A
I think I'm just gonna do it... I'm sick of all this bullshit - and I mean real sick of it. Nothing ever works out. Throughout my life, I have had so many oppritunities to live a fulfilling life due to my talent but I always find a way to fuck it all up. I'm bipolar but I dont have insurance anymore so I can get any treatment. My life just sucks pretty much (to me...dont try to convince me it doesn't - to me it is HELL). I have had one real relationship throughout my life and I'm not just talking in terms of girlfriends. I barely know my family. We are very very VERY far from being close or even a normal family at that. I've ahd a lot of fake freinds, fake girls, fake everything...The one person I was ever able to connect with - the love of my life - has decided that she needs time to focus on herself and her career goals and just doesn't really want to deal with me -or the problems I'm currently going through even though she knows full well what I'm capable of. Se was the reason that I didnt kill myself 2 years ago. She obviously doesnt care anymore. Well, its more than obvious. She flat out told me. I told her I needed help and had no one else to talk to and that I needed to see her (we live 2 hours apart) she said she didnt have time and if I was to kill myself because of that it wasnt on her concious. Nice...This is the same girl who was supposed to be my soulmate just a few weeks ago. It took me 23 years to find ONE person that I could connect with and I really cant wait another 23. I am so fucking alone. The ONLY thing that has kept me going up to this point is my music. The only reason I continue to do that is so that I can get as famous as everyone says I will be, experience the life for a little bit and THEN kill myself so I can atleast be remembered and go out in a blaze of glory!!! I fucked up school and most likely wont be able to graduate from college for an extremely long time if ever. I fucked up every job I've ever had and am pretty much incapable of getting a somewhat decent one with which I can actually support myself. On top of all of this, the number of friends I have has slowly gotten smaller and smaller until now it's down to one. The one person I ever cared about is gone and cares nothing about me anymore - not even because of anything I did but because she needs to focus on her life (or so she says). Ooh, and on top of all that I have social anxiety which has seemed to get extremely bad within the past year (cant get meds anymore) and now I cant even talk to people and people are just starting to think I'm weird. Now I cant even make anymore FAKE freinds! Pretty much I'm just so tired of everything. Nothing is really going right or even looking up. So I dont know... Im either going to do it within the next 2 weeks (our anniversery AND christmas...seems like good timing) or I might just wait a year or 2 and do it after I have a few big songs so people will remember me and it'll be a big deal. If you actually read this, sorry just ranting. I needed to get that all out. Now I'm about to go smoke a whole lot of weed and forget about my life for another boring night...