Hello Right now, I'm just so so tired. I wish that I had the courage to give myself complete peace and end things. Regretfully, I am a total weakling, devoid of the courage. I admire so much those who have this courage. I am not eating, my weight has dropped down from 12st to 8st 6lb. I am now smoking almost 40 cigs a day and drinking approx 8 tins of lager each night. This combined to my anti dep's and antibiotics may perhaps allow me to eventually find some peace. I have a bad chest infection which has been diagnosed as Pleurisy. I was in hospital two days ago. Couldn't breathe with huge chest pains. Thought it was a heart attack but they gave me Oxygen and a steroid injection to try to fight the infection and allowed me home 8 hours later. I have asked God for his help in bringing me total peace and for him to take me and end the screaming inside. I have seeked some form of satisfaction in supporting many on this site. It's been a sort of tool to allow me to cope. A mask or a painted smile, but the mask keeps slipping and I am screaming so much inside. Why post this . . . I'm not sure. I am just screaming so much inside and I want final peace and an end to my personal hell. I am sure that a number of you will understand. I am through with counselling and just existing.