once and for all and not have to feel guilty.
  4. ZasuArt

    ZasuArt Well-Known Member

    Well, Honey just called from work and *sort of* apologized. I know she's worried about me and doesn't really know what to do. Hell, I don't either! I still don't really understand what she thinks bullying me and accusing me of wanting to stay depressed/sick will accomplish, but I didn't have the energy to bring it up. She did break a bit of bad news to me (although I feel terrible calling it that). I thought she had Thursday and Friday off for the Thanksgiving holiday, and as I mentioned in an earlier thread, I was stressing because that's a 4 day weekend full of opportunities for her to control and nitpick me within an inch of my life. Well, she actually has tomorrow (Wednesday) off as well. Please don't get me wrong, I love her so much, I'm just not good with conflict right now (who am I kidding, I'm never good with conflict). And I just know from experience that she's going to try to control every waking moment and "keep me busy" with honey-do projects and (even worse) shopping (with money we don't have). There's no getting away from it now, the holiday season has begun, and I couldn't be less happy about it. :( ... ... ...

    It's funny, as I went back and re-read what I had written, it reminded me of my dad and how he seems to just "endure" life (which is something I've done for years, but just realized that he seems to now do the same). Every time I see him, he looks exhausted and a little sad, and my step mom always has him frantically completing some sort of menial task. And while he's technically retired, he still has to work full time at a hardware store for a kid half his age just to make ends meet. His life seems to be a series of "just let me get through this" moments, just like his oldest daughter (me). It makes me really sad, and makes me wonder if we would both be so unhappy at this stage in our lives if he hadn't remarried. I know that I would be a very different person, but I do love my siblings, nieces and nephews, and in some twisted way, even my step mom, who made my life a living hell, but is the only real mother figure I ever had (my bio mom is sick and didn't raise me... long story I sort of went into in another thread).

    Sorry to be so rambly today... just have a lot on my mind and not sure how to move forward.