So So Tired

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by JayJay, Jan 6, 2008.

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  1. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    Hello

    Right now, I'm just so so tired. I wish that I had the courage to give myself complete peace and end things. Regretfully, I am a total weakling, devoid of the courage. I admire so much those who have this courage.

    I am not eating, my weight has dropped down from 12st to 8st 6lb. I am now smoking almost 40 cigs a day and drinking approx 8 tins of lager each night. This combined to my anti dep's and antibiotics may perhaps allow me to eventually find some peace.

    I have a bad chest infection which has been diagnosed as Pleurisy. I was in hospital two days ago. Couldn't breathe with huge chest pains. Thought it was a heart attack but they gave me Oxygen and a steroid injection to try to fight the infection and allowed me home 8 hours later. I have asked God for his help in bringing me total peace and for him to take me and end the screaming inside.

    I have seeked some form of satisfaction in supporting many on this site. It's been a sort of tool to allow me to cope. A mask or a painted smile, but the mask keeps slipping and I am screaming so much inside.

    Why post this . . . I'm not sure. I am just screaming so much inside and I want final peace and an end to my personal hell. I am sure that a number of you will understand. I am through with counselling and just existing.

     
  2. Morning_Glory

    Morning_Glory Member

    Do you have someone in life that you can talk to? Perhaps conversating one on one with someone whom you trust and understands you will make you feel better. Sometimes just having one special person in life that cares makes all the difference.
     
  3. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    I'm so so sorry. I am through with talking as it doesn't change things, my personal hell or the way that I feel.
     
  4. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I'm glad you're through with talking. Now you can spend all your energy on listening. You have been a pillar for so many here including me. And I am nothing but a failure and a coward. But you stuck it out through thick and thin and always had a way to make me feel the slightest bit better. Now it's my turn to to do the same for you. If you can't find the will or strength to want to get past this, then think of your little daughter. Take your strength from the love you have for her. You can and will beat this. You have many in your corner and God to guide you. You've been a great friend and I still need you to help me when I stumble just as I want to do for you.
     
  5. JayJay

    JayJay Well-Known Member

    You are such an amazingly caring person whose care for people on this site is demonstrated by the number of posts that you have made.

    I have often used my support for others as a coping mechanism for myself. You however have given your support for others simply to the fact that you are such a caring person, despite your own personal hell.

    From me, it's a simple God Bless You and Thank you to an amazing person.

    I've since found that my chest pains are down to two cracked ribs. I had no idea that extreme coughing can cause ribs to crack. Xrays and my Doctor confirmed this.

    Please stay safe.

    X Jay X
     
  6. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Hopefully the ribs heal quickly and the pain lessens significantly for you. I am sorry you are suffering to the extent you are. Please don't give up on yourself. many of us have reached the point you find yourself at now. For some, things changed and they are able to continue on. This is possible for you as well, but if you don't give it a chance you may never know. Continue talking and sharing how you feel with someone. It is the only way to find the support you need. You are in my thoughts. :hug:
     
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