SO Sick of life...

I think I'm just gonna do it... I'm sick of all this bullshit - and I mean real sick of it. Nothing ever works out. Throughout my life, I have had so many oppritunities to live a fulfilling life due to my talent but I always find a way to fuck it all up. I'm bipolar but I dont have insurance anymore so I can get any treatment. My life just sucks pretty much (to me...dont try to convince me it doesn't - to me it is HELL). I have had one real relationship throughout my life and I'm not just talking in terms of girlfriends. I barely know my family. We are very very VERY far from being close or even a normal family at that. I've ahd a lot of fake freinds, fake girls, fake everything...The one person I was ever able to connect with - the love of my life - has decided that she needs time to focus on herself and her career goals and just doesn't really want to deal with me -or the problems I'm currently going through even though she knows full well what I'm capable of. Se was the reason that I didnt kill myself 2 years ago. She obviously doesnt care anymore. Well, its more than obvious. She flat out told me. I told her I needed help and had no one else to talk to and that I needed to see her (we live 2 hours apart) she said she didnt have time and if I was to kill myself because of that it wasnt on her concious. Nice...This is the same girl who was supposed to be my soulmate just a few weeks ago. It took me 23 years to find ONE person that I could connect with and I really cant wait another 23. I am so fucking alone. The ONLY thing that has kept me going up to this point is my music. The only reason I continue to do that is so that I can get as famous as everyone says I will be, experience the life for a little bit and THEN kill myself so I can atleast be remembered and go out in a blaze of glory!!! I fucked up school and most likely wont be able to graduate from college for an extremely long time if ever. I fucked up every job I've ever had and am pretty much incapable of getting a somewhat decent one with which I can actually support myself. On top of all of this, the number of friends I have has slowly gotten smaller and smaller until now it's down to one. The one person I ever cared about is gone and cares nothing about me anymore - not even because of anything I did but because she needs to focus on her life (or so she says). Ooh, and on top of all that I have social anxiety which has seemed to get extremely bad within the past year (cant get meds anymore) and now I cant even talk to people and people are just starting to think I'm weird. Now I cant even make anymore FAKE freinds! Pretty much I'm just so tired of everything. Nothing is really going right or even looking up. So I dont know... Im either going to do it within the next 2 weeks (our anniversery AND christmas...seems like good timing) or I might just wait a year or 2 and do it after I have a few big songs so people will remember me and it'll be a big deal. If you actually read this, sorry just ranting. I needed to get that all out. Now I'm about to go smoke a whole lot of weed and forget about my life for another boring night...

 

Hey there, it's good that you got to get some stuff out.

I'm not going to sit here and say "your life isn't shit" or any bullshit like that, because, quite frankly, I believe that you are suffering a lot.

Judging by your post, you live in America, right?

If you're really unhappy with your life right now, why not move to Canada or somewhere else? You could try and transfer to another college, and the clean slate itself might make you feel better. In addition to this, the reason I said Canada is that they get free health care there (last time I heard, at least). Sometimes making a new start can pull out a hidden confidence in you.

If the above sentence is a load of crap to you, then why not consider this one? You may not have grabbed every opportunity in the past, but that doesn't mean there won't be more in the future.

Try looking for community self-help groups in your area. This could help a lot. Also, I find that just helping others can help you find some focus and happiness in an otherwise unhappy existence.

Good luck with everything .x

 

The only reason I continue to do that is so that I can get as famous as everyone says I will be, experience the life for a little bit and THEN kill myself so I can atleast be remembered and go out in a blaze of glory!!!............................Or you could get famous and always remember what it felt like to feel like shit and then help others that feel like shit.